The post I Just Need Someone to Listen! The Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy appeared first on Fox Valley Institute.
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Tuesday, May 31, 2016
I Just Need Someone to Listen! The Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy
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Sunday, May 22, 2016
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Watch: The Art of Keeping Passion in Your Relationship
The post Watch: The Art of Keeping Passion in Your Relationship appeared first on Fox Valley Institute.
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The Art of Keeping Passion in Your Relationship
Dr. Laura and Cheryl spoke about myths, biological differences and practical ways to bring passion back into your relationship. There are many myths that couples often believe that prove detrimental to relationships and marriages.
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Monday, May 9, 2016
Building Healthy Friendships One Step At a Time
How do these famous quotes sound to you:
"It is better to be in chains with friends, than to be in a garden with strangers."
"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice."
"To have a friend, you have to be a friend."
"The only unsinkable ship is FRIENDSHIP."
Do
any of these quotes seem unrealistic? Often people like to romanticize
about friendship. But the reality is, like any relationships, they can
be positive or negative. And they can take a lot of plain old hard work.
Some
people yearn for intimacy in their friendships. Meanwhile, many others
who have been hurt by a friend are afraid of intimacy in a friendship.
When these two different kinds of people meet and become friends, it
sets up an imbalanced relationship.
For the person looking for
intimacy, it's important to be sensitive of the other person. Are they
being friendly but keeping a safe distance? If so, be careful not to
push the relationship in a different direction. They may need time to
heal. Or, they may not want to be as close to you as you may want to be
to them. As much as that thought may hurt, it would hurt much worse to
find out they really don't want to be close friends once you've invested
a lot of time and energy in the relationship.
And sometimes friendships take time to evolve. Be patient.
If
you push a friendship artificially, you may end up feeling hurt, or
worst betrayed if things don't work out. That may make it hard for you
to take the risk again. In essence you'll become like the second person
in our example.
On the other hand, if you're the person who's
afraid of being hurt, you need to work out your feelings. Many people I
talk to are struggling to resolve wounds from a friendship painfully
gone bad. In some ways, being hurt in a friendship can often be more
difficult than being hurt by a family member. Someone once said "You
can‚'t choose your relatives, but you can choose your friends."
To better understand how friendships work or don't work it's important to understand how friendships evolve…
Usually
you meet a new friend because you have something in common: you like
the same sport or you're in a group together or your personalities just
click. So your friendship starts based on some kind of commonality. In
the beginning you spend all your time talking about your common
interests and you talk entirely about the present. Your conversations
are about facts and information.
Then, over time, as a
relationship grows, you find yourself opening up more. You express more
emotion. You begin to share more of your history -- and how you feel
about events in your past.
And that's when people get hurt. It's
not sharing the facts it's sharing the feelings. In friendships,
feelings create intimacy, not facts. And it's when you feel someone has
been insensitive to you or betrayed your confidence that you can get
hurt.
As playwright Oscar Wilde said: "A true friend stabs you in
the front." Sometimes it's not what's done to our face, but what happens
behind our back that hurts most.
And although male and female
friendships look different on the outside, there is still intimacy
developing under the surface. Under it all, true friendships have a deep
sense of loyalty and commitment. A true friend is someone you can call
and say, "I need you right now" and they'll drop what they are doing to
be there for you.
Over time, deeper friendships tend to weather
more together, so they tend to be able to withstand more. These are the
kinds of friendships that songs and poems are written about. In a sense,
true friendship is what Woody sang about in Toy Story when he said:
"You've
got troubles, I've got 'em too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for
you. We'll stick together to see it through cause you've got a friend in
me."
Monday, May 2, 2016
A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way
Sometimes a couple can see the same situation entirely differently…
His View…
Mike
was exhausted. Work was rotten. Traffic was crazy. He just wanted to
get out of his work clothes, grab a cold drink and watch the video he
rented last night.
Backing into the driveway, he could tell things
weren't going to go as he hoped. CRUNCH. He pulled forward and saw his
daughter Kaytlan's new two-wheeler.
He walked in the house and
smelled dinner burning. Turning down the burner, he tried to act upbeat
and not let his bad day show through.
"Are we eating Cajun or Creole tonight?" he joked. "Whatever it is, it looks blackened."
"What's wrong, now?" his wife asked entering the room.
"Nothing."
Mike said. "Dinner was burning. I turned the flame down for you. If
it's O.K. I'm going to change and take a shower before dinner."
As he turned to leave he caught the look in Jennifer's eye.
"What's wrong?" he asked gently.
"Davy
didn't take a nap today and Kaytlan needs help with her homework," she
said. "You might want to think of your family before you think of
yourself some night."
"I just want to relax," he said cracking open a can of Coke. "They'll still be here when I'm done with my shower."
"Just once could come home and help out around here?" Jennifer replied. "I've had a really tough day."
"Me, too. Can I have just five minutes?" Mike asked.
"Mommy! Davy's sticking Cheese Munchies in the VCR," cried out Kaytlan.
Mike stood silent. He mourned as his lost video time.
"Don't
worry about it," snapped Jennifer. "I'll take care of it. You just
worry about yourself! We'll just pretend your not here."
She slammed the TV room door. Mike walked upstairs to the bedroom and quietly closed out the frustrations of the day.
Her View…
Jennifer
had been running all day. Kaytlan overslept she had to drive her to
school. Jennifer didn't even have time for a shower, she just washed her
hair and ran out. She couldn't wait for Mike to come home from work and
help her out…
CRUNCH. Uh oh. Did he hit Kaytlan's new bike? Mike
wasn't paying attention again. He seemed so wrapped up with work lately.
He'd even been ignoring the kids.
After tossing the rug in the wash, she hears Mike complaining in the kitchen.
"…Looks burnt," she heard Mike say.
"What's wrong?" she asked trying to act upbeat and not let her bad day show through.
"Nothing,"
Mike said. "Dinner was burning. I had to turned the flame down for you.
If it's O.K with you, I'm going to change and take a shower before
dinner."
As he turned to leave he caught the look in Jennifer's eye.
"What's your problem?" he said.
"Davy
didn't take a nap and Kaytlan needs help with her homework," she said
gently. "You might want to spend some time with them first."
"I just want to relax," he said spilling Coke on her newly washed floor. "They'd still be here when I'm done with my shower."
He's had his whole ride home to relax, she thinks.
"Could you help me out a little today? Just this once?" Jennifer pleaded. "It's been a tough day."
"And my day's been easy? Can't I come home and have some time to myself? All I want is five minutes." Mike jabbed.
"Mommy! Davy's sticking Cheese Munchies in the VCR," called Kaytlan.
Mike stood brewing. Jennifer knew he was looking forward to seeing that video he rented last night. She felt badly for him.
"Don't
worry about it," Jennifer comforted Mike. "I'll take care of it. You
just take care of yourself. Just pretend we're not here."
She closed the TV room door quietly behind her. Mike loudly marched up stairs to the bedroom and slammed the door.
In A Perfect World…
If
you and your spouse write down how a quarrel looked to you after the
anger has dissipated, chances are your transcripts will read like this. A
good way to diffuse arguments can be to try seeing things from your
partner's point of view. The problem is that in the heat of the moment,
it's often hard to see things clearly.
Another solution is to
recognize that conflict is part of relationship and not let an argument
grow into resentment. And sometimes all it takes to understand your
husband or wife is a little shift perspective.
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