Countless millions of adults in this country had a parent with a drinking or drug problem. A brief look at some of the history of the last century can clarify this phenomenon. Prohibition was repealed in 1933, and this tended to validate, or at least give some justification for, the consumption of alcohol by the World War II generation. Alcohol was associated with good times and the good life for what is now sometimes called the drinking generation,those folks who lived through WWII, the survivors of whom are now entering the latter stages of the life span. Their children, the Baby Boomers, who are now in middle age, tended to use not only alcohol but drugs as well. And again, they often associated the use of these substances with good times. Unfortunately, and estimates of the numbers involved are vague, a certain proportion of those who use alcohol or drugs become addicted to these substances. Fortunately, within the past decade or two there has been a trend away from the use of alcohol and drugs as a source of pleasure, especially in view of the devastating impact the overuse of these substances can have on the users physical and emotional health, as well as the well-being of their families. It has been estimated that one out of three adults grew up in a dysfunctional household where a major focus was the overuse of these substances by at least one of the parents.
The emotionally available parent is one who can read and validate the moods and needs of the children and who encourages their independence as they grow up. In these healthier households there is a sense of security, consistency and predictability. As the children grow up, they gain a feeling of trust and mastery in the world with the support of the parent.
But what happens in the dysfunctional household where alcohol or drugs dominate the domestic climate? When an adult has formed a dependence on alcohol or drugs, the normal give and-take of everyday life can become disrupted. Rather than working through daily problems and frustrations and modifying behavior to adapt to these problems, there is always the drink or drug at the end of the day. Have a drink and the problem goes away, at least in ones mind. The parent is emotionally unavailable. Thus, the needs of the growing child are often ignored. The drunk or chemically influenced parent can hardly perceive the feelings of the child – and usually places his or her own needs over those of the child. Even if the parent is addicted to a substance but not using it at the time, there is still a tendency, because of how substance abusers approach the world and problems in general, to neglect the child's needs. The healthy option for the chemically-dependent parent is to work on coming to terms with the impact of substance abuse on his or her own life and the life of the family.
People who have grown up in households with alcohol or drug overuse on the part of a parent have some common characteristics. Although people from the general population can display many of these behaviors, people from dysfunctional families tend to have a higher incidence of these traits. Take a look at some of the more common patterns found in people who grew up with an alcohol or drug abusing parent.
TRUST BECOMES DIFFICULT.
In substance abusing families promises are repeatedly forgotten, the parents moods are unpredictable, and celebrations or other family events are canceled. As a result the child learns not to count on others and often feels that others don't care enough to follow through on their commitments. Thus, it becomes difficult for one growing up under these circumstances to form intimate and trusting relationships in adulthood. Personal boundaries are poorly defined and there is a proclivity to become enmeshed with a partners needs and emotions. A solid sense of self and personal identity is missing.
FEELINGS ARE REPRESSED.
Because of the constant pain of disappointment, the child growing up in a dysfunctional family learns to hide feelings. After all, what is the point in hurting so much of the time? When feelings are expressed in the family, they are frequently accompanied by outbursts of anger and are denied the next day, as if they did not happen. Thus the child learns that expressing feelings will have no positive outcome and they are not remembered the next day anyway. The child lacks good role models for expressing feelings appropriately. Growing up in a substance-abusing family leads to difficulty in forming intimate and spontaneous attachments later on in life. This is understandable when one considers that a climate of fear and unpredictability have prevailed in the household. Emotional over-control is the recurrent outcome.
THINGS ARE NOT TALKED ABOUT.
Dysfunctional families sometimes create a myth about how wonderful the family is. They tend to deny that problems exist or that drinking or drugs are tied to these problems. There is no good time to talk about family difficulties. If the parent is drunk or high it is impossible to talk, and when the parent is sober everyone wants to forget. Later in life the person raised in such an environment may lack the verbal and conceptual tools necessary to work through life's normal challenges.
THE CHILD BECOMES EITHER OVERLY RESPONSIBLE OR IRRESPONSIBLE.
Children growing up in the substance abusing family cope by attempting to stabilize their chaotic environments and find ways to minimize conflicts or make the parent feel better. Later on they may become compulsive overachievers, taking pride in these behaviors they learned while growing up. They are the ones who help others, yet harbor anger when others don't do for them to the extent that they do for others. Alternatively, siblings growing up in the same family might become irresponsible, hoping, as they did in childhood, that others might come through and take care of their needs. Regardless of the outcome, when they grow up they avoid looking openly into their own behavior and understanding the effect that it has on themselves and others.
