Drug and Alcohol Use Warning Signs

Jenny Wagner, LCPC, CADC

Many of the parents I have worked with over the years have all said the same thing, “I should have known! I thought something was off.” Substance abuse can often appear to be other things; stress, depression, anxiety, bullying.

Teenagers who are using drugs and alcohol will do whatever it takes to keep being able to drink or use drugs. There may be an increase in secretive behaviors such as lying, manipulating, and hiding which allows them to continue their drug use. They could be putting locks on their social media or phone devices so parents can not gain access not due to privacy. They may be keeping their bedrooms off limits so their parents are unable to find things within them and use the excuse of privacy.

Since mood swings and unpredictable behavior are frequent occurrences for teenagers, parents may find it difficult to spot signs of alcohol and drug abuse or mistake it for something else. If you notice any of the warning signs below ask your teenager if they are using drugs or alcohol. It’s important to be supportive vs. accusing during this time. If you still have concerns that your teenager may be using, give them a drug test. If they refuse you can bring them into the doctor’s office for a drug test administered by a doctor. Most drugs do not stay in the system for over 72 hours except marijuana which can last up to 30 days if used daily.

If someone is recently sober a relapse may look similar to drug abuse. A relapse usually starts before the actual use of the drug or alcohol. The first changes occur within the teenagers thinking. If addictive thinking creeps back in behavioral changes are next to come. Parents may see old using behaviors come back such as lying, secretive behaviors, and manipulation. There are physical, behavioral, and psychological symptoms that parents can look for to determine if their child may be using drugs or alcohol or has had a relapse.

Physical Symptoms:

• Sweating
• Pale color with dark circles under their eyes
• A decrease in personal grooming
• Eyes that are bloodshot
• Change in pupil size
• Sudden weight change loss or gain
• Impaired coordination, injuries, accidents or bruises
• Unusual smells on breath, body, or clothing
• Shakes, tremors, incoherent or slurred speech
  

Behavioral Symptoms:

• Getting in trouble at school, skipping class, drop in grades
• Hostile and uncooperative; frequently breaks the rules
• Decreased motivation to do school work or chores
• Relationships with family members have deteriorated
• Hanging around with a new group of friends
• Grades have slipped, and his or her school attendance is irregular
• Lost interest in hobbies, sports, and other favorite activities
• Eating or sleeping patterns have changed; he or she is up at night and sleeps during the day
• Has a hard time concentrating or listening
• Preoccupation with alcohol and drug-related lifestyle in music, clothing and paraphernalia
• Missing money, valuables, prescription or non prescription drugs, borrowing and stealing money
• Having large amounts of money on them without a job
• Acting isolated, silent, withdrawn, engaging in secretive or suspicious behaviors
  

Psychological Symptoms:

• Unexplained, confusing change in personality and/or attitude
• Sudden mood changes, irritability, angry outbursts, or rage
• Periods of unusual hyperactivity
• Agitation or aggression
• Lack of motivation; inability to focus, appears lethargic or “spaced out”
• Appears fearful, anxious, or paranoid, for no reason
• Increase in depressive symptoms

If you are noticing any of the symptoms above there are other things to consider. If you have been noticing missing money from your purse or wallet or items missing from the house. Parents should be searching their teenager’s room if they have suspicions they may be using drugs or alcohol. Parents should also search the house for drug paraphernalia such as pipes, bags of seeds, rolling papers, empty bottles in the bedroom, cold medication boxes, baggies of pills etc as these items are sometimes hidden even outside the house in the yard or garage. Some parents will say after the fact I kept having to buy new whip cream or other inhalants but didn’t understand why it kept running out. Or they thought they had left over medication from a surgery or cold medicine in the cabinet but now it’s missing. Individually these incidents could be ignored but together they can show signs of a larger problem.

Teenagers will often use excuses when parents question their motives or whereabouts to throw them off. Some of the most commonly used excuses are listed below.

Excuses Teenagers Use to Avoid Accountability:

• The drug test is wrong.
• I was keeping/holding it for a friend.
• A drink got spilled on me.
• I just had one drink – I didn't know it had alcohol in it.
• That smell is my new perfume / incense /air freshener.
• I was in a car where others were smoking not me.
• All my friends are doing it, it’s normal.
• It's only alcohol – at least I don't do drugs.
• It's only marijuana – at least I don't do heroin.
• I just tried it once and I'll never do it again.
• It's normal to experiment when you're a teenager.
• My eyes are bothering me. I probably have allergies.
• I'm just tired.
• At least I don't drink and drive. I’m being responsible.
• My friends are allowed to do this why can’t I?
• I’m doing better than all of my friends.
• It's not like when you were young – it's a different time.

Parent’s it’s important to be vigilant and hold your children accountable. Heavier drug use and addictions begin with alcohol and marijuana use. If you suspect something may be going on follow you gut and gather more information.

TEDxNaperville 2016 – Dr. Laura Bokar

Fox Valley Institute - Counseling and Psychiatry for Marriage, Teen, Family, Depression, Anxiety - Therapy and Psychological Testing - Located in Naperville IL

Dr. Laura Bokar helped 2016 TEDxNