Looking For Love In All The Right Places

Although some people prefer to remain single throughout their lives, most people strive to connect with and live in partnership with one special person. There are many obvious advantages to finding a relationship partner – physical, economic, social – but there is another significant advantage in that working through the ups and downs of a relationship allows us to come to terms with many of our own personal issues. In fact, these personal issues may make or break a relationship, depending on whether we choose to work on them. If you are single now, you can use this time to learn more about yourself and what makes relationships work.

There is evidence that the families we come from (our families of origin) have a profound influence on how we will behave in the relationships we create for ourselves in adulthood. How many times have you heard the phrase, “You are acting just like your father (mother).” Or, “I can’t believe that I am saying the same things my mother (father) said.” Sometimes we find ourselves acting toward a current relationship partner in the same way we acted toward a previous partner, as if there were a repetitive pattern in play. And if we look closely enough, we might discover that we have the same pattern of difficulty in every one of our relationships, as if we keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

According to one school of thought (see the book recommendations on page three), we all had imperfect parents or caregivers as we grew up, and the experiences we had as children left a lasting impression on us. We all went through stages of development in childhood. Sometimes our parents were there for us as we progressed through a developmental stage – and sometimes they were not (and this could be due to many reasons, like a parent having his or her own personal difficulties at the time, or the birth of another child). If we have difficulty at one particular stage of development, then we have a gap in our personalities that could follow us into adulthood unless we recognize and attend to the problem.

Feeling Whole and Complete

In fact, the theory goes further and says that we all have a desire to be whole and complete – and this means completing our unfinished business from childhood. Therefore, in adulthood we search out potential relationship partners who will allow us to work on this unfinished business. In fact, this is the type of person we will be attracted to when we grow up.

This theory says that we are attracted to a person who carries both the positive and negative qualities of our imperfect parent or caregiver. We carry an image around with us of who our perfect partner will be – and we search for a person who embodies these qualities. When we find a person with these traits, we feel as if we have found the person we have been searching for our entire lives. At last we feel whole and complete. It feels as if the gap from our childhood is now filled. And we tell people that we are in love. When we find this person we feel fully alive – we have a profound sense of wellbeing. We have found happiness at last.

Over time, however, the negative qualities found in our parents begin to emerge in our relationships with our partners. According to the theory, this is expected and predictable. In fact, a mature love commitment will not occur until we have worked through these more negative issues. For example, if we had a chaotic parent, we might find happiness at last in a partner who gives us a feeling of security. This is the partner’s positive trait. But then the negative parts creep into the relationship. He or she will not always be there on time, or tell the truth, or in other ways provide us with the security we need. Nobody is perfect, and sometimes our partners will indeed engage in behavior that dredges up our old fear of chaos. In fact, because we need to work on our issues

with chaos, we may even perceive the presence of chaos where it doesn’t really exist. We accuse our once-beloved partners of threatening our feeling of security. As our childhood fears return, we might blame our partners for not understanding us after all or for deliberately trying to undermine the relationship. At this point, power struggles begin – the person you were in love with not so long ago can now seem like your worst enemy.

Breaking Up Is Not Always the Answer

Many people who have been through a series of relationships report that they seem to have the same problems time after time. The same types of relationship problems emerge regardless of who their beloved is. This fact suggests that the problem resides in the person, not in the choice of partner. The clue is to look within in order to see why the problem recurs and why we become attached to the same kind of person.

Many people would rather break up than work through an old childhood issue. They get to the stage of the power struggle in their relationship, and they are not able to work past it. Old childhood fears are dredged up at this stage and it feels safer to bury these fears or run away from them rather than face them. Unfortunately, when people break up with their partner, they deprive themselves of the opportunity to deal with the issues they need to face in order to have a successful relationship. (Note, however, that there are times when breaking up is advisable, and this involves situations where physical, sexual or emotional abuse is present in the relationship so that one or both of the partners is in danger.)

The Healthy Relationship

Rather than searching for the right partner, it might be more helpful to think of being the right partner. This means bringing our old issues from childhood to awareness. We need to understand the impact of the events in our childhood on our choice of a partner in adulthood. We should examine why we keep making the same mistakes again and again in our relationships. Once we have completed this life task, we are then free to enter into a conscious, mature relationship.

What does a mature relationship look like?

• Both partners acknowledge that their childhood wounds are likely to emerge in the relationship. They make an attempt to understand how these wounds developed and how they influence the relationship.
• Each partner owns up to his or her own faults and talks about them freely with the other. Each partner identifies what he or she needs in the relationship, within reason – and the other provides those things unconditionally.
• Each partner is seen as a whole, complete person striving to live an individual life as fully as possible. The two partners have equality in the relationship with open dialogue between them.
• The partners understand that when they feel uncomfortable, they need to engage in constructive communication. They don’t engage in acting out behavior such as withdrawing from their partner or looking outside of the relationship to get their needs for intimacy met.
• Both partners agree to avoid blaming or criticizing each other – and they engage in constructive communication instead.
• Anger is recognized as an expression of pain, and the partners agree to accept each others anger and other emotions. However, they also agree not to dump their anger on each other. They recognize that anger must be contained and expressed constructively.
• The partners in a healthy relationship develop their own strengths rather than relying on the other to provide them. Both partners strive toward wholeness – in themselves and in each other.
• Rather than leaving a relationship in order to find yourself, it may be possible to find yourself through a relationship. A mature relationship is based on commitment, awareness, and mutual respect. It is healing and it leads to genuine wholeness for each of the partners. We recognize what our partner needs, and we provide these things gently, lovingly, and without  conditions.

The ability to provide unconditional love for our partner is one of our highest life goals. It takes great strength to be able to surmount our own needs and to give unconditionally to a person who has made a commitment to us. Even though our partner’s behavior may cause us anxiety, pain, or anger, we show our maturity by understanding and containing our own reactions in order to make the other person feel better. There can be no greater expression of love.

A Suggestion

Delving into our early childhood issues is a difficult process, and it is best accomplished with the help of a professional therapist. The rewards, however, can be immeasurable. If you are stuck in a series of relationships with the same destructive patterns emerging time and time again, it might be best to put a moratorium on getting into a committed relationship until you have had time to examine these early personal issues. Once you have been through the therapy process, which is safe and confidential, your chances of finding a more mature and successful relationship are greatly enhanced.

Stress and Anxiety Disorders

Stress is the body’s reaction to an event that is experienced as disturbing or threatening. Our primitive ancestors experienced stress when they had to fight off wild animals and other threats to their survival. Now, in the contemporary world, we are more likely to feel stressed when we face overwhelming responsibilities at work or home, experience loneliness, rejection, or the fear of losing things that are important to us, such as our jobs or friends. When we are exposed to such events, we experience what has been called the “fight or flight” response. To prepare for fighting or fleeing, the body increases its heart rate and blood pressure. This sends more blood to our heart and muscles, and our respiration rate increases. We become vigilant and tense. Our bodies end up on full alert – and this allows us to take action. When stress continues over a long period of time, however, and has a significant impact on how we live, we may begin to suffer from one of the anxiety disorders.

Research indicates that anxiety disorders are the leading emotional health disorder for women and are second only to substance abuse among men. Within any given year, it has been estimated that fifteen percent of the population suffers from one of the anxiety disorders – yet only a small portion of those who suffer receive treatment. Fortunately, treatment is available and generally effective.

Stress can be helpful when it prompts us to take action to solve a problem. We can use our perceived  stress as a clue, in fact, that there is a problem, and that we need to confront it. Public speakers, athletes, and entertainers have long known that stress can motivate them to perform much better. When we don’t recognize our anxious feelings or don’t have the tools to deal with them, we may continue to expose ourselves to the stress, which leads to more problems.

Prolonged stress is demanding on our bodies and our lives in general. The constant state of “fight or flight” may cause heart palpitations, dizziness, trembling or shaking, increased blood pressure, sweating, choking, high stomach acidity, nausea, chest discomfort, or muscle spasms. We may feel detached or out of touch with reality or think we are dying or going crazy. There is evidence that prolonged stress can lead to heart disease and a compromised immune system. Stress depletes our energy and interferes with concentration. We may become abrupt with other people and engage in emotional outbursts or even physical violence. Our relationships and job security may be jeopardized. People who experience prolonged stress are more prone to self-destructive behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse.

The Anxiety Disorders

An anxiety disorder is longer lasting than normal anxiety, is more intense and can lead to fears that interfere with the ability to function in daily life. Here are some of the more common types of anxiety disorders –

Generalized anxiety disorder – occurs when a person has endured for at least six months a state of being excessively worried, feeling on edge continually, having sleep difficulty, and finding it hard to experience pleasure and relaxation. The symptoms include restlessness, irritability, difficulty concentrating, feeling easily fatigued, and muscle tension. This diagnosis is not accompanied by phobias, obsessions, or panic attacks.

Agoraphobia – which affects about five percent of the population, is the most prevalent of the anxiety disorders. People who suffer from agoraphobia are afraid of finding themselves in situations where escape would be difficult or help might be unavailable. They suffer from panic disorders in certain situations and then, over time, develop a fear of finding themselves in these situations. Common situations include using public transportation (subways, airplanes, trains), being at home alone, crowded public places (such as restaurants, grocery stores, etc.), and enclosed or confined places such as tunnels, bridges, or classrooms.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – can happen if a person has been through a serious, life threatening event, such as a natural disaster, terrorist act, a car or plane crash, rape, assault, or other violent crime.

Those with PTSD may for months or years afterward experience repetitive thoughts about the event with an attempt to avoid thinking about it, nightmares, emotional numbness, feelings of detachment, flashbacks, an attempt to avoid activities associated with the event, a loss of interest in pleasurable activities, and other symptoms of increased anxiety.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder – happens when stress or chaos in one’s world causes a person to think and worry repetitively about something (these are called obsessions) or else to engage in repetitive behaviors, like hand-washing or checking on things excessively (these are called compulsions). Obsessions are recognized by the sufferer as irrational, but they continue to intrude in the sufferer’s thoughts for extended periods of time. Examples of obsessions include images of violence or doing violence to somebody else and insecure thoughts about leaving the lights on or leaving the door unlocked. Compulsions are behaviors that are performed to reduce the anxiety of the obsessions. Examples include excessive hand washing, checking the lights or the stove time and time again, or ritualistic behavior such as counting steps while walking.

Social Phobia – involves fear of embarrassment in situations where others scrutinize or evaluate your behavior. This usually causes the sufferer to want to avoid these situations, although many simply endure the anxiety associated with these experiences. The most common social phobia is speaking in public, but other forms of this phobia include fear of writing in front of others, fear of crowds, test-taking phobia, fear of spilling food or choking in restaurants, fear of blushing in public,

or fear of using public restrooms.

Phobias – are intense fears and avoidance’s that occur when a person is exposed to a certain type of situation. These fears are specific to the sufferer and are sometimes explainable. Common examples include airplane phobia (fear of flying), elevator phobia, fear of thunder and lightning, animal phobia, acrophobia (fear of heights), doctor or dentist phobia, blood injury phobia, and illness phobia.

Taking Charge of Anxiety

Those who deal with anxiety in a positive way usually have:

• a sense of self-determination
• a feeling of involvement in life’s experiences, and
• an ability to change negatives into positives
• Self-determination refers to a personal ability to control or adapt to the events of everyday living. A great deal of anxiety is perpetuated by how we think about stress itself, and ourselves. Is the anxiety in control of us, or, conversely, can we learn to control the anxiety? Rather than seeing ourselves as helpless in trying to overcome obstacles, we can begin to define ourselves as problem-solvers. We can remember specific times when we have been successful in solving problems and then define ourselves in those terms. We can learn to trust that we will have success in meeting life’s difficulties. When we take this approach, we begin to face problematic situations as challenges which, when resolved, can bring new and exciting opportunities into our lives.

Involvement means opening ourselves up to the world around us and defining ourselves as active participants in life. It means letting friends and family members into our personal lives and sharing our private experiences with others when appropriate. Cultivating a social network serves us well when we are dealing with stressful situations. Talking our way through a crisis in the presence of a supportive listener, rather than holding it in alone, is one of our best ways of gaining helpful feedback, putting the situation into perspective, and sensing that we are not alone. When we lack involvement with others, we often feel vulnerable and may question whether we have the resources to cope with stressful experiences.

A positive approach toward life is one of the main attributes of those who deal well with anxiety. The life process is one of loss and gain – it’s as natural as night and day. When we trust that our losses will give rise to new gains and life experiences, the anxiety and worry associated with loss need not be devastating. For example, the loss of a job can open the door to more satisfying employment and the opportunity for more fulfilling life experiences. The clue is to change our negative thoughts about situations into more positive thoughts – and positive feelings will usually follow a change in thinking. For example, if a close friend moves away, rather than thinking negatively about how lonely and devastated you will feel, think about the good memories you will always have, how your friendship will leave a positive legacy that will always touch your life, how you can still keep in touch and visit, and how you can now spend your time in new and positive pursuits. There really is no need for overwhelming anxiety in this situation. We can choose to move toward the open doors of life rather than futilely knocking on closed ones.

The clue to handling stress and anxiety well is to acquire the skills we need to feel empowered. This requires a good, honest exploration into our lives. We need to explore the strengths that we already have for coping with stress, as well as to learn new skills. A professional therapist has a number of specific techniques for the treatment of stress and anxiety, as well as overall life strategy plans for dealing with these problems and other life experiences. We need to be able both to comfort ourselves and to let others nurture us as well. All of us can learn, with some healthy exploration, to manage anxiety successfully.

Manipulation in Relationships

We are all vulnerable to being manipulated in relationships, whether between romantic partners, friends, parents, children, employers, coworkers, or neighbors. When we allow another person to manipulate us, we are colluding with their desire to control our feelings, motives, and even our thoughts through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means. A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of the person being manipulated. These relationships become troubled over time. If you want to change this kind of relationship, you must first recognize the features of manipulation and then look within to understand your contribution to the manipulation. There are effective ways to stand up to manipulation and bring balance back into the relationship.

Manipulation is not the same as influence. We all use influence with other people to advance our goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the rights and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the façade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.

Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is more likely to be receptive to the attempted manipulation. Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it’s the manipulator who has the problem, you might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.

Here are some common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators –

• You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people. This goes beyond being nice to other people. Your sense of worth is tied up in doing things for other people. In fact, you take this so far that you please other people at the expense of your own well-being. For example, you might buy something especially nice for your partner or a friend when you would never spend that kind of money on yourself. Manipulators are drawn to this type of person and have no qualms about taking advantage of this particular personality trait.
• You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people. Although most people appreciate being accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. The core problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned – and it is so strong that you would do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works by giving you the acceptance that you need – and then threatening to withdraw it.
• You fear expressing negative emotions. Although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant at all times. They fear that they will fall apart in the face of negative emotions. Manipulators have an easy task in this  kind of relationship – all they have to do is to threaten to raise their voice, and then they get their way.
• You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate boundaries that clarify who you are and what you stand for. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, however, you must sometimes say no when someone attempts to push your limits. If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. Learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative relationship.

You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favor. Without a clear definition of yourself, you may be an easy target for a manipulator.

If you are in a manipulative relationship, it is helpful to recognize the personal tendencies that allow the other person to assert control over you. You can come to understand and explore these safely with the support of a professionally trained therapist. While you may not be able to change the behavior of the manipulator, you can change your own responses to attempts at manipulation so that you achieve a firmer sense of your own integrity. The unhappiness resulting from a manipulative relationship can lead to life-changing experiences that generate insight and the ability to cope more effectively with the demands of everyday living.

The Manipulator’s Tactics

Manipulation in a relationship usually progresses over a long period of time. Manipulators learn over time how far they can go. They are unlikely to attempt to manipulate the other person at the beginning of a relationship since this could bring things to an immediate end. They observe the other person’s vulnerabilities and learn eventually how to exploit them for their own purposes.

There are two basic tactics that are used to exert control, and they usually go hand in hand. The first is a promise of gain. That is, the manipulator will promise to provide something if the partner goes along with what the manipulator wants. “I promise – no arguments for a week if you’ll end your friendship with Pat.” The other tactic is the promise of avoiding loss. In this case, the manipulator threatens the partner with the loss of something if the partner does not go along with the manipulator’s desires. “I’m going to stay out with my friends late every night unless this house is cleaned spic and span by the time I get home.” (Of course, these two examples are obvious manipulation attempts. Most manipulators use more subtle methods than we see in these examples.)

Manipulative people have a strong need to be in control. This may derive from underlying feelings of insecurity on their part, although they often compensate for these feelings with a show of strong self-confidence. Even though they may deny it, their motives are self-serving, and they pursue their aims regardless of the cost to other people. They have a strong need to feel superior and powerful in their relationships – and they find people who will validate these feelings by going along with their attempts at manipulation. They see power as finite. If you exert power over them, they will retaliate in order to gain back the control they feel they are losing. They cannot understand the idea that everyone can feel empowered or that everyone can gain. When they are not in control – of themselves and over other people – they feel threatened. They have difficulty in showing vulnerable emotions because it might suggest they are not in control.

Those who are manipulative usually don’t consciously plan their maneuvers. They emerge from the manipulator’s underlying personality disorder, and are played out within the context of a victim who colludes with, and unwittingly encourages, the manipulation. There is a wide range of tactics used by manipulators ranging from verbal threats to subtle attempts to arrange situations to suit the manipulator. For example, one of the more common forms of manipulation is called splitting – turning two people against each other by talking to each one behind the back of the other, getting them to dislike or distrust each other, and leaving the manipulator in a position of control. They may use active techniques like becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name calling or other bullying tactics. Or they may use more passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, or giving you the silent treatment.

Some Ground Rules for Dealing with Manipulation

• Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is not helpful to try to out manipulate a skillful manipulator – you are simply making yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. You will not change a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving insight. You may think that it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how his or her behavior has an impact on you – but this is generally not helpful since most manipulators are not capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. The only effective method of changing manipulative behavior is to disable it by making a change within yourself, thereby changing the dynamics of the manipulative relationship. If you cease to cooperate with the manipulative tactics, you will alter the nature of the relationship. If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in the relationship, they usually give up – often by leaving the relationship and finding someone else to control.
• Assess the worth of this relationship to you. Depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of happiness and integrity, you may need to consider whether it is worth it to continue the relationship. Of course, there are many situations (parent/child, for example) when you must stay in the relationship, so it is helpful at least to achieve some clarity about what you want in your life and assess how the relationship  has the potential to lead you toward your personal goals.
• Use assertiveness techniques to change the nature of the relationship. You might be so accustomed to complying with the manipulator’s tactics that you automatically do his or her bidding without thinking about it. First, you need to stop your automatic compliance. You do this by buying time to think about each situation as it arises. “I’ll get back to you on that when I have the time to think about it.” At this point you are now in control of the situation. It is not helpful to let
• the manipulator ask you why you need time since this invites your loss of control. Simply repeat the same thing over and over again without explanation. “I need more time to think about it.” Next, you need to confront the fear, anxiety or guilt that has driven you to comply in the past with the manipulator’s demands. This requires a deep look within that may be achieved by working with a professional therapist. Exploring your own personal feelings, why you react as you do, and how to use alternate responses may be a challenge, but the benefits are far-reaching – and they may save your relationship, or at least prepare you for healthier relationships in the future. Finally, you might label the manipulation for what it is. “When you threaten to leave me I feel afraid. If you would simply state your wishes and show me respect, I would be more able to listen to what you want.” In a calm voice and with direct eye contact, it may be time to announce that the old manipulations have come to an end. “We both understand that you have a pattern of playing on my fears, and now you know how I feel about that. Your way of threatening me is not going to work any longer.” In making these types of assertive statements, you are defining your boundaries. There is no need to make threats. Simply state that you will not participate any longer in manipulations. Make it clear that by setting limits and enhancing your own personal integrity, you expect a better relationship in the future. Learning to assert yourself in the face of a manipulative individual who feels threatened when not in control is a challenge, and doing this with the help of a professional therapist is recommended.

The Dream of a Family: Coping with Infertility

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it is even harder to give up when you know it is everything you want"

Author Unknown

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive.  If you are over the age of 35, the time of trying to conceive is reduced to 6 months.  It is estimated that 10 percent of women in the United States between 15-44 have problems becoming or staying pregnant due issues with either female or male infertility.

Infertility knows no race, ethnicity or religion.  It cuts across all groups of people.  There is a good chance some one you know is struggling with infertility right now.  Or, perhaps, you are struggling with many the medical and emotional challenges that accompany infertility.

Infertility is very stressful in many ways.  According to The National Infertility Association, women with infertility have the same levels of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, heart disease and HIV.  Infertility can also be a very lonely process, especially when you feel like those around are able to conceive quickly and easily.  The stress of infertility can impact every area of your life, your relationship with your partner, your job, your relationships with friends and family and even your spirituality.  Combined with the blame and societal pressure to get pregnant, it is not wonder why this journey can create such turmoil for a person.

When do you know it is time to seek professional help?  The experience of infertility can cause pain and grief either acute or prolonged depending on diagnosis.  Infertility can be a time in which a multitude of emotions are experienced at varying levels of degree and severity including anger, jealousy or sadness.  It can also bring about struggles with self esteem or identity.  Infertility is a couple's experience and each partner may respond differently.  This can sometimes bring couples closer together or create strain on the relationship.
If you are concerned that your emotional response to the pain of infertility is beyond what you can manage, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist to help you through your journey.