SELF-ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE ARE UNDERMINED.
Children of substance abusers frequently failed to receive consistent support for their ideas and efforts. The needs of the parent usually came first, and a parent under the influence usually lacks the discretion to realize the impact of his or her anger or sarcasm on the child. When they grow up the children doubt their own abilities and feel inferior or falsely superior to others. They doubt their own abilities (and may compensate for this through trying to control the outcome of uncertain events), get angry when things don't go their way, or gossip instead of taking assertive action to confront an issue. In fact, they may feel guilty when they stand up for themselves or otherwise act assertively. They tend to spend their lives giving to others rather than taking care of their own needs, as if their own needs are unimportant.
SELF-CRITICISM IS THE RULE.
Those who grew up in substance-abusing households are known to blame themselves for their parents drinking or drug use. They grow up feeling they cant do anything right, no matter how hard they try. They long for the approval they didn't get growing up, and they judge themselves, and others, without mercy. They bargain with themselves: If I only try this strategy, Ill finally get approval and have success, and I have to do it well.” Thus, they become perfectionists. Furthermore, they will do anything to make people like them, remaining loyal to others even when the loyalty is undeserved. They feel that people who like them will not be critical of them. When others show anger toward them or personally criticize them, as they were perhaps criticized while growing up, they feel anxious and intimidated. After all, they are their own worst secret critics, and to have others engage in repeating the old patterns from childhood dredges up the unpleasant experiences once again. Another common pattern in this respect is fear of authority figures, people who have power which can sometimes be applied capriciously and arbitrarily, as it often was in childhood.
Growing up is difficult enough as it is, but when a child lacks the support of an emotionally available parent, the task can seem arduous – and there are lingering aftereffects which can cloud life in adulthood. Many children growing up in substance abusing families cant wait to leave home, with the notion that they will leave, put the past behind them, and then move on to a happier life. After all, they reason, the past is the past, so shouldn't I just forget it and try to move on? Unfortunately, this strategy usually does not work and leads to more problems. It is during childhood that we learned how to deal with other people, with trust, with intimacy, with our self-image, and with our ability to process our thoughts and emotions. What we learned in childhood in a substance-abusing family perpetuates the old patterns: they fail to meet our adult needs – or the needs of our own children.
Coping in Adulthood with a Legacy of Dysfunction
The first step in coming to terms with an emotionally conflicted childhood is to admit it, and this can be very difficult. We may have learned to use denial as a way of dealing with our parents substance abuse problem, in much the way our parent used denial in dealing with their own use of alcohol or drugs. It may seem that the pain is more easily handled when it is cast out of our minds. But it does not really go away. And the survival patterns we learned in childhood continue to interfere with happier experiences after we have grown up. It takes courage to confront the situation openly and honestly, but the payoff can be life changing. A healthy, functional and satisfying life is possible and attainable.
Another strategy is to learn more about the patterns which characterize adult children of alcoholic or drug-abusing families. There are several good books on this topic. And you are invited to come in for a therapy session to examine these patterns and see just how your childhood is having an effect on the way you live as an adult. You are not alone. Millions of adults grew up under similar circumstances. There are support groups for adult children of alcoholics, and there is AlAnon, a twelve-step program for the families of substance abusers.
An effective way of coming to terms with this problem is through individual therapy. During the therapy process, you learn more about growing up in a substance-abusing household and that there is really no stigma attached to it. You learn about what happened and how it affects your thoughts and feelings today. You come to understand your own behavior much better. And you learn about different strategies for dealing with your loved ones, your friends, and your job. But most of all, you can come to terms with the feelings you have about your parents – and you may at some point learn truly to forgive them. They probably did the best they could and we can love them for that. And finally we learn that we are now responsible, as adults, for our own lives. Our choices are now our own to make.
The Roles Played Within the Substance-Abusing Family
People who grew up with a parent who had a substance abuse problem often wonder how their brothers and sisters turned out to be so different. After all, everyone grew up in the same household, so why aren't all the siblings alike? In all families, substance abusing or not, brothers and sisters need to claim their own unique identities. We need to find ways that we are not like others in the family, and this helps us to form our own identities and sense of self. In the alcoholic or drug-abusing family each sibling finds his or her own unique way of coping with the conflicts. Claudia Black, an expert on adult children of alcoholics, and others have identified different roles that can emerge among siblings, each of whom tries to make sense of the chaos.
