The post Managing the Conflict & Emotions of Divorce Through Therapy appeared first on Fox Valley Institute.
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Sunday, January 22, 2017
Managing the Conflict & Emotions of Divorce Through Therapy
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Wednesday, January 18, 2017
The Reasons Why Girls Bully And Ways To Help Your Teen: The Harsh Realities Of Being A Teenage Girl
Melissa Pasquinelli LCPC, NCC
Almost all girls experience some kind of bullying in their life, whether they were bullied or were the bully. I know that I have been the bully and the victim. My experience was very traumatic at the time. One of my best friends had written me a note. It was very common for my friends and I to pass notes all day at school. Not even aware of her true feelings, I happily opened it assuming the content would be what she was doing this weekend or what boy she liked this week. Unfortunately, it was a letter stating that she did not want to be my friend anymore. However, it wasn’t only her signature it was about five of my friends. A petition telling me that I wasn’t good enough to be their friend anymore. There was no reason why. I rushed away in tears and went to the counselor’s office. Ironically I ran into a peer that I had previously bullied with the girls that had bullied me. She provided me with open arms and I was grateful for her acceptance. I will never forget her acceptance and forgiveness.
So why do teenage girls bully? Usually it’s more about the bully rather than the victim. Bullies are attempting to improve their self-worth by using others as a way to project their feelings. These feelings could be anger, sadness, or even fear. It also can be about social status, need for attention, or even jealousy. The approach girls use to bullying is called relational aggression. It’s much different than boys. Boys will tease and use physical aggression. Although some girls will use violence too; relational aggression is more common and more difficult to detect. It can range from spreading rumors, ostracizing, threats, silent treatment, defending someone for no reason, whispering in front of the person, and gossip (Leff, Waasdorp, Crick, 2010). They will likely involve their peers to gain more power in the situation. Boys will get over it quicker and can move on from it. Girls spend time planning and plotting how to hurt their victim. The emotional damage is much greater which makes it harder for the peers to amend their conflict. Girls who are being bullied likely will experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. Which means as parents we have to be proactive.
How can we help our teen?
Education is key, having conversations with your teen about what is bullying and how to detect it. Share your story, most parents have some type of bullying story, this will validate that they are not alone.
Emotional intelligence is important for every teen. Being connected to their feelings will allow validation, which will usually help the emotion be less overwhelming for the teen. Alternative ways to express yourself. Allow them to express their feelings through writing. This will allow your teen to not internalize their feelings if it is difficult for them to express them verbally. Give your teen a journal to encourage them to write freely about how they feel. Resources: Encourage your teen to utilize their school counselor, group counseling or a private counselor. Having someone to discuss their experiences and ways to manage this type of stress. Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons discussed the girl’s development and the relational aggression culture that is hard for adults to detect. This book allows us to identify what relational aggression is and how we can instill confidence in our teen girls.
Model appropriate behaviors when dealing with conflict. Our children are always watching and learning from us. Instilling confidence in our teens can be challenging however, it is vital, so help them through this by modeling self-esteem.
My experience is a perfect example of relational aggression. After that experience, I was very careful not be involved in bullying and treated my peers with respect. I never wanted to inflict pain on someone like those friends had done on that day. Looking back now I realize that I was better off without those friends. I was able to move on and established relationships that were healthy and accepted me for who I am.
Leff, Stephen S, Waasdorp, Tracy Evian, Crick R. Nikki. A Review of Existing Relational Aggression Program: Strengths, Limitations, & Future direction. School Psych Rev. 2010. 39 (4).
Simmons, Rachel. Odd Girl Out:The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. Harcourt, Incorporated. New York 2002.