In the United States there are currently three psychological methods for individuals and couples experiencing infertility; (1) individual/couples therapy (2) support groups (3) mind/body groups.
Infertility counseling can help you with

• Gathering information and making decisions about treatment
• Coping with medical/surgical treatments
• Coping with the emotional responses to infertility
• Managing any pre-existing mental health problems
• Improve relationships
• Manage stress, anxiety and depression
• Improving communication with friends and extended family
• Grieving the losses that accompany infertility

Infertility counseling can help you are your partner

• Improve communication
• Navigate decisions regarding medical treatment and how to build your family
• Improve closeness with one another
• Learn to support one another and meet each other's unique needs during this time

Support groups can help you

• Reduce the feelings of isolation you may experience
• Gain support from others going through a similar struggle
• Learn coping mechanisms

Mind/Body Groups will teach you

• Behavioral techniques for coping with stress and anxiety
• Cognitive techniques to re-frame negative thoughts and beliefs that have developed
• Help you build skills to feel like yourself again

Click Here for Article: Healing the Wound of Infertility 

You do not have to go through this journey alone, do not be afraid to seek out help and find the healing you deserve.


Reference
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association; www.resolve.org

You can read more details here: Fox Valley Institute

Punctuality – Getting there On Time

“I’m always late, I’m always late, and it’s not because I procrastinate. – The White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland (the play)

Some of us have a pattern of being late for appointments, social events, classes, and project deadlines. No matter how hard we try, no matter how strong our resolve to be on time, it just doesn’t happen. We are always late. Researchers estimate that 15 to 20 percent of the population is afflicted with chronic tardiness. Thankfully, with some self-examination, motivation, and practice, people who suffer from this affliction can deal with it successfully and learn to be on time.

The problem of tardiness affects all portions of the population equally – young and old, male and female, the wealthy and the poor. Research shows that people who are chronically late score lower on tests that measure nurturance, self esteem, and self-discipline, and score higher on measures of anxiety and distractibility. Another finding from research is that people who are consistently late underestimate the passage of time.

If you are a late-comer to appointments, you are probably familiar with the embarrassment you feel when people, all of whom seem to be able to get there before you, begin to see you as a problem. You know well the jolt of anxiety that comes as you walk into a room late and notice glances between those who have arrived on time, and perhaps the dreaded rolling of eyes. You know the humiliation of being the target for someone’s sarcasm – “Well, we’re glad you could join us.” You know the experience of making up excuses. “The traffic held me up.” “I had to take an important phone call and the other person wouldn’t stop talking.”

“I had a family emergency.” “I couldn’t find my keys.” But the excuses only work a few times – and then the raw truth sets in. People learn not to take you seriously because, frankly, they feel that you don’t take them seriously. If you did, you would be there on time. People can see through the excuses, especially if these excuses are part of a repetitive pattern, and they resent being misled. Chronic tardiness affects not only the way others see you, but also the way in which see yourself. It compromises your integrity.

Our culture encourages tight schedules and gives timeliness a high priority. Industrialized nations value productivity, discipline, achievement, and the coordination of activities. North Americans, the Japanese, the Swiss, and the Germans all place a high value on being on time. To deviate from these values is to invite resistance from others. These values are not universally found across all cultures, however. Indeed, in some less technologically advanced societies, there is a different concept of time, and their languages don’t provide words for hours, minutes and seconds. Hispanic societies traditionally have a siesta time during the afternoon – a couple of hours to take a nap. And even in England, there was historically a time for a leisurely afternoon cup of tea, although this custom is fading as the British become more highly scheduled. In some societies, being “on time” is defined flexibly. Invite people to your dinner party at 7:00, and expect them to start rolling in at 8:00 or 9:00. This would hardly work, however, in our society, where everything moves like clockwork.

Experts recognize that the problem of tardiness usually has no single or simple cause. Instead, it is a symptom of complex underlying issues that often manifest themselves in other areas of the person’s life as well. Several causes of chronic lateness have been identified, and most people find that two or more of these conditions account for their consistent tardiness. Consider the following causes of tardiness to see if you can come up with a strategy for understanding and dealing with the problem.

Rationalizing Lateness

Many people with a lateness problem rationalize it away – they come up with an explanation for their lack of punctuality every time. The explanations might focus on external circumstances, like the traffic. Or they might blame the other person (“Gee, I was only fifteen minutes late. So why is this person so angry with me? This other person must really have a problem with their anger.”). Or they might engage in denial (“Yes, I know I’m late this time, but I don’t really have a problem.”). They may even minimize the seriousness of the problem (“Sure, I know I was half an hour late for my presentation and people had to wait, but they probably didn’t mind. After all, we need to be flexible.”).

Unfortunately, rationalizing the problem away by finding excuses prevents you from addressing the difficulty and making headway in correcting it. By using rationalization to deal with the anxiety you might otherwise feel when you are late, you blind yourself to the impact your lateness has on other people. And it leads to a distorted definition of yourself – by rationalizing, you will continue to think of yourself as a thoughtful, considerate person, even though your behavior indicates exactly the opposite, especially to other people. Rationalizing prevents us from seeing the reality of a situation.

Too Much To Do

Our society places a great premium on staying busy. Busy people are seen as more productive and successful. You may believe that you must be productive at all times and that if you are not busy, you must be wasting time. You try to squeeze as many activities as possible into the time you have available. To arrive early for a meeting or appointment would mean just sitting there, doing nothing, and that would be unacceptable. So you strive to arrive exactly on time – but then you find several little jobs to do before you leave the house (taking out the garbage, sweeping the front porch, watering the seedlings). And your plan to get there on time is now gone. You are late again.

People who need to stay busy claim that constant activity makes the day go by faster. They believe that they are living life to the fullest or that they are more successful than other people. Studies of the natural cycles of our bodies, however, our biorhythms, suggest that continuously staying busy simply creates unneeded stress. Nature calls for us to intersperse busy periods with down time in a cyclical pattern throughout the day. Arriving a few minutes early to a meeting, sitting with nothing to do, gives us some time to reflect on the day and to sort things through. It gives us a rest so that we can then focus more clearly on the meeting.

Seeking Stimulation

Some of us are unable to get going unless we have a deadline. When we are running late, our anxiety builds, the adrenaline flows, and we feel fully alive. Tardiness is a way of combating the lethargy we experience during the day. An adrenaline rush is exciting, to a point – our thoughts seem to clear and our actions become precise. We imagine that we are functioning at our best. Unfortunately, the reinforcement that comes from this frenzied state perpetuates our problem with lateness. It feels good, as if we are living in the moment, and we want to do it again and again.

Research indicates that stimulation seeking may be a hereditary characteristic. There is a gene linked to the production of brain chemicals associated with the feelings of euphoria and pleasure that are released under conditions of excitement. So, some people seem to need more stimulation than others. Being late, however, is only one way of achieving this stimulation. You can learn other, more constructive ways to enliven your experiences – and they have fewer social consequences than tardiness. A regular exercise program is one way of doing this.

Lack of Self-Discipline

Some of us find it difficult to change whatever we are doing at the time. If we are sleeping, we want to continue to sleep. If we are reading, we don’t want to put the book down. If we are working on a project, we hate to put it aside to do something else. Breaking our momentum is stressful. We struggle everyday between doing what we feel like doing and doing what we know we should do. We seem to want both. Ironically, some people who lack the self-discipline to be on time are highly disciplined in other areas of their lives, so it might be hard for them to accept the fact that they need to work on self-discipline – in other words, accept limitations, consequences and boundaries. There is comfort to be found within a more structured life. The unstructured existence, although it may feel pleasant, can carry a huge price.

