Healing Marriages: Affair Repair – If You Are the Spouse Who Was Hurt

Fox Valley Institute - Counseling and Psychiatry for Marriage, Teen, Family, Depression, Anxiety - Therapy and Psychological Testing - Located in Naperville IL

"Infidelity launches a series of complex and conflicting emotions. A world that was once thought of as safe and secure now has been ripped apart and is filled with panic and helplessness for the hurt spouse. These five actions can assist in the healing of your marriage." –Suzanne Keenon, MA, LCPC

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Beacon-News Article November 9th

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Amid national discussion after shootings, mental health issues bring Fox Valley leaders to the table.

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Healing Marriages: Affair Repair

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“You can heal from an affair, and create a marriage richer than before, I’ve seen this in countless relationships in my twelve years of practice” –Suzanne Keenon, MA, LCPC

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Roundtable: Mental Health Raises its Voice

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(Naperville, IL, Oct. 25, 2017) – For generations, mental illness has been shrouded in shame.
The roundtable, held at Fox Valley Institute’s Naperville office, included politicians, first responders, insurance, legal and mental health professionals.

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Open Letter: Fox Valley Institute Stands by Those Affected By Tragedy

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Are your Thoughts and Behaviors Limiting You?

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What Happens When Pizza and Netflix is Your Way to Survive the School Year?

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Is Love Enough to Make a “Good Marriage”?

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We may not have a road map that navigates our relationships in life; however, we can develop healthy habits that sustain them. These habits are applicable for all marriages, at any stage, whether you are newlywed or your relationship is entering its twilight years.

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When You Feel Overwhelmed and Unmotivated

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FVI July/August Newsletter

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Announcing Dr. Laura Bokar’s Election to the Loaves and Fishes Community Services Board of Directors

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(Naperville, IL – August 1, 2017) Loaves and Fishes Community Services 2017 welcomes Dr. Laura Bokar, CEO of Fox Valley Institute for Growth and Wellness to serve her first term on the Board of Directors.

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Announcing Dr. Laura Bokar’s Election to the Loaves and Fishes Community Services Board of Directors

Fox Valley Institute - Counseling and Psychiatry for Marriage, Teen, Family, Depression, Anxiety - Therapy and Psychological Testing - Located in Naperville IL

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Create the Marriage You Desire or Life Will Do It for You

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Create the Marriage You Desire or Life Will Do It for You

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Create the Marriage You Desire or Life Will Do It for You

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Meet Joe Dubowski, MS, LMFT !

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Therapy For Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder was once thought to be a fairly rare but serious mental problem. Specialists saw it as serious mainly because the behavior of a person with this disorder appears quite abnormal to other people. About one in forty people suffers from OCD, and many cases go undiagnosed, so we now know that it is not so rare a condition. The more researchers discovered about OCD, the more they saw that people with this disorder are normal in most respects.

All of us have habits or patterns of living that make our lives infinitely easier. Our morning grooming routine, for example, repeats itself in just about the same way each day. Think about how chaotic and difficult our lives would be if we didn't have well-learned habits to rely on and instead had to create a new routine every morning. For the person with OCD, however, this habitual behavior interferes with the smooth flow of everyday living and these habits cause them anxiety and worry.

People with OCD often feel that they are losing their minds, although this is far from the truth. They realize that their thoughts and behaviors might be seen by others as bizarre, so they try to hide these patterns. This part of their lives is led in secret and they try to present themselves on the outside as being as normal as possible. They might feel that no therapist, and certainly no friend or relative, could possibly understand what they experience privately everyday.

It is when the rituals become so time-consuming and the person is no longer able to function on the job or at home that the victim of OCD seeks help. Thus, the number of people with OCD far exceeds the number who actually receive treatment for the disorder. Happily, OCD does not need to be a debilitating life condition. Although there is no cure at this point, the symptoms can be controlled so that OCD need not interfere with normal everyday living.

Therapy For Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

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How To Recognize A Person With Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)?

What is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is defined by obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors that interfere with a person's normal routines, daily functioning, or relationships with others. They are distressing to the one who suffers from OCD and they are time-consuming.

Obsessions are persistent thoughts, ideas, impulses, or images that cause anxiety and worry. The person feels that the thoughts are not within his or her control and that the thoughts are not normal. The person suffering from obsessions knows that these thoughts come from within and are not imposed from an outside source.