So why do teenage girls bully? Usually it’s more about the bully rather than the victim. Bullies are attempting to improve their self-worth by using others as a way to project their feelings. These feelings could be anger, sadness, or even fear. It also can be about social status, need for attention, or even jealousy. The approach girls use to bullying is called relational aggression. It’s much different than boys. Boys will tease and use physical aggression. Although some girls will use violence too; relational aggression is more common and more difficult to detect. It can range from spreading rumors, ostracizing, threats, silent treatment, defending someone for no reason, whispering in front of the person, and gossip (Leff, Waasdorp, Crick, 2010). They will likely involve their peers to gain more power in the situation. Boys will get over it quicker and can move on from it. Girls spend time planning and plotting how to hurt their victim. The emotional damage is much greater which makes it harder for the peers to amend their conflict. Girls who are being bullied likely will experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. Which means as parents we have to be proactive.
How can we help our teen?
Education is key, having conversations with your teen about what is bullying and how to detect it. Share your story, most parents have some type of bullying story, this will validate that they are not alone.
Emotional intelligence is important for every teen. Being connected to their feelings will allow validation, which will usually help the emotion be less overwhelming for the teen. Alternative ways to express yourself. Allow them to express their feelings through writing. This will allow your teen to not internalize their feelings if it is difficult for them to express them verbally. Give your teen a journal to encourage them to write freely about how they feel. Resources: Encourage your teen to utilize their school counselor, group counseling or a private counselor. Having someone to discuss their experiences and ways to manage this type of stress. Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons discussed the girl’s development and the relational aggression culture that is hard for adults to detect. This book allows us to identify what relational aggression is and how we can instill confidence in our teen girls.
Model appropriate behaviors when dealing with conflict. Our children are always watching and learning from us. Instilling confidence in our teens can be challenging however, it is vital, so help them through this by modeling self-esteem.
My experience is a perfect example of relational aggression. After that experience, I was very careful not be involved in bullying and treated my peers with respect. I never wanted to inflict pain on someone like those friends had done on that day. Looking back now I realize that I was better off without those friends. I was able to move on and established relationships that were healthy and accepted me for who I am.
Leff, Stephen S, Waasdorp, Tracy Evian, Crick R. Nikki. A Review of Existing Relational Aggression Program: Strengths, Limitations, & Future direction. School Psych Rev. 2010. 39 (4).
Simmons, Rachel. Odd Girl Out:The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. Harcourt, Incorporated. New York 2002.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Tips to Raise Self-Esteem for Teens
Jenna Fash, MS, LCPC
Self-esteem, or how you feel about yourself, will be challenged during the teenage years. Despite the obstacles of this time period, there is great potential for healthy self-esteem development. Psychologist, Erik Erikson, theorized that there are developmental stages we all face throughout different periods of our life. He states that the teenage developmental period is marked by an evaluation of one’s identity and ultimately a decision will be made about who you are to become as a person. This is no easy task set forth for teenagers to accomplish!
In your pursuit for identity development and self-esteem building, consider the following helpful strategies in getting you started on your journey:
1) Manage your inner critic: pay attention to how you talk to yourself!
Are you kind to yourself? Do you beat yourself up unfairly? Are you your own worst enemy? Try to be kind to yourself and remember that you are growing and changing and trying to figure out who you are! This is not any easy journey and you need encouragement not discouragement. Learn to speak kinder and fairer to yourself. As you learn to find a healthy voice take more opportunities to share your thoughts and feelings, this will help to raise your self-esteem as you begin to feel more assertive. When you struggle with negative self-talk it is also difficult to take in the kind words of other people. Try to practice accepting compliments when you receive them and try to give them more as well.
2) Focus on your successes: how often do you take the opportunity to praise yourself?
Do you spend so much time thinking about your imperfections that you forget to notice the things that are going well? Everyone excels at something different. Focus on your strengths and what you are good at, be careful with comparisons! Once you have identified what you are good at, take time to build those skills and qualities. If you are having trouble figuring out what you are good at, experiment with new things until you find it! Discovery of your own unique skills and attributes, will increase your self-esteem.
3) Meet your need to belong (in a healthy way): being a part of a group is very important!