Self-discipline in adulthood is often a reflection of how we learned to manage responsibilities in childhood. The expectations learned within our families as we grew up influence the way we structure our activities in adulthood. Did we learn to make up our beds every day, to pick up after ourselves, to get homework assignments in on time? (Conversely, were these tasks so formidable, or even used as punishment, in childhood, that we gave them up altogether once we left home and felt we could finally take it easy?)

Some Other Reasons for Lateness

There are several additional factors that might be associated with a person’s problems with punctuality.

• If you are distractible, have difficulty with focusing, or have problems with attention, you might be prone to tardiness. For example, people with attention deficit disorder sometimes have problems with their punctuality.

• Anxiety or the fear of having panic attacks may dissuade some people from getting to places on time.

• Depression saps our energy, and this may make punctuality difficult.

• Some people play a power game with others. If they can make others wait for them by being late, it gives them a false sense of power and control.

• People with self-esteem issues may have trouble engaging in positive actions, such as getting to their destination on time.

A consultation with a professional therapist can help to clarify the causes of tardiness – and it is a positive first step in conquering a problem that holds many good people back.

You can read more details here: Fox Valley Institute

International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day 2015

Fox Valley Institute will be hosting...

International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day 

Saturday November 21, 2015

You are not alone.

Join with a community of suicide loss survivors to find comfort and gain understanding as we share stories of healing and hope.

International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is the one day a year when people who are affected by suicide loss gather around the world at events in their local communities for support, information and empowerment.

This year's program includes a screening of Family Journeys: Healing and Hope after Suicide, a new documentary produced by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention that traces the ripple effect of a suicide through families and communities, and explores the challenges we face as we cope and heal.

Saturday November 21, 2015

11:00a-3:30p

You can read more details here: Fox Valley Institute

640 N. River Road, Suite 108 Naperville, IL 60563

This Event is FREE

Email: jennifer@fvinstitute.com

Phone: 630.718.0717

Register: https://goo.gl/jU3z5v

Learn more here!

FVI Sponsors Red Ribbon Week on 95.9 the River!

FVI Sponsors Red Ribbon Week on 95.9 the River!

Red Ribbon Week October 23rd-31st

Fox Valley Institute joins the effort to battle drug addiction.  Learn how to identify to warning signs and start treatment for self and loved ones!

Click here to learn more on FVI and the River 95.9

You can read more details here: Fox Valley Institute

Emotional Unavailability

“Fasten your seat-belt. It’s going to be a bumpy ride” - Bette Davis

When we commit to a relationship, we usually expect that our partner will reciprocate with roughly the same level of emotional involvement that we put into it. Many of us hope to find a soulmate, a partner who can share and understand our feelings and ways of thinking on an intensely personal level. Others don’t expect such an intense level of involvement and feel more comfortable maintaining personal privacy within a more boundaries relationship. Conflicts may arise when the two partners differ in their expectations of how close they should become. One partner may feel emotionally stranded, feeling abandoned and craving more closeness, while the other partner may feel smothered or pressured into providing more of his or her emotional self than can possibly be given.

The course of a relationship follows a predictable path. The early weeks, months, or even years of a relationship, in fact, are a time of togetherness – when partners search for and experience the similarities that bring them together. It is common for a couple during this first phase to experience a level of emotional sharing so intense that they want to carry their relationship to a more committed level. The next stage, however, is when boundaries are established, when we focus on our differences and in maintaining our own individuality. Couples who can negotiate their way through both of these stages are moving toward a successful long-term commitment. Both of the initial stages typify a good relationship – the coming together phase, followed by the firming up of our own identities within the relationship. A solid relationship is one in which feelings can be readily expressed and shared while each of the partners is able to experience a sense of their own identities.

All too often, however, there is a discrepancy between the two partners in terms of how much of their emotional life they make available to the other. When one partner is able to share emotionally and the other is not, it is usually the emotionally available one who feels more pain. Take the classic example of a couple who have an intense courtship. One partner lavishes the other with flowers, expensive dinners out, and intimate phone calls. Sweetness fills the air and it feels like a dream come true. You have finally met “the one” you had always hoped to meet. But then, almost as quickly as it began, your partner fails to reciprocate when it comes to sharing emotional feelings. Dating comes to a stop, voicemail messages are not answered, and it’s over. There is no fight. There is no discussion about why things are coming to an end.

After you accept that it’s over, you struggle to make sense of the relationship and notice that the focus was always on you, and that’s why it felt so good. In fact, your partner knew a great deal about you, but you knew virtually nothing about him or her. You confused flattery and attention with emotional involvement. You may finally realize that your partner was unable to connect with you or anyone on an emotional level. He or she was an expert at luring people in, but had no ability to sustain an emotionally available relationship over time. It is a painful ride, but you can learn a valuable lesson from it – that relationships entail reciprocal self-disclosure and sharing. The next time, you’ll have the wisdom to know this before being drawn in.

There are many other examples of partners who are emotionally unavailable. Consider a few of them –

• Some people seem to live to do things, the more exciting the better. They are adventure seekers. There’s always one more trip to take, one more skydive, one more mountain to climb. These people get their attention from their conquests, and not by making themselves vulnerable within an emotional attachment.

• Beautiful people, unfortunately, sometimes grew up with the message that their looks are everything. They may have difficulty engaging in the mutuality of a sharing relationship because they have learned to search for gratification elsewhere. Time may change this, however.

• Addicts are attracted to a number of different objects (alcohol, drugs, work, food, television, shopping, gambling, sex...), and may not be able to sustain an emotional relationship – not with you, anyway.

• Some partners are more influenced by their over involved parent than they are with you. You may be seen as an appendage to the primary relationship – which is with the parent.

• To the intellectualize, emotions are turbulent and unpredictable. Everything has to analyzed, quantified and categorized. Control is everything. Sharing feelings within a relationship is seen as dangerous folly.

• A relationship with a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder is one-sided, in favor of the narcissist. They have a sense of grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy – so that they are more interested in self-love than love based on mutual sharing.

• The keeper of secrets probably has some strong boundaries – or walls – in place, and is unable to engage in an emotionally available relationship. If your partner has a private life from which you are excluded, there are probably serious trust issues which undermine the success of a sharing commitment.

Working on Emotional Availability

Emotional availability refers to the ability of a person to share feelings with another person. In order for this to happen, a person needs to be in touch with his or her own emotions and able to define them. This person would have a good working knowledge of his or her own feelings and be able to identify when he or she feels angry, afraid, hurt, sad, happy, or content. Furthermore, the person needs to be able to read these feelings in other people. When these factors are missing, it is impossible for two people to experience an emotionally available relationship. Since people connect through their feelings, one who is out of touch with the emotional realm leads a lonely and isolated life, unable to engage in the processes of nurturance and trust that can be found within a healthier relationship. Fortunately, this condition is correctable.

We learn about emotions starting in childhood, and we continually refine our relationship with our emotions throughout our lives. We learn subtler versions of our basic childhood emotions during adulthood. We learn how to define them, how to categorize them, and how to express them appropriately throughout our development.