THE HERO. These children try to make sure that the family appears normal to the rest of the world. They develop a strong sense of responsibility and project an image of competence and achievement. This is often the first-born child, but not always. They learn as children that someone has to be responsible for the family, and if the parents are inducing chaos, it is up to the "hero" to provide stability. These people often grow up to be academically or professionally successful, although they often deny their own feelings and may feel like imposters.
THE ADJUSTER. In order to cope with the conflicts within the family, these people adjust – but often in inappropriate ways. They often become invisible and avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat. They learn never to plan or to expect anything, and they deal with conflict by avoiding it. In adulthood "adjusters” may feel that their lives are out of control and that they are drifting meaninglessly.
THE PLACATER. These siblings are the ones who learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They develop a good ability to read the feelings of others, but at the expense of their own feelings. They tend to go into care-taking professions later in life, even though this may reinforce their tendency to ignore their own feelings.
THE SCAPEGOAT. These are the children who become known as the family problem. They have a tendency to get into trouble, including alcohol and drug abuse, as a way of expressing their anger at the family. They serve as the "pressure valve” in the family: when tension builds, they misbehave as a way of relieving pressure while allowing the family to avoid dealing with the parents drinking problem. When they grow up, they tend to be unaware of feelings other than anger.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
What are Needs? Understand Them to Meet Them!
A topic that gets presented quite often in therapy is the concept of needs. When I ask some one to explain how they are getting their needs met I am often met with confusion. So I propose starting at the beginning, what is a need? With a working knowledge of what a need is, you can than go on to explore which needs are being met and, for those that are not, how to meet them.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow first proposed what he called “A Hierarchy of Needs” in 1943 and subsequently published his theory in 1953 in his book entitled Motivation and Personality.
Maslow's Needs
Maslow proposes that you must satisfy your most basic needs (starting at the bottom of the pyramid) before you will go on to meet your higher order needs. Maslow also suggests that unmet needs will result in anxiety and tension.
Physiological Needs
Are the physical needs we require to survive- air, water, food, sleep, clothing and shelter. These are the most important needs and should be met first.
Safety Needs
Are physical and financial security, health and well-being and a safety net against accidents and illness. Although these needs are mostly seen in children they can be seen across the lifespan. Steps you can take to meet this needs include, providing a safe living environment for yourself and your family, maintain employment and budget your finances and take care your health, to name a few.
Love and Belonging
Is an interpersonal need involving closeness and feelings with others. This need tends to be strongest in childhood but can also been seen unmet across the lifespan. Humans have a strong desire to belong to a group, large (teams or organizations for example) or small (spouse or best friend for example). Unmet needs at this level can result in loneliness, depression or anxiety.
Esteem
Is the need to feel valued and respected by self and others. Maslow proposed to degrees to esteem, (1) low level esteem is the need for respect from others and (2) high level esteem is the need for self-respect. High level esteem can be achieved through confidence, independence and inner competence. Unmet needs at this level can result in weakness or helplessness.
Self Actualization
Is the identification and realization of your full potential. At this level, one is ‘the best that they can be.’ This can pertain to a life role, career, hobby or activity for example. Maslow said, that in order to understand this level, one must master the previous levels.
You can use Maslow’s theory as a framework to start understanding your own needs. Start from the bottom and work your way up. You will feel motivation to reach new levels as you master the previous one. Which needs are being met? Which needs are not being met and how can you get there? It is okay to seek out extra help to get to where you need to be!
Psychologist Abraham Maslow first proposed what he called “A Hierarchy of Needs” in 1943 and subsequently published his theory in 1953 in his book entitled Motivation and Personality.
Maslow's Needs
Maslow proposes that you must satisfy your most basic needs (starting at the bottom of the pyramid) before you will go on to meet your higher order needs. Maslow also suggests that unmet needs will result in anxiety and tension.
Physiological Needs
Are the physical needs we require to survive- air, water, food, sleep, clothing and shelter. These are the most important needs and should be met first.