Compulsions are repetitive behaviors performed in response to obsessive thoughts in order to relieve anxiety or worry. The discomfort of an obsessive thought compels the sufferer to want to contain or neutralize the discomfort by engaging in some ritualistic behavior. These compulsions can be mental acts, such as counting, praying, repeating words silently, or repetitive behaviors such as checking, hand washing, or putting objects in order. People with OCD do not experience pleasure from performing these behaviors they engage in them in order to avoid some dreaded consequence, such as harm that might come to others or to themselves, if they do not perform the rituals.

To qualify as obsessive-compulsive disorder, the person recognizes that the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable. They cause marked distress, are time-consuming (taking up at least one hour per day), and significantly interfere with the person's normal routine, work or school functioning, or usual social activities or relationships.

OCD is not the same as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, an eating disorder, or superstitious behavior. It is important to realize that OCD is not the same as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is a tendency that some people have to be perfectionists. These people like having order and some rigidity in their lives. People with OCD, on the other hand, are disturbed by their ritualistic patterns.

The onset of OCD is usually gradual, although in some cases, people have reported a sudden onset. When a person has a biological predisposition to OCD, it can be triggered off by stress at home, with a relationship, with friends, or on the job. It is often associated with major life transitions, such as pregnancy, leaving home for the first time, increased levels of responsibility, or health problems.

OCD is linked to anxiety. Not only do the obsessions and compulsions cause the person great anxiety, but they may actually be the way a person alleviates anxiety. When victims of this disorder experience anxiety, they find structure and a degree of comfort in repeating the same thoughts or behaviors over and over again. But engaging in these thoughts and behaviors seems itself to cause further anxiety. This becomes an endless cycle in which the person truly feels trapped.

Some OCD Statistics

About 20% of the people with this disorder have only obsessions or compulsions (but not both), and the remaining 80% experience both obsessions and compulsions. Most people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder will show symptoms prior to the age of 25; only 15% of all OCD sufferers will first show signs after the age of 35. About 15 to 20% have a family member who also suffers from this disorder.

Approximately 70% of those with OCD will suffer from a major depression at some point in their lives. There is a slightly higher incidence of OCD in women if it first appears during adolescence. However, if it first shows itself in childhood, boys with OCD outnumber girls by about two to one. What these statistics show is that if you suffer from OCD, you are not alone. People with OCD keep it a secret, so we don't usually realize how many of the people have it.

How To Recognize A Person With Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)?

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What Causes OCD?

Despite the myths that early childhood experiences (like the way one is toilet trained) might lead to OCD, there is no real evidence to support this notion (although one may end up with a particularly rigid personality because of early childhood training). There does seem to be a genetic component to this disorder, however. It runs in families. There is evidence that it may be related to brain chemistry, especially with neurotransmitters such as serotonin.

Furthermore, about one-fourth of all those with this disorder seem to have it triggered by a stressful life experience. While the exact cause is not known, it appears that OCD results from a combination of inherited predispositions combined with environmental factors. These environmental factors may include trauma, childhood neglect, family stress, illness, divorce, accidents, as well as major life transitions such as adolescence, leaving home, marriage, parenthood, and retirement.

Some Common OCD Obsessions

People who suffer from this disorder realize that their obsessions do not make sense, but they are not able to put them out of their minds. Here are some common themes in the thoughts of people with OCD:

• Fear of getting a disease
• Fear of being contaminated or infected by things in the environment
• Fear that a disaster will occur
• Fear of committing a crime or harming oneself or others
• Recurring sexual thoughts and images
• Fear of losing things that will be needed later, resulting in hoarding and collecting things
• Concern over order, structure, exactness
• Excessive worry over religious issues, morality, and issues of right and wrong

Some Common OCD Compulsions or Rituals

In order to reduce anxiety caused by obsessions, people with OCD feel that they have to do something, so they engage in ritualistic behaviors. The fears soon return, however, and they have to start the rituals all over again. Here are some common ones:

• Grooming behaviors, like washing hands repeatedly
• Changing clothes again and again
• Counting to oneself over and over
• Arranging things in a certain ritualistic way
• Checking light switches, stove burners, locks, or electrical outlets constantly
• Hoarding things like magazines or mail

Some Common OCD Patterns

Counting and Repeating: Some people with OCD feel that they have to count things, like passing automobiles or the number of seconds it takes to brush one’s teeth. They may feel that they have to repeat a word a certain number of times in order to protect themselves or someone else from harm, or they may feel that they have to change clothes repeatedly before leaving the house.