Your peers and friends are an influential part of your life. Take stock in who you spend most of your time with, are they the best influence for you? Do they bring out the best in you? Not only does it increase self-esteem to feel a sense of belonging, it increases self-esteem when the people you spend time with bring out the best in you. Surround yourself with people you can have fun with, you will feel less pressure in these relationships and be able to relax more.
4) Make a contribution: doing things for others has been shown to raise self-esteem.
Find some time to volunteer or help a classmate. It does not take something grand to ‘give back’ all gestures go a long way. This will naturally help you to build a healthy self-concept.
In your pursuit for identity development and self-esteem building, consider the following helpful strategies in getting you started on your journey:
1) Manage your inner critic: pay attention to how you talk to yourself!
Are you kind to yourself? Do you beat yourself up unfairly? Are you your own worst enemy? Try to be kind to yourself and remember that you are growing and changing and trying to figure out who you are! This is not any easy journey and you need encouragement not discouragement. Learn to speak kinder and fairer to yourself. As you learn to find a healthy voice take more opportunities to share your thoughts and feelings, this will help to raise your self-esteem as you begin to feel more assertive. When you struggle with negative self-talk it is also difficult to take in the kind words of other people. Try to practice accepting compliments when you receive them and try to give them more as well.
2) Focus on your successes: how often do you take the opportunity to praise yourself?
Do you spend so much time thinking about your imperfections that you forget to notice the things that are going well? Everyone excels at something different. Focus on your strengths and what you are good at, be careful with comparisons! Once you have identified what you are good at, take time to build those skills and qualities. If you are having trouble figuring out what you are good at, experiment with new things until you find it! Discovery of your own unique skills and attributes, will increase your self-esteem.
3) Meet your need to belong (in a healthy way): being a part of a group is very important!
Your peers and friends are an influential part of your life. Take stock in who you spend most of your time with, are they the best influence for you? Do they bring out the best in you? Not only does it increase self-esteem to feel a sense of belonging, it increases self-esteem when the people you spend time with bring out the best in you. Surround yourself with people you can have fun with, you will feel less pressure in these relationships and be able to relax more.
4) Make a contribution: doing things for others has been shown to raise self-esteem.
Find some time to volunteer or help a classmate. It does not take something grand to ‘give back’ all gestures go a long way. This will naturally help you to build a healthy self-concept.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Meet Dawn Miskus, MA, LCPC!
The post Meet Dawn Miskus, MA, LCPC! appeared first on Fox Valley Institute.
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Wednesday, January 4, 2017
5 Tips for Blended Families
Suzanne W. Keenon, MA, LCPC
The blended family is very common today.
Forty percent of married couples with children (i.e., families) in the US are stepcouples (at least one partner had a child from a previous relationship before marriage; this includes full and part-time residential stepfamilies and those with children under and/or over the age of 18). The percentage of all married couple households is 35% (Karney, B.R., Garvan, C.W., & Thomas, M.S., 2003)
How do we combat these statistics? We become aware of the myths and the facts, so we can make decisions that will build blended families that will thrive.
The myth is the blended family bonds quickly.
The truth is, it requires an enormous amount of time, an enormous amount of work, and an enormous amount of love and self-sacrifice. The following suggestions will help your two families blend more easily.
1. Form relationships.
Get to know each child before you even start thinking about the discipline aspect of this new relationship. The biological parent should do the disciplining in the beginning. Spend time with each child getting to know their likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, and dreams. Allow them to choose the activity and participate with little criticism or comment. Children respond more quickly when they feel accepted, safe, secure, and loved.
Do not try to be a replacement for their biological parent. Honor the absent parent. They may be grieving this relationship and resent the time you spend with their mother or father. You may be ready for a new relationship but they may not. They were not looking for a new parent, you were.
2. Give them space.
The best move is into a house that is new for both families. There is no new stranger encroaching on anyone’s turf. If this is not possible, give each child their own room if you can. Children need their own space to process and to have some alone time.
Forcing children to room with others who only a short time ago were total strangers is very stressful.