Safety Needs
Are physical and financial security, health and well-being and a safety net against accidents and illness. Although these needs are mostly seen in children they can be seen across the lifespan. Steps you can take to meet this needs include, providing a safe living environment for yourself and your family, maintain employment and budget your finances and take care your health, to name a few.
Love and Belonging
Is an interpersonal need involving closeness and feelings with others. This need tends to be strongest in childhood but can also been seen unmet across the lifespan. Humans have a strong desire to belong to a group, large (teams or organizations for example) or small (spouse or best friend for example). Unmet needs at this level can result in loneliness, depression or anxiety.
Esteem
Is the need to feel valued and respected by self and others. Maslow proposed to degrees to esteem, (1) low level esteem is the need for respect from others and (2) high level esteem is the need for self-respect. High level esteem can be achieved through confidence, independence and inner competence. Unmet needs at this level can result in weakness or helplessness.
Self Actualization
Is the identification and realization of your full potential. At this level, one is ‘the best that they can be.’ This can pertain to a life role, career, hobby or activity for example. Maslow said, that in order to understand this level, one must master the previous levels.
You can use Maslow’s theory as a framework to start understanding your own needs. Start from the bottom and work your way up. You will feel motivation to reach new levels as you master the previous one. Which needs are being met? Which needs are not being met and how can you get there? It is okay to seek out extra help to get to where you need to be!
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Enhancing Your Emotionally Committed Relationship
"To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock." -Carl Jung
Emotionally committed relationships bring excitement and passion into our lives, especially when they are new. Over time, however, we come across roadblocks based in personal issues that can distance us from our partners. When we first enter into a committed relationship, we may think that we have found the answer to lifes problems, that we have a partner to share in daily turmoil, that we will never be alone again, that it will be smooth sailing from here on out. If we base relationships on these assumptions, however, we may be sorely disappointed when our partners fail to live up to these expectations. There is a strong probability that if we look to another person to provide fulfillment, we will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of our own disappointment. This pattern is the reason for a great deal of discord in committed relationships. Many people who come in for relationship therapy actually hope that the therapy will change their partner because they are convinced that the partner is the source of the problem.
Overtime many relationships enter a stage where the partners feel distanced from each other. The initial passion, sexual freedom, intimacy, and feelings of connectedness with the partner fade. Either person may begin to feel that, although they love their partner, they are no longer "in love." At the same time, both partners may feel that they have lost themselves in the relationship. They have given so much to the relationship in terms of their time, their energies, and their emotions that they have lost what made them feel unique as individuals. They have abandoned old friendships, hobbies, and activities that brought interest and excitement to their own lives in order to devote time and energy to the relationship. When a feeling of distance comes to define the relationship, resentment toward the partner may emerge.
How does a relationship, which may have once such promise, end up in a place where the two partners feel distant and may not even like each other very much (even though they feel that love is still there)? The answer lies within. Two people who come together in an emotional commitment carry with them a legacy of their own fears, anxieties and unresolved problems. It is sometimes uncomfortable for us to come to terms with our own baggage. It is, in fact, so troublesome that we are unable to look within ourselves. When that happens, we tend to attribute the problem to our partners, a process called projection. Rather than accepting the fact that our partners are just being themselves and probably have the best of intentions, we define the source of our own anxiety as lying within the other person. When we feel uncomfortable about something our partners say or do, we may not realize that our discomfort may derive from a source that we have not examined within ourselves – like our own control issues, our jealousy, our insecurity, or our fear of dependence or independence. Our partners may simply be triggering our own unresolved difficulties. The clue is to search within our own lives to see why we have difficulty with these issues. And this is no small task. To become acquainted with oneself is indeed a terrible shock.
The Course of a Relationship
Relationships mature over time. The initial attraction be physical, and this may carry the relationship for some time to the point of making an emotional commitment. Then the excitement and promise of sharing our life with another person can lead to a stage of heightened expectations where we ignore or minimize the discomfort that we may feel from time to time in the relationship. But this stage comes to an end and we finally express our frustration. "Why are you always telling me what to do" "Cant you give me any time to myself" "Don't you know who I am" "Why don't you shower me with love like you used to" Notice in these examples that blame is cast on the other person. The one hurling the blame does not look within (for example, I have difficulty because of my own issues when someone tells me what to do"). This is a particularly vulnerable stage in the course of an emotionally committed relationship, and can serve as a make or break challenge. It is at this stage that an equilibrium – or, more accurately, a standoff – is reached by the two partners. "I won't challenge you and you won't challenge me, and well just accept the fact that we will be distant from each other." In contrast, healthier relationships move into a different and more mature stage – where both partners look within to find the source of their own anxiety, find ways to Soothe themselves without trying to change the other person, and learn to accept and love the other person despite their frustrating quirks. When this occurs, and when the distance between the partners has been resolved, the genuine excitement and passion of the relationship can continue to flourish – this time in a mature, accepting, and integrated manner.