Protecting Against Contamination: The most common form of compulsion is repeated cleaning and washing. Some OCD sufferers may wash their hands thirty, forty, or more times a day, or they may take a shower several times throughout the course of a day. If someone has come into the house, they may later scrub the house thoroughly to avoid possible exposure to germs or other contaminants.

Checking: A common OCD compulsion involves checking things over and over again to make sure that everything is in order. A person may check the locks on the doors repeatedly or go through all the light switches in the house to make sure that they are turned off. They know logically that everything is alright, but they have a secret feeling that things should be checked again and again. They may go over a report on the job or at school so often that they cannot get things in on time.

Hoarding: Some people cannot throw out anything. In order not to lose anything of importance, they will save old mail, newspapers, magazines, old clothes, dead plants, or used containers until it becomes impossible to maneuver through the house.

Strange Movements: Sometimes rituals can be seen in the form of odd movements, like making every fourth step a skip while walking or rotating one’s neck a certain number of times before entering a room.

Being Scrupulous: Some people with OCD will do anything to avoid certain thoughts or actions. For example, their obsessions may lead them to avoid certain words in their speech, certain places, some items of clothing, or consuming certain foods or drinks.

What Causes OCD?

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Is There Help For Ocd?

Although there is no absolute cure for OCD at this point, there is substantial help available for those who suffer from this disorder. Life for the OCD sufferer can become normalized so that the symptoms don’t interfere with everyday living. With effective treatment, people with this disorder can live full, productive, and normal lives.

Psychotherapy, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, is an important part of recovery from OCD. This form of therapy provides the tools and skills necessary for managing obsessional and compulsive behavior. One helpful therapeutic tool used with OCD is exposure and response prevention.

This technique reduces the anxiety associated with obsessive thoughts through a process called habituation. When a person is exposed to anxiety repeatedly, the nervous system gradually adjusts to the anxiety (just as our hands adjust to being dipped in cold water after a period of time).

Thus, we learn to tolerate the anxiety associated with obsessive thinking and decrease the need to engage in compulsive techniques for reducing the anxiety. Psychotherapy also aims to challenge the faulty thinking patterns that drive and maintain the obsessive thoughts. Another valuable technique is called mindfulness, in which we increase our awareness of the thoughts that guide our debilitating behavior.

Supportive therapy with a concerned professional can help the person to gain knowledge and courage to try to deal with anxieties without resorting to obsessional thoughts and compulsive behavior.

An important component of therapy is to bring other family members into the process so that they can learn appropriate ways of coping with the disorder and provide a supportive and understanding environment for the sufferer.

Most people who suffer from OCD try to keep their condition secret and may engage in denial. The first step in overcoming this debilitating circumstance is to make an appointment to talk to a professional psychotherapist. The sessions with your therapist are safe, trustworthy, and supportive. Getting your condition under control is a challenge – but things will only get better after making that first call. Help and hope are just a phone call away.

Is There Help For Ocd?

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Family Counseling

• Some reasons why families seek counseling:
• Families are going through a time of transition or change
• Divorce, Remarriage or Death has affected your family system
• The family is not functioning and feels constantly drained of energy
• Presence of continual and disruptive communication breakdowns
• Exhibition of extreme emotions from one or many family members
• Distancing, cutting off or isolation of one or more family members
• Sudden changes in child/children’s behavior at home or at school
• A traumatic experience within or affecting the family
• One or more family members is struggling with mental illness
• One or more family members is struggling with substance abuse

Even healthy families experience situations where they can benefit from guidance to regain positive connection. If this is happening to your family, we can help.

Experienced therapists at Fox Valley Institute can help you see how your family system works, how the individual family members within the system are interconnected and how each person’s patterns of relating affect the whole.

Families are like a mobile. Each member, like the pieces hanging from the mobile, is interconnected. When one piece moves, the whole mobile moves. If one piece is disconnected or trying to sustain too much of the load, the mobile is out of balance and ineffective.

To understand the individual is to know his or her place in the system. People simply cannot be understood in isolation from one another. Thus, one family member cannot be a problem in isolation. They simply are part of a struggling system.

Here are some examples of ways family therapy can help you to understand and change your family patterns:

• Understand how the specific ways your family relates define the personality and functionality of your system
• Clearly see how each part of the system affects the others, whether positive or negative
• Identify the family rules and roles created to protect your family system, whether in times of health or dysfunction
• Assess how boundaries ñ whether they exist in extremes or not at all — are affecting the functionality and quality of your family relationships
• Recognize how your particular family system adapts to change in response to its members and the environment
• Distinguish dysfunctional patterns within family systems
• Differentiate normal changes in the family system (predictable life cycle changes) from crisis

Family systems are self-reflective. We have the capacity to examine our own behavior and use our knowledge to set goals and affect change. We do not have to accept things as they are, we can always strive for better connection and effectiveness.

At Fox Valley Institute, we offer a confidential, safe and comfortable space for our clients. From evening and weekend appointment times to our warm and soothing waiting room, your well-being is a priority.

Family Counseling

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To Grieve Is To Be Weak

Grief does not have to hold us in its grip, we can move through it. What are we to do with the feelings we have when we have to deal with loss? Sometimes we allow society to dictate how we deal with our feelings. 

Society tells us

We are expected to be strong and courageous. Growing up, boys and men are often told “don’t cry, shake it off, just get back in there and play.” In “A League of Their Own” Tom Hanks’ famous quote, “There’s no crying in baseball” is a prime example of how to deal with emotions. Little boys are told they have to be “the man of the house” and have to “be strong and take care of your Mom now.” Older males are often told “It’ll be OK.

You have to be strong for your kids. Don’t let them see you cry.” Society expects us to avoid grief because it is a sign of weakness. When we say, “she is not coping very well” we seem to convey someone is failing in the grieving process if she directly expresses her sadness. We do not encourage others to cry, mourn, or openly express their pain.

We have things that need to be done.

“Well now that your husband is gone are you going to clear out the house and move to a smaller place?” “Now that you are alone maybe you should move to be closer to your children?” “How long has it been, aren’t you ready to get on with your life?” When someone passes we have things to do and we tend to do them. Are we then going through the motions and avoiding the emotions?

To Grieve Is To Be Weak

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Depression Checklist

• Give yourself permission to feel depressed. Don’t expect too much from yourself, since this will only lead to feelings of failure – and this in turn perpetuates the depressive pattern. Don’t fight the depression so hard. Giving in to it may alleviate the depressed feelings. (However, if you have suicidal or other destructive thoughts, you are advised never to give in to these – and to consult a professional immediately.)
• Try not to set difficult goals for yourself or to take on more responsibilities than you can realistically handle. Break large tasks into smaller ones. Set priorities and take things one at a time. Learn to comfort yourself when you feel depressed.
• Realize that you may have negative thoughts – and that they are a symptom of the depression. One thing you may focus on in therapy is turning negative thoughts into positive ones.
• Postpone important life decisions until your depression is brought under control. If you must make major decisions, consult others who can be trusted and can take an objective view of the situation.
• It is important during a depression to avoid the use of alcohol or drugs. While you may feel a temporary “high,” this can lead to a dangerous pattern of highs and lows which can ultimately create a negative spiral that is very difficult to get out of.
• Try to spend as much time as you can around other people. While this may seem impossible, it is better than being alone. It is important not to overdo it, however. Feeling better takes time.
• Recognize that there are certain times of the day when you feel better. Use these times to your advantage.
• While it may seem impossible, try to get some exercise. Pumping up your heart for even half an hour every other day does wonders for your mood, and you can do this by taking a walk. Don’t blame yourself, though, if you cannot accomplish as much as you think you should.
• Treat yourself, everyday if possible, to some activity that makes you feel better. Take a walk in a park or enjoy a bubble bath. Read an interesting article, listen to some music you like, or attend a social or religious function.

A Depression Checklist

If you check at least half of the following items, you may benefit from a consultation with a trained professional who can help you in working through a depression.

____ It is hard for me to concentrate on reading or watching TV.
____ My future seems hopeless.
____ I do things slowly.
____ Pleasure and joy have gone out of my life.
____ I feel sad, blue and unhappy.
____ I have lost interest in things that used to be important to me.
____ I have difficulty making decisions.
____ I feel that I am guilty and deserve to be punished.
____ It takes a great effort to do even simple things.
____ I feel fatigued.
____ I have had thoughts about hurting myself.
____ My sleep is disturbed – too little, too much, or broken sleep.
____ Without trying to diet, I have lost (or gained) weight.
____ I feel depressed even when good things happen.
____ I have negative thoughts much of the time.

Depression Checklist

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Depressive Disorder

A third type of depressive disorder is bipolar disorder or manic-depressive illness. This disorder, which is much less common than major depression, is characterized by a pattern of cycling between periods of depression and elation. These cycles, or “mood swings,” can be rapid, but most often occur gradually over time. When in the depressed part of the cycle, the person can experience any of the symptoms of depression. When the person moves into the manic or¬†elated phase, however, he or she can experience irritability, severe insomnia, inappropriate social behavior (like going on spending sprees), talking rapidly with disconnected thoughts, increased energy, poor judgment, and increased sexual desire.

There is strong evidence that bipolar disorder is largely an inherited condition, and many people with this disorder respond well to medication.

Some symptoms of bipolar disorder are –

• High energy with a decreased need for sleep
• Extreme irritability
• Rapid and unpredictable mood changes
• An exaggerated belief in one’s abilities
• Impulsive actions with damaging consequences (e.g., charging up credit cards, sudden love affairs, etc.).

Two other forms of depression -

Post-Partum Depression is linked to hormonal changes following the birth of a child. This can be a serious form of depression, sometimes with psychotic features, but most sufferers respond well to treatment. Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD is found among those who are sensitive to the shorter days of winter, especially those who live at northern latitudes. Many people with SAD respond to daily exposure to full spectrum lighting.

A depressive disorder is a serious condition which affects virtually every aspect of a person’s everyday life experiences. It is not a sign of personal weakness, although many depressed people feel guilty about not being stronger and tend to blame themselves. It is not possible just to “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” in order to get better. The sufferer should find the help of a trained professional. A depression is a time for introspection and reflection, a time to discover what has gone wrong and what can be made better. A trained professional can help the person with depression begin to see things in a more positive light.

Many people respond to psychotherapy alone in their treatment for depression. Others are helped by a combination of therapy and an antidepressant medication. Medications can facilitate the healing process. People also benefit by acquiring the life tools that are learned in psychotherapy. Recent studies have indicated that medication alone without psychotherapy doesn’t work in the long run as well as psychotherapy alone or psychotherapy used in conjunction with medication.

What is most encouraging about this devastating condition is that so many people do get better when they find the appropriate treatment!

Depressive Disorder

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Symptoms Of Major Depression

Not all depressions are alike. The nature of one’s depression depends on the cause and on each person’s individual adaptation to this disorder. Here are several generally recognized forms of depression.

Major Depression

A major depression is different from a state of normal sadness. People who experience depression describe it as agonizing pain that cannot be shaken and seems to have no end in sight. They feel trapped and often talk about having a dark empty pit in their chest or stomach that cannot be filled. Some depressed people contemplate suicide. Virtually all people with depression complain about reduced energy, reduced concentration, and the inability to complete projects. About eighty percent of depressed people say they have trouble sleeping, with frequent nighttime awakening during which they worry about their problems. Many people with depression oversleep during the daytime. Many people with this disorder report that they have had either an increase or a decrease in their appetite, sometimes accompanied by weight gain or loss. About fifty percent of people with depression say that their symptoms are worse in the morning and that they feel a bit better by evening. Half of all people with depression report only one severe episode within their lifetimes, but the remainder may have this happen twice, or repeatedly, during their lives.

• Here are some symptoms of major depression
• Diminished ability to enjoy oneself
• Loss of energy and interest
• Difficulty concentrating; slowed or fuzzy thinking; indecision
• Magnified feelings of hopelessness, sadness, or anxiety
• Decreased or increased sleep and/or appetite
• Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
• Recurring thoughts of death

Dysthymia

Another common form of depressive disorder is called dysthymia. This involves having chronic, long-lasting symptoms of depression, which are not disabling, but prevent a person from functioning at top capacity or from feeling good. Women experience dysthymia about twice as often as men, and it is also found in those who lack a relationship and in those who are young or with few resources (such as a low income or few social contacts). The primary symptoms of dysthymia (which means “bad humored”) include a depressed mood, a feeling of being down in the dumps, and a lack of interest in usual activities for at least two years. People with dysthymia can experience any of the symptoms of major depression, but usually not to the degree that may be found in a full-blown depression. Dysthymic people, though, are vulnerable to moving into a major depression during times of stress or crisis. Dysthymia often leads to a life without much pleasure, and many people with this condition feel that it is simply a part of their personality so that they never seek treatment.