An Exercise: If you (or your partner) feel that you need some work in developing your familiarity with your emotions, you might try the following –

Throughout the day, keep a record of anytime you feel a certain emotion. Keep your list of emotions simple (e.g., “glad,” “sad,” “mad” or “bad – afraid or guilty”). Anytime you feel one of these emotions, identify the time of day, the emotion you’re feeling, and the circumstances surrounding the emotion (i.e., what was going on when you felt the emotion). Later, with your partner, a trusted friend, or your therapist, go through your list and share what you’ve written down. First identify what was going on when you felt a certain emotion. Try to understand why the event led to this emotion. Next, describe how the emotion feels within your body. Finally, after you have completed your list, talk about how it feels to share your emotional feelings with another person.

In addition to becoming familiar with your emotions, there are three other elements that are related to developing the capacity to be emotionally available –

Good Self-Esteem – The messages we have heard from other people throughout our lives – but especially during childhood when we are most vulnerable to the impact of these messages – have a profound influence on how we see ourselves. If people tell us that we have negative qualities, we eventually internalize this message and begin to see ourselves in a negative light. On the other hand, if we are treated with high regard from others as we grow up, we can develop positive self-esteem. People with good self-esteem value themselves, are confident in expressing themselves, and can engage in healthy reciprocal relationships with other people. Positive self-esteem allows a person to treat other people with high regard and to value the accomplishments and achievements of other people without feeling threatened. People with positive self-esteem like themselves, and, in turn, can like other people as well. They can make themselves emotionally available to another person.

Healthy Boundaries – Good boundaries show that you respect the individuality, personal space and privacy of other people – as well as your own. This ability, again, is developed most strongly in childhood, but is refined throughout our lives. People with poor boundaries intrude into the lives of others so that other people don’t feel safe around them. They gossip, reveal secrets, meddle into the private affairs of others, and, in general, fail to show respect for the dignity of other people – as well as themselves. People who grew up in households with poor boundaries have never been able to develop a sense of their own individuality or a sense of separation from their family members, so in adulthood they have difficulty honoring another person’s space. A person with porous boundaries may be emotionally unavailable because, in a sense, they are too available – so available, in fact, that they lack a clear sense of who they are. In order to be emotionally available to another person, you need a good sense of your own self that you protect. When you have good boundaries, you are able to protect the healthiest parts of both yourself and your partner.

The Ability to Trust – One of the core attributes we develop from the families we grow up in is a sense of safety. When we feel safe, we are able to trust in the world. But when we feel abandoned, rejected, or controlled, trust can become an issue for us in later relationships. And when our ability to trust is damaged, we may feel safer by walling ourselves off from our partner – and thus become emotionally unavailable. Trust is a deep issue that requires exploration and understanding, as well as some courage when we are finally ready to attempt to trust other people. The development of trust can be facilitated by working with a professional therapist in a setting that feels safe, and it may be a necessary step in making yourself emotionally available to your partner. When a person makes a commitment to us in a relationship, we owe that person respect – and that means making ourselves emotionally available to those who love us.

Punctuality – Getting there On Time

“I’m always late, I’m always late, and it’s not because I procrastinate. – The White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland (the play)

Some of us have a pattern of being late for appointments, social events, classes, and project deadlines. No matter how hard we try, no matter how strong our resolve to be on time, it just doesn’t happen. We are always late. Researchers estimate that 15 to 20 percent of the population is afflicted with chronic tardiness. Thankfully, with some self-examination, motivation, and practice, people who suffer from this affliction can deal with it successfully and learn to be on time.

The problem of tardiness affects all portions of the population equally – young and old, male and female, the wealthy and the poor. Research shows that people who are chronically late score lower on tests that measure nurturance, self esteem, and self-discipline, and score higher on measures of anxiety and distractibility. Another finding from research is that people who are consistently late underestimate the passage of time.

If you are a late-comer to appointments, you are probably familiar with the embarrassment you feel when people, all of whom seem to be able to get there before you, begin to see you as a problem. You know well the jolt of anxiety that comes as you walk into a room late and notice glances between those who have arrived on time, and perhaps the dreaded rolling of eyes. You know the humiliation of being the target for someone’s sarcasm – “Well, we’re glad you could join us.” You know the experience of making up excuses.

 “The traffic held me up.” “I had to take an important phone call and the other person wouldn’t stop talking.”

“I had a family emergency.” “I couldn’t find my keys.” But the excuses only work a few times – and then the raw truth sets in. People learn not to take you seriously because, frankly, they feel that you don’t take them seriously. If you did, you would be there on time. People can see through the excuses, especially if these excuses are part of a repetitive pattern, and they resent being misled. Chronic tardiness affects not only the way others see you, but also the way in which see yourself. It compromises your integrity.

Our culture encourages tight schedules and gives timeliness a high priority. Industrialized nations value productivity, discipline, achievement, and the coordination of activities. North Americans, the Japanese, the Swiss, and the Germans all place a high value on being on time. To deviate from these values is to invite resistance from others. These values are not universally found across all cultures, however. Indeed, in some less technologically advanced societies, there is a different concept of time, and their languages don’t provide words for hours, minutes and seconds. Hispanic societies traditionally have a siesta time during the afternoon – a couple of hours to take a nap. And even in England, there was historically a time for a leisurely afternoon cup of tea, although this custom is fading as the British become more highly scheduled. In some societies, being “on time” is defined flexibly. Invite people to your dinner party at 7:00, and expect them to start rolling in at 8:00 or 9:00. This would hardly work, however, in our society, where everything moves like clockwork.

Experts recognize that the problem of tardiness usually has no single or simple cause. Instead, it is a symptom of complex underlying issues that often manifest themselves in other areas of the person’s life as well. Several causes of chronic lateness have been identified, and most people find that two or more of these conditions account for their consistent tardiness. Consider the following causes of tardiness to see if you can come up with a strategy for understanding and dealing with the problem.

Rationalizing Lateness

Many people with a lateness problem rationalize it away – they come up with an explanation for their lack of punctuality every time. The explanations might focus on external circumstances, like the traffic. Or they might blame the other person (“Gee, I was only fifteen minutes late. So why is this person so angry with me? This other person must really have a problem with their anger.”). Or they might engage in denial (“Yes, I know I’m late this time, but I don’t really have a problem.”). They may even minimize the seriousness of the problem (“Sure, I know I was half an hour late for my presentation and people had to wait, but they probably didn’t mind. After all, we need to be flexible.”).

Unfortunately, rationalizing the problem away by finding excuses prevents you from addressing the difficulty and making headway in correcting it. By using rationalization to deal with the anxiety you might otherwise feel when you are late, you blind yourself to the impact your lateness has on other people. And it leads to a distorted definition of yourself – by rationalizing, you will continue to think of yourself as a thoughtful, considerate person, even though your behavior indicates exactly the opposite, especially to other people. Rationalizing prevents us from seeing the reality of a situation.

Too Much To Do

Our society places a great premium on staying busy. Busy people are seen as more productive and successful. You may believe that you must be productive at all times and that if you are not busy, you must be wasting time. You try to squeeze as many activities as possible into the time you have available. To arrive early for a meeting or appointment would mean just sitting there, doing nothing, and that would be unacceptable. So you strive to arrive exactly on time – but then you find several little jobs to do before you leave the house (taking out the garbage, sweeping the front porch, watering the seedlings). And your plan to get there on time is now gone. You are late again.