Differentiation
David Schnarch, Ph.D., the author of Passionate Marriage, suggests that in order to grow within an emotionally committed relationship, we must experience the process of differentiation." This means holding onto yourself within a relationship, staying true to what you want out of life while sharing your life with a partner. Differentiation allows us to break free from the negative processes that happen between partners in any relationship. It allows us to take a time out from arguments in order to comfort ourselves. It leads to self-control, which means that we can stop trying to control our partners. The differentiated partner is able to soothe him- or herself rather than pressuring the other person to change in order to make the first one feel better. Paradoxically, when partners differentiate, they actually have the ability to achieve more intimacy, while undifferentiated partners can stay locked in their emotional standoff. And when one partner differentiates, it upsets the old equilibrium that had developed so that the other partner is prompted to make changes as well. In short, a healthy relationship is one in which two people, each of whom has a firm sense of self, come together and celebrate both their differences and their similarities.
Schnarch identifies several activities that happen when a person differentiates.
- Maintaining a clear sense of who you are within the relationship. Your partner was probably originally attracted to you because of the strength of your unique qualities. Both of you knew what you valued and believed in. Over time, because we accommodate ourselves to both our own and our partners more immature qualities and unresolved issues, we lose our sense of uniqueness. We compromise ourselves with the goal of smoothing out conflicts and fail to realize that we are losing our sense of self in the process. We may find that we have lost those qualities that were once so attractive to our partner. Differentiation involves looking within, gaining a firm definition of who we are, and celebrating our uniqueness.
- Maintaining a sense of perspective. We need to accept the fact that we all have anxieties and other shortcomings. This is part of the human condition. The mature person, however, understands that these frailties need not determine our behavior. Our limits should neither incapacitate nor drive us. When we honestly accept this fact both in ourselves and in our partners, we can take a more balanced approach in dealing with each others limitations. The peaks and valleys of crises can be smoothed out. The blaming can come to an end, replaced by acceptance and love for the other person.
- Committing to a willingness to engage in self-confrontation. Looking within is difficult, but it is a necessary step both in our own life development and in helping our relationships to grow to new levels. Self-confrontation means coming to terms with our own fears, anxieties, and insecurities, a process that may be aided by professional psychotherapy. It may mean accepting the criticisms of our partners as valuable feedback about where our insecurities lie. Self-examination can focus on understanding how and why we manipulate others, undermine our own effectiveness, take a selfish approach at times (or, alternatively, give to others and never to ourselves), and work against our own best interests. We need to understand why we avoid ourselves, and then we need to make an honest commitment to enter into a path of honesty and integrity.
- Acknowledging our projections and distortions of reality that protect us from ourselves. We need to understand why we blame others, especially our emotionally committed partners, rather than acknowledging our own participation in interpersonal conflicts. This involves admitting when we are wrong. We should not expect that our partners will do likewise. Taking an honest approach toward our own lives is a tough, but rewarding, journey into personal integrity. When we embark on the trip, our partners, who are no longer feeling blamed and know that the old emotional standoffs have been eliminated, will often decide to begin their own excursions into self-growth.
- Learning to tolerate the pain involved in self-exploration. Dealing with emotional pain is a talent, which can be learned. In childhood many of us learned unhealthy ways of handling discomfort, often because we lacked supportive role modeling from our parents or other adults that would have taught us how to deal with pain in a healthier way. We may have learned to blame our parents when we faced lifes difficulties, and then we carry this blaming behavior into our committed relationships in adulthood. Avoiding pain is the reason many adults indulge in substance abuse or other addictive behaviors such as gambling, inordinate spending, or watching too much television. The healthier option is to make the adult commitment to explore the pain and its sources – and to find ways to make self-growth a friend rather than something to avoid. When we learn to cope with our own pain, we no longer need to manipulate our partners into making us feel better. And when this happens, the magic can re-enter our relationships.