3. One-of- a-kind.
Assist each child as they find where they “fit” in this newly created family. A son, for example, who used to be the oldest may now be the youngest. He may find it difficult adjusting to losing his position in the family structure. Continue to spend time with your biological children that is separate from your new children to remind them how much they are loved.
If you treat all the children as if they were all the same, they will lose their uniqueness and the feeling that they are special.
4. Lower expectations.
Give this process lots and lots of time. Start establishing the relationship with all the children long before you remarry. On average it takes two to four years to establish family history. Do not expect them to immediately love this new parent who is now competing for your time and affection. Many children lose a parent to death or divorce. They may have had to change homes, schools, and churches. Their support system that consisted of their sports team, youth group, or grandparents may be too far away to visit as often. It takes time to adjust to all of these changes that have turned the lives of your children upside down.
5. Make new traditions.
Create experiences that involve all members of the new family. Take some traditions from each family and blend them into new traditions that are unique to the newly formed family. This creates feelings of belonging. Establishing your own traditions communicates to all the children, you are accepted and loved.
Reference:
Karney, B.R., Garvan, C.W., & Thomas, M.S. (2003). Published report by the University of Florida: Family Formation in Florida: 2003 Baseline Survey of Attitudes, Beliefs, and Demographics Relating to Marriage and Family Formation. These findings were replicated in two other state representative samples.
Forty percent of married couples with children (i.e., families) in the US are stepcouples (at least one partner had a child from a previous relationship before marriage; this includes full and part-time residential stepfamilies and those with children under and/or over the age of 18). The percentage of all married couple households is 35% (Karney, B.R., Garvan, C.W., & Thomas, M.S., 2003)
How do we combat these statistics? We become aware of the myths and the facts, so we can make decisions that will build blended families that will thrive.
The myth is the blended family bonds quickly.
The truth is, it requires an enormous amount of time, an enormous amount of work, and an enormous amount of love and self-sacrifice. The following suggestions will help your two families blend more easily.
1. Form relationships.
Get to know each child before you even start thinking about the discipline aspect of this new relationship. The biological parent should do the disciplining in the beginning. Spend time with each child getting to know their likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, and dreams. Allow them to choose the activity and participate with little criticism or comment. Children respond more quickly when they feel accepted, safe, secure, and loved.
Do not try to be a replacement for their biological parent. Honor the absent parent. They may be grieving this relationship and resent the time you spend with their mother or father. You may be ready for a new relationship but they may not. They were not looking for a new parent, you were.
2. Give them space.
The best move is into a house that is new for both families. There is no new stranger encroaching on anyone’s turf. If this is not possible, give each child their own room if you can. Children need their own space to process and to have some alone time.
Forcing children to room with others who only a short time ago were total strangers is very stressful.
3. One-of- a-kind.
Assist each child as they find where they “fit” in this newly created family. A son, for example, who used to be the oldest may now be the youngest. He may find it difficult adjusting to losing his position in the family structure. Continue to spend time with your biological children that is separate from your new children to remind them how much they are loved.
If you treat all the children as if they were all the same, they will lose their uniqueness and the feeling that they are special.
4. Lower expectations.
Give this process lots and lots of time. Start establishing the relationship with all the children long before you remarry. On average it takes two to four years to establish family history. Do not expect them to immediately love this new parent who is now competing for your time and affection. Many children lose a parent to death or divorce. They may have had to change homes, schools, and churches. Their support system that consisted of their sports team, youth group, or grandparents may be too far away to visit as often. It takes time to adjust to all of these changes that have turned the lives of your children upside down.
5. Make new traditions.
Create experiences that involve all members of the new family. Take some traditions from each family and blend them into new traditions that are unique to the newly formed family. This creates feelings of belonging. Establishing your own traditions communicates to all the children, you are accepted and loved.
Reference:
Karney, B.R., Garvan, C.W., & Thomas, M.S. (2003). Published report by the University of Florida: Family Formation in Florida: 2003 Baseline Survey of Attitudes, Beliefs, and Demographics Relating to Marriage and Family Formation. These findings were replicated in two other state representative samples.
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