People who need to stay busy claim that constant activity makes the day go by faster. They believe that they are living life to the fullest or that they are more successful than other people. Studies of the natural cycles of our bodies, however, our biorhythms, suggest that continuously staying busy simply creates unneeded stress. Nature calls for us to intersperse busy periods with down time in a cyclical pattern throughout the day. Arriving a few minutes early to a meeting, sitting with nothing to do, gives us some time to reflect on the day and to sort things through. It gives us a rest so that we can then focus more clearly on the meeting.

Seeking Stimulation

Some of us are unable to get going unless we have a deadline. When we are running late, our anxiety builds, the adrenaline flows, and we feel fully alive. Tardiness is a way of combating the lethargy we experience during the day. An adrenaline rush is exciting, to a point – our thoughts seem to clear and our actions become precise. We imagine that we are functioning at our best. Unfortunately, the reinforcement that comes from this frenzied state perpetuates our problem with lateness. It feels good, as if we are living in the moment, and we want to do it again and again.

Research indicates that stimulation seeking may be a hereditary characteristic. There is a gene linked to the production of brain chemicals associated with the feelings of euphoria and pleasure that are released under conditions of excitement. So, some people seem to need more stimulation than others. Being late, however, is only one way of achieving this stimulation. You can learn other, more constructive ways to enliven your experiences – and they have fewer social consequences than tardiness. A regular exercise program is one way of doing this.

Lack of Self-Discipline

Some of us find it difficult to change whatever we are doing at the time. If we are sleeping, we want to continue to sleep. If we are reading, we don’t want to put the book down. If we are working on a project, we hate to put it aside to do something else. Breaking our momentum is stressful. We struggle everyday between doing what we feel like doing and doing what we know we should do. We seem to want both. Ironically, some people who lack the self-discipline to be on time are highly disciplined in other areas of their lives, so it might be hard for them to accept the fact that they need to work on self-discipline – in other words, accept limitations, consequences and boundaries. There is comfort to be found within a more structured life. The unstructured existence, although it may feel pleasant, can carry a huge price.

Self-discipline in adulthood is often a reflection of how we learned to manage responsibilities in childhood. The expectations learned within our families as we grew up influence the way we structure our activities in adulthood. Did we learn to make up our beds every day, to pick up after ourselves, to get homework assignments in on time? (Conversely, were these tasks so formidable, or even used as punishment, in childhood, that we gave them up altogether once we left home and felt we could finally take it easy?)

Some Other Reasons for Lateness

There are several additional factors that might be associated with a person’s problems with punctuality.

• If you are destructible, have difficulty with focusing, or have problems with attention, you might be prone to tardiness. For example, people with attention deficit disorder sometimes have problems with their punctuality.

• Anxiety or the fear of having panic attacks may dissuade some people from getting to places on time.

• Depression saps our energy, and this may make punctuality difficult.

• Some people play a power game with others. If they can make others wait for them by being late, it gives them a false sense of power and control.

• People with self-esteem issues may have trouble engaging in positive actions, such as getting to their destination on time.

A consultation with a professional therapist can help to clarify the causes of tardiness – and it is a positive first step in conquering a problem that holds many good people back.

Click here to read more related articles.

Are Selfies a Sign of a Mental Disorder?

 

Selfies are more then a recent trend, they are a phenomenon. From celebrities, to friends, to kids and even pets you can find just about anyone posing in a selfie these days.

What are Selfies?

A selfie is a photo taken either solo or with other people with a camera held at arm's length or pointed at a mirror.  That photo is then posted to social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.

Defining Narcissism

According to the DSM-V, "the essential feature of narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy that begins in early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts."  Additionally, narcissistic traits can include a sense of entitlement, may take advantage of others, can be arrogant, may be envious or lack empathy.

The Link between Selfies and Narcissism...

Research into the world of selfies is relatively new and minimal however, early results are indicating strong correlations between selfies and personality traits.  In 2015, Fox and Rooney conducted a national study from a sample of 1,000 men ages 18-40.  These men were asked how many selfies they posted on social media in the past week, how many other types of photos they had posted and how much time was spent on social media.  The results of this study indicate that posting numerous selfies was related to higher narcissism and psychopathy.  Fox and Rooney suggest that "narcissists are more likely to show off with selfies and make extra effort to look their best in these photos..and psychopathic men posted selfies but did not tend to edit them suggesting a level of careful self-presentation that you would be unlikely to find among those high in psychopathy".

It is important to note that the study of narcissism as it correlates to selfies is in its infancy and the study conducted by Fox and Rooney was the first of its kind.  The results of this study do not indicate that men who post selfies are narcissistic or psychopathic, it simply means they scored higher on the assessments then those who do not display these traits.

So before you go to post your next selfie after your long run or your new manicure think about your own purpose in posting.  We are all guilty of wanting to share and connect with others but it may be helpful to starting taking note of when you may be looking to meet a deeper need through a selfie and is there a better way to do it?

Click here for further information on this topic

References 

American Psychiatric Association, (2013).  Diagnostic and      statistical manual of mental disorders.  Washington, D.C:        American Psychiatric Publishing.

Fox,J. & Rooney, M.C. (2015).  The Dark Triad and trait self-    objectification as predictors of men's use and self-presentation  behaviors on social networking sites.  Personality and Individual Differences, 76, 161-165.

Understanding Personality Disorders

 Read more here: http://fvinstitute.com/article/understanding-personality-disorders/

 

All of us have our own unique ways of feeling and thinking and expressing ourselves. Most of the time, our uniqueness is seen simply as an individual difference – or something special about each of us. In fact, this is what brings interest and variety to the people in our lives. This is a positive thing. One of the healthiest things we can do is to achieve a fairly objective understanding of just how we are unique or different from other people. Then we can understand how our behavior impacts other people and we can adjust the way we act around other people accordingly. That is, we can problem solve our way through situations when we have a good understanding of our unique personality characteristics. We are talking here about personality style – and all of us have our own styles.

Some of us, though, have personalities that vary significantly from the expectations of the culture. This can involve patterns of feeling, thinking, impulse control and interpersonal functioning that cause distress – sometimes to the person, but especially to those around the person. If the pattern is enduring and pervasive (that is, it persists over time and can be found across a broad range of situations), then it might meet the criteria for a personality disorder. One of the features of a personality disorder is that the person may not realize how their behavior affects others – and that’s why it continues over time and with a variety of different people. So a person with a personality disorder may have difficulty with problem-solving, which impairs their ability to adapt to life’s challenges. People with personality disorders don’t feel distressed about their personality traits, but may suffer from the reactions of others to them. Personality disorders seem to begin fairly early in life, and, unless a change in made, they may continue on through the person’s adulthood. It is important to realize that the behavior of those with personality disorders may have served a positive function at one point in the person’s life – but now those behaviors are an ingrained part of the personality but no longer serve the person well. They actually work against the person’s ability to adapt.

Professional therapists help people to address a number of problems in everyday living, such as mood and thinking disorders, anxiety, impulse control problems or addictive behavior. Personality disorders fall into their own category, however. That is, personality disorders may, or may not, be related to these more traditional areas of treatment. For example, a person suffering from depression may, or may not, also have a personality disorder. Fortunately, there is help for people suffering from personality disorders, as well as their families, work colleagues and close friends. In most cases, people who suffer from a personality disorder can learn to make changes in the behavior that causes distress. It’s not really feasible to say that therapists can “cure” a personality, but they can help the person learn to manage life’s details and responsibilities better.