Learn to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflict
We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. The distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship. Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people to learn the art of self-soothing.
- Don't take your partner's behavior personally.
Even if your partner doesn't make all the changes that you've made, it should not be taken personally. If you and and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques . Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body.
- Put the current conflict into perspective .
Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future - and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances.
- Control your behavior, even if you can't regulate your emotions.
While we may have difficulty in controlling our emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, we can have control over our behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. Tell yourself: "I don't have to take action on my feelings."
- Stop the negative thinking.
Our thoughts drive our feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening and then calm down.
- You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down.
When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with yourself again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space for each other.
- Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression.
You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.
Emotionally committed relationships bring excitement and passion into our lives, especially when they are new. Over time, however, we come across roadblocks based in personal issues that can distance us from our partners. When we first enter into a committed relationship, we may think that we have found the answer to lifes problems, that we have a partner to share in daily turmoil, that we will never be alone again, that it will be smooth sailing from here on out. If we base relationships on these assumptions, however, we may be sorely disappointed when our partners fail to live up to these expectations. There is a strong probability that if we look to another person to provide fulfillment, we will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of our own disappointment. This pattern is the reason for a great deal of discord in committed relationships. Many people who come in for relationship therapy actually hope that the therapy will change their partner because they are convinced that the partner is the source of the problem.
Overtime many relationships enter a stage where the partners feel distanced from each other. The initial passion, sexual freedom, intimacy, and feelings of connectedness with the partner fade. Either person may begin to feel that, although they love their partner, they are no longer "in love." At the same time, both partners may feel that they have lost themselves in the relationship. They have given so much to the relationship in terms of their time, their energies, and their emotions that they have lost what made them feel unique as individuals. They have abandoned old friendships, hobbies, and activities that brought interest and excitement to their own lives in order to devote time and energy to the relationship. When a feeling of distance comes to define the relationship, resentment toward the partner may emerge.
How does a relationship, which may have once such promise, end up in a place where the two partners feel distant and may not even like each other very much (even though they feel that love is still there)? The answer lies within. Two people who come together in an emotional commitment carry with them a legacy of their own fears, anxieties and unresolved problems. It is sometimes uncomfortable for us to come to terms with our own baggage. It is, in fact, so troublesome that we are unable to look within ourselves. When that happens, we tend to attribute the problem to our partners, a process called projection. Rather than accepting the fact that our partners are just being themselves and probably have the best of intentions, we define the source of our own anxiety as lying within the other person. When we feel uncomfortable about something our partners say or do, we may not realize that our discomfort may derive from a source that we have not examined within ourselves – like our own control issues, our jealousy, our insecurity, or our fear of dependence or independence. Our partners may simply be triggering our own unresolved difficulties. The clue is to search within our own lives to see why we have difficulty with these issues. And this is no small task. To become acquainted with oneself is indeed a terrible shock.
The Course of a Relationship
Relationships mature over time. The initial attraction be physical, and this may carry the relationship for some time to the point of making an emotional commitment. Then the excitement and promise of sharing our life with another person can lead to a stage of heightened expectations where we ignore or minimize the discomfort that we may feel from time to time in the relationship. But this stage comes to an end and we finally express our frustration. "Why are you always telling me what to do" "Cant you give me any time to myself" "Don't you know who I am" "Why don't you shower me with love like you used to" Notice in these examples that blame is cast on the other person. The one hurling the blame does not look within (for example, I have difficulty because of my own issues when someone tells me what to do"). This is a particularly vulnerable stage in the course of an emotionally committed relationship, and can serve as a make or break challenge. It is at this stage that an equilibrium – or, more accurately, a standoff – is reached by the two partners. "I won't challenge you and you won't challenge me, and well just accept the fact that we will be distant from each other." In contrast, healthier relationships move into a different and more mature stage – where both partners look within to find the source of their own anxiety, find ways to Soothe themselves without trying to change the other person, and learn to accept and love the other person despite their frustrating quirks. When this occurs, and when the distance between the partners has been resolved, the genuine excitement and passion of the relationship can continue to flourish – this time in a mature, accepting, and integrated manner.