Symptoms of dysthymia include –

• Poor appetite or overeating
• Insomnia (lack of sleep) or hypersomnia (oversleeping)
• Low self-esteem
• Poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Fatigue or low energy

Symptoms Of Major Depression

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Dr. Laura Bokar: Elected to Serve on the Board of Illinois Association for Marriage and Family Therapy

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Illinois Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT) 2017 welcomes Dr. Laura Bokar to serve her first term on the Board of Directors.

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Great Benefits Come From Intimate Communication

Many couples go for months or years without having deep and intimate talks. They live with silence and feel emotionally estranged from the person to whom they have committed themselves. They want the closeness they expected when their relationship began, but they don’t know how to get there. The walls seem too high. They hope that something magical will happen, that suddenly the barriers will come falling down and they will be able to feel close again. Unfortunately, couples seem to be able to endure years of silence, and for many, the turnaround never happens. It takes a realization that the relationship needs work. This means taking an honest look at the state of the relationship and a determination to do something about it.

Layne and Paul Cutright have developed a structured approach to achieving truth and honesty in relationships. In their book, Straight from the Heart, they propose learning how to share intimate communication through having Heart-to-Heart Talks™. They identify four types of processes that make up these talks –

Nurturing Processes – Every relationship needs mutual nurturing. Each partner needs to feel cared about. In this phase of the talks, the partners learn how to say things that lead to mental and emotional wellness. This healing energy allows the relationship to begin to flourish.

Clearing Processes – In order to let go of (or clear) your fears and anxieties, it is neces-sary to talk them through so that you can begin to see new possibilities. It is difficult to see these possibilities when fear prevails. Sharing your fears with another person diminishes their power over you.

Discovery Processes – Talking out loud helps us to achieve a new understanding of a situation. These are things about ourselves that we normally keep hidden, both from others and ourselves. Sharing them with another person allows us to gain new perspectives.

Affirming Processes – Your partner can help you to strengthen your self-esteem and self-respect. Your relationship can become a place where you feel good, whole, and complete.

Great Benefits Come From Intimate Communication

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What Are The Causes of Depression?

Everyone feels sad from time to time. It’s only natural. Most people go through blue days or just periods of feeling down, especially after they experience a loss. But what experts call clinical depression is different from just being “down in the dumps.” The main difference is that the sad or empty mood does not go away after a couple of weeks – and everyday activities like eating, sleeping, socializing, or working can be affected.

Estimates indicate that perhaps one in three (some say one in five) adults in the general population experiences a depressive disorder (e.g., major depression, bipolar disorder, dysthymia, postpartum depression, or seasonal affective disorder) at some point in their lives. In any given year, over one in 20 people will have a depressive episode. For each person suffering directly from depression, three or four times that number (relatives, friends, associates) will also be affected to some degree. It is impossible to obtain exact figures because so many people try to live with this condition without looking for help. Recent studies suggest that this condition is on the rise, especially among single women, women in poverty, single men, and adolescents. National tragedies or natural or environmental disasters can also generate depressive symptoms for large parts of a population.

A depressive disorder can change a person’s moods, thoughts, and feelings. Without appropriate treatment, this condition can go on for a very long time – weeks, months, or years. Even among those suffering from depression, most do not know they have a treatable condition. Most blame themselves or may be blamed by others. This leads to the alienation of family and friends who, if they knew of the illness, would likely offer support and help find effective treatment. Although this is one of our most devastating emotional disorders, treatment can bring relief to over eighty percent of those who experience depression.

Several causes of depression have been identified. For example, the illness has been seen to run in families, suggesting that some people may have a genetic predisposition to depression – and this may show itself particularly during times of stress. However, it is important to note that just because you have a family member with depression, you are not necessarily going to suffer from this condition yourself.

What Are The Causes Of Depression?

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Listening To Your Partner is a Way of Helping Grow Your Relationship

If you want your partner to be honest with you, you have to be a good listener. Communication is a two-way process. A good listener –

• is nonjudgmental and open-minded;
• doesn’t jump to conclusions;
• understands that the truth comes out a little at the time, not all at once;
• doesn’t try to impose his or her personal version of the truth on the speaker;
• doesn’t interrupt and allows the speaker to finish talking before responding;
• helps the speaker clarify what is being said;
• can tolerate different opinions without becoming defensive.