A Word of Warning: Read the following as an educational pursuit, not as an exercise in self-diagnosis or the diagnosis of anyone else. Many people, when they read the definitions of the various personality disorders, tend to personalize them. That is, they see themselves or others in the definition. This can be a very dispiriting experience. All of us, from time to time, have experiences that are common to many people – but a few experiences hardly constitute the evidence needed for a diagnosis of personality disorder. We can find at least some of our own behavior, or the behavior of someone else, in all of the definitions that follow. Above all, remember that you can do harm to someone by loosely categorizing their behavior based on a few bits of evidence, and you would not want to do this. Diagnosis is best left to those with the training to do it, and it used only when it can help the person. With that in mind, here are descriptions of the ten common personality disorders.

Paranoid Personality Disorder – The paranoid personality constitutes about one percent of the population. The pattern is long-standing, often beginning in early adulthood. People with paranoid personality disorder tend to have a pervasive distrust of others. They attribute malevolent motives to other people. Without any real basis for their beliefs, they feel that others are harming or exploiting them. They become preoccupied with the issue of who can be trusted and who cannot. They read demeaning messages into the words and behavior of others, and they frequently bear grudges against others. They perceive attacks against them that are not apparent to other people. They have difficulty in confiding in others for fear that information will be used against them. They become angry quickly and they are quick to counter-attack.

Schizoid Personality Disorder – This is a rare disorder that constitutes less than one percent of the population. It usually begins in early adulthood and presents itself as a pervasive problem affecting virtually every aspect of the sufferer’s life. The person feels detached from virtually all social relationships. They show a restricted range of emotions around others. They almost always choose solitary activities, but they show pleasure in few, if any, of these activities. They are often indifferent to the praise or criticism they receive from others. They lack close friends or people they can open up to.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder – This begins in early adulthood and is more common in that about three percent of the population could be described by this diagnosis. These people tend to be described as eccentric in their dress and behavior. They feel uncomfortable with close relationships. They tend to have odd beliefs and engage in what is called “magical thinking,” that is, they draw conclusions without considering the logic behind their inferences. Their thinking and speech are often described as odd. They tend to be suspicious of others and their range of emotion is limited. People with schizotypal personality disorder usually have few close friends and they feel anxious in social situations.

Antisocial Personality Disorder – About three percent of men and one percent of women can be described by this diagnosis – and the pattern becomes obvious during adolescence, if not before. People with antisocial personalities tend to violate the rights of others. They often have brushes with the law and fail to conform to social norms. They may lie to others or con others for personal gain. They are impulsive and fail to plan ahead. They manipulate others and often disregard their own safety or the safety of others. They are irresponsible with their work or financial obligations. People with antisocial personality disorder get into fights, and are irritable and aggressive around other people. A lack of remorse is one of the defining characteristics of this disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder – The borderline pattern becomes apparent at least by early adulthood, and it is estimated that about two percent of the population suffers from this disorder. The defining characteristic of this disorder is instability of mood, self-image, and interpersonal relationships. In their relationships, people with borderline disorders tend either to idealize others or devalue them – and this can switch back and forth quickly. They fear both being abandoned by and becoming intimate with others. Their behavior is impulsive, and self-destructive threats are common. Their moods can change abruptly from happiness to misery, often over the course of only a few hours. They may feel empty inside and show frequent displays of temper, as well as suspicious thinking.

Histrionic Personality Disorder – About two to three percent of the population can be diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder, a problem which begins to show itself by early adulthood. The defining characteristic of this disorder is excessive expression of emotions and attention-seeking. Sufferers may feel uncomfortable when they are not the center of attention. They use their physical appearance to draw attention to themselves. They are often theatrical and dramatic – and they are suggestible and easily influenced by others. They express emotions in a rapidly shifting manner. People with histrionic personality disorder may think that their relationships are more intimate than they actually are.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – This is a fairly rare disorder, affecting about one percent of the population, and it first appears by early adulthood. A loose definition of narcissism is “self love.” People with this disorder have a great need for admiration from others, but little capacity for empathy. They tend to be grandiose in their fantasy world and superior to others in their thoughts. They are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success and power, and they have a sense of entitlement (that is, they feel they deserve special treatment). They believe they are special or unique, and others may describe them as arrogant. They tend to exploit others and manipulate them, and they lack empathy for the feelings of other people.

Avoidant Personality Disorder – This is another rare disorder that describes less than one percent of the population. Again, it becomes apparent by early adulthood. People with this disorder are inhibited or timid. They feel inadequate, but are sensitive to negative criticisms. Unless they are certain they will be liked, they tend to avoid involvement with other people. They are preoccupied with being criticized or rejected by others, and they feel inadequate when people are being compared or evaluated. They are reluctant to take risks for fear of being embarrassed.

Dependent Personality Disorder – This disorder may affect less than three percent of the population, and it appears by early adulthood. It is characterized by an excessive need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to others and to show a submissive stance in their interpersonal relationships. They have a fear of separation and they require others to assume responsibility for most life activities. Dependent personalities have difficulty in making everyday decisions, and they have difficulty in disagreeing with others for fear of being rejected. They are preoccupied with the fear of having to take care of themselves. They lack confidence in their own judgment, so they have difficulty in initiating projects. They go to any lengths to get nurturance from other people.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder – This disorder, which shows itself by adulthood, affects about one percent of the population. People with this diagnosis are preoccupied with being orderly and perfect and they need a sense of mental and interpersonal control. They have difficulty with flexibility and openness. They often get so involved in rules, procedures and organization that the point of the activity is lost. Others may describe them as “workaholics.” They are rigid and miserly, and they have difficulty in throwing out things. At work, they find it difficult to delegate tasks.

There is Hope for Those With Personality Disorders

When therapists attempt to achieve behavior changes in their clients, they usually assume the absence of a personality disorder. It is, after all, a major task to work with clients in making significant life changes without going through the hurdle of addressing a personality disorder as well. People with personality disorders often lack the feeling of distress that motivates major changes within the therapeutic setting.

However, when the focus is on specific behaviors that can be changed to bring about smoother life adjustments, therapists can have great success in working with people who have personality disorders. Most people can recognize when they have a recurrent pattern of difficulty in their lives – and this recognition can serve as the motivator for change in therapy. A trained professional therapist is able to find those areas that help a client recognize the need for change. For example, people with dependent personality disorder may come to understand that they may well lose their significant relationship unless some changes occur in their need to be taken care of. While the person’s internal needs for dependency may persist even after the therapeutic intervention, hanges in the person’s overt behavior can go a long way in resolving the situation. When the outer behaviors are changed, the internal needs may then undergo adjustments in a healthier direction.

People with paranoid personality disorder, for example, can activate their sensitivity so that they become attuned to the needs of other people in a productive way. People with schizotypal personality disorder can transform a pattern of odd beliefs into a more creative and socially approved set of responses. Those with borderline personalities can use their tendency toward rapidly shifting moods to being more spontaneous (and sensible) in their responses toward others. Negative symptoms associated with these disorders can be turned into positive qualities which help the person in adapting to life’s demands. A trained professional therapist is able to provide a setting in which seemingly intractable problems can be addressed.

A feeling of safety and trust is built between the therapist and client – and this opens the door to trying new behaviors, with support, which have seemed impossible until now. A whole new world awaits those who give it a try.