Differentiation
David Schnarch, Ph.D., the author of Passionate Marriage, suggests that in order to grow within an emotionally committed relationship, we must experience the process of differentiation." This means holding onto yourself within a relationship, staying true to what you want out of life while sharing your life with a partner. Differentiation allows us to break free from the negative processes that happen between partners in any relationship. It allows us to take a time out from arguments in order to comfort ourselves. It leads to self-control, which means that we can stop trying to control our partners. The differentiated partner is able to soothe him- or herself rather than pressuring the other person to change in order to make the first one feel better. Paradoxically, when partners differentiate, they actually have the ability to achieve more intimacy, while undifferentiated partners can stay locked in their emotional standoff. And when one partner differentiates, it upsets the old equilibrium that had developed so that the other partner is prompted to make changes as well. In short, a healthy relationship is one in which two people, each of whom has a firm sense of self, come together and celebrate both their differences and their similarities.
Schnarch identifies several activities that happen when a person differentiates.
- Maintaining a clear sense of who you are within the relationship. Your partner was probably originally attracted to you because of the strength of your unique qualities. Both of you knew what you valued and believed in. Over time, because we accommodate ourselves to both our own and our partners more immature qualities and unresolved issues, we lose our sense of uniqueness. We compromise ourselves with the goal of smoothing out conflicts and fail to realize that we are losing our sense of self in the process. We may find that we have lost those qualities that were once so attractive to our partner. Differentiation involves looking within, gaining a firm definition of who we are, and celebrating our uniqueness.
- Maintaining a sense of perspective. We need to accept the fact that we all have anxieties and other shortcomings. This is part of the human condition. The mature person, however, understands that these frailties need not determine our behavior. Our limits should neither incapacitate nor drive us. When we honestly accept this fact both in ourselves and in our partners, we can take a more balanced approach in dealing with each others limitations. The peaks and valleys of crises can be smoothed out. The blaming can come to an end, replaced by acceptance and love for the other person.
- Committing to a willingness to engage in self-confrontation. Looking within is difficult, but it is a necessary step both in our own life development and in helping our relationships to grow to new levels. Self-confrontation means coming to terms with our own fears, anxieties, and insecurities, a process that may be aided by professional psychotherapy. It may mean accepting the criticisms of our partners as valuable feedback about where our insecurities lie. Self-examination can focus on understanding how and why we manipulate others, undermine our own effectiveness, take a selfish approach at times (or, alternatively, give to others and never to ourselves), and work against our own best interests. We need to understand why we avoid ourselves, and then we need to make an honest commitment to enter into a path of honesty and integrity.
- Acknowledging our projections and distortions of reality that protect us from ourselves. We need to understand why we blame others, especially our emotionally committed partners, rather than acknowledging our own participation in interpersonal conflicts. This involves admitting when we are wrong. We should not expect that our partners will do likewise. Taking an honest approach toward our own lives is a tough, but rewarding, journey into personal integrity. When we embark on the trip, our partners, who are no longer feeling blamed and know that the old emotional standoffs have been eliminated, will often decide to begin their own excursions into self-growth.
- Learning to tolerate the pain involved in self-exploration. Dealing with emotional pain is a talent, which can be learned. In childhood many of us learned unhealthy ways of handling discomfort, often because we lacked supportive role modeling from our parents or other adults that would have taught us how to deal with pain in a healthier way. We may have learned to blame our parents when we faced lifes difficulties, and then we carry this blaming behavior into our committed relationships in adulthood. Avoiding pain is the reason many adults indulge in substance abuse or other addictive behaviors such as gambling, inordinate spending, or watching too much television. The healthier option is to make the adult commitment to explore the pain and its sources – and to find ways to make self-growth a friend rather than something to avoid. When we learn to cope with our own pain, we no longer need to manipulate our partners into making us feel better. And when this happens, the magic can re-enter our relationships.
Learn to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflict
We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. The distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship. Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people to learn the art of self-soothing.
- Don't take your partner's behavior personally.
Even if your partner doesn't make all the changes that you've made, it should not be taken personally. If you and and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques . Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body.
- Put the current conflict into perspective .
Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future - and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances.
- Control your behavior, even if you can't regulate your emotions.
While we may have difficulty in controlling our emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, we can have control over our behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. Tell yourself: "I don't have to take action on my feelings."
- Stop the negative thinking.
Our thoughts drive our feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening and then calm down.
- You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down.
When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with yourself again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space for each other.
- Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression.
You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.