People frequently hear something other than what is being said. We misperceive because of our own life experiences. If we frequently become argumentative or have our feelings hurt during conversations, it is helpful to examine our ability to listen without drawing conclusions prematurely.The way we hear what others say is often more a reflection of us than the other person. True listening involves looking within and developing the ability to hear correctly what the other person is trying to say. When people have heartfelt talks, their intentions are usually good.

The long-term success of any relationship depends on the ability of the two partners to achieve intimacy through their communication. When the two partners feel isolated from each other and blocked in their ability to achieve the closeness they once felt, it is time to work on expressing their innermost thoughts and feelings to each other. This involves a taking deep look within and a commitment to face the fears which have driven them apart. Telling the truth takes practice, and lots of it – first on your own and then with your partner. Looking within and accepting who you are – and then sharing this with your partner – is healing. It is a way to wholeness, both personally and as a couple.

Listening To Your Partner Is A Way of Helping Grow Your Relationship

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Emotional Wellness Matters

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Telling the Truth: A key to a healthy relationship

Truth is difficult for many of us. We all engage in a bit of self-deception in our lives. There are things about ourselves that we have not been able to examine or accept. We have difficulty in admitting our flaws – even to ourselves, much more so to our partners. Sometimes we guard our intimate feelings because we have been hurt in the past when we tried to share them with others, so that trust is a difficult area for us. For example, if you and your partner are feeling unloved and lonely, but you try to cover it up by saying that everything is fine, you will continue to feel isolated. Our commitment to a relationship means that we have decided to open ourselves up to another person, flaws and all. To continue to deceive ourselves with our partner impedes the intimacy of the relationship.

A relationship has the potential to provide a healthy way to come to terms with our issues, both personal and interpersonal. Accepting the truth, and talking about it, can free us of pain and set the stage for a healthier future. When we share our fears within the context of our partner’s loving understanding and acceptance, the fears dissipate. The issues we have been holding on to alone for so long lose their force when they are shared with someone who loves us. Telling the truth can bring down the barriers that isolate us from our partners. It can lead to a new level of self-acceptance and authenticity in our own lives – and this in turn leads to a stronger level of commitment and intimacy in our relationship. The truth can make us whole and set us free.

Here are some guidelines for telling the truth -

• Understand what you intend to do when you communicate. This calls for an honest look at your motivations. If you intend to create healing, clarity, or a deeper sense of intimacy within the relationship, your intention will probably lead to these results. If, on the other hand, you want to make yourself look good and your partner look bad – or if you want to hurt your partner – then distrust will result from the communication.
• Assess how well your partner can handle the truth. There are times when your partner may not be ready to have heartfelt talks. A clue to this is when your partner continually rejects, or is unable to hear, your attempts at increased closeness. If your partner tends to become defensive, if there is a history of fighting when serious issues are discussed, if your partner is unable to honor your personal information and can’t keep a secret, or if there is a history of betrayal – then it might be best to practice telling the truth with another person, not your partner. Then, when you feel comfortable in telling the truth and trusting, it will be time to engage in heartfelt talks with your partner. Some people prefer to start the process alone with a therapist, since they are trained to listen non-judgmentally and are less likely to take things personally.
• Understand your own fears about telling the truth. Communicating on an honest and truthful level makes you vulnerable. You may fear getting hurt or hurting your partner’s feelings. You may feel that you will be misunderstood or that your partner will judge you negatively. Our fears are based on past experiences and reside within us. They are often unrealistic. The higher goal is to communicate truthfully with your partner in order to have a more satisfying relationship, and this means having the courage to confront your fears.
• Accept the fact that your partner does not have to agree with you. Many of us are afraid to have intimate talks with our partners unless they agree with everything we have to say. Unfortunately, this leads not so much to intimacy, which involves a sharing and acceptance of our differences, as it does to control struggles and isolation from our partners. Accept, and even treasure, your partner’s individuality. Two people can be right at the same time in a relationship – it’s just a matter of two different interpretations of the same events. Intimacy occurs between two complete, whole individuals, each of whom honors their partner’s way of looking at the world.

Telling The Truth: A Key To A Healthy Relationship

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