Monday, July 20, 2015
The Truth on Being in Love
As humans we naturally crave connection with others. For many reasons, some biological and cultural in nature, we believe that we need love to be truly fulfilled. Love does not exist in an unchanging state. We need to constantly work at it and it requires a certain amount of selflessness and vulnerability.
According to Dr. Melanie Greenberg, the following are 10 science-based facts that help to explain ‘what love really is and is not.’
(1) Love is different from passion or lust
An emotional love is different from lust. According to brain studies, love lights up the regions of our brain associated with caring and empathy where as lust lights up the regions associated with motivation and reward.
(2) Love is both a momentary feeling and long-term state of mind
Love can be momentary in the sense the we can feel so united with our partner that we can mirror each other. Love can be a long-lasting mental and emotional state as well. This occurs when you care so deeply for your partner that you experience a deep level of empathy for their emotions.
(3) Building lasting relationships takes work
Studies show that partners with lasting love support each other’s personal growth, take on shared experiences together in an effort to grow and think positively of each other when not together.
(4) We can increase our capacity to love
According to research, our brains are capable of learning to form a secure attachment pattern. The consistent practice of mindfulness and self-compassion meditations allow our brains to connect better with empathy and positive emotions while decreasing activation of fear.
(5) It is not just in your head
Research indicates that loving relationships can improve long-term physical health. Isolation has been shown to shorten our life span.
(6) If we focus on love, we can enhance it
Many of us both like to give and receive; mutuality in a relationship is essential. If you focus your attention on mutual appreciate and happiness towards your loved ones it can create positive feelings not only for you but for your partner as well.
(7) It is not a fixed quantity
Your capacity to love can grow within yourself. The satisfaction you receive from intensely loving one person can prove motivating to be more loving towards others as well. You are not limited to showing love to only one person.
(8) It is not unconditional
When you connect lovingly with another person your brain turns off your automatic ‘fight or flight’ response. Individuals who have experienced trauma have a more difficult time ‘flipping off this switch.’ Although this can prove to be barrier to loving others it can be overcome through the work of therapy.
(9) It is contagious
Seeing others engage in loving, caring and meaningful behaviors can be inspiring.
(10) Love is not necessarily forever, but it can be
Just as the self is constantly changing and evolving so is love. That is not to say that love cannot remain fixed, it is just not as common.
According to Dr. Melanie Greenberg, the following are 10 science-based facts that help to explain ‘what love really is and is not.’
(1) Love is different from passion or lust
An emotional love is different from lust. According to brain studies, love lights up the regions of our brain associated with caring and empathy where as lust lights up the regions associated with motivation and reward.
(2) Love is both a momentary feeling and long-term state of mind
Love can be momentary in the sense the we can feel so united with our partner that we can mirror each other. Love can be a long-lasting mental and emotional state as well. This occurs when you care so deeply for your partner that you experience a deep level of empathy for their emotions.
(3) Building lasting relationships takes work
Studies show that partners with lasting love support each other’s personal growth, take on shared experiences together in an effort to grow and think positively of each other when not together.
(4) We can increase our capacity to love
According to research, our brains are capable of learning to form a secure attachment pattern. The consistent practice of mindfulness and self-compassion meditations allow our brains to connect better with empathy and positive emotions while decreasing activation of fear.
(5) It is not just in your head
Research indicates that loving relationships can improve long-term physical health. Isolation has been shown to shorten our life span.
(6) If we focus on love, we can enhance it
Many of us both like to give and receive; mutuality in a relationship is essential. If you focus your attention on mutual appreciate and happiness towards your loved ones it can create positive feelings not only for you but for your partner as well.
(7) It is not a fixed quantity
Your capacity to love can grow within yourself. The satisfaction you receive from intensely loving one person can prove motivating to be more loving towards others as well. You are not limited to showing love to only one person.
(8) It is not unconditional
When you connect lovingly with another person your brain turns off your automatic ‘fight or flight’ response. Individuals who have experienced trauma have a more difficult time ‘flipping off this switch.’ Although this can prove to be barrier to loving others it can be overcome through the work of therapy.
(9) It is contagious
Seeing others engage in loving, caring and meaningful behaviors can be inspiring.
(10) Love is not necessarily forever, but it can be
Just as the self is constantly changing and evolving so is love. That is not to say that love cannot remain fixed, it is just not as common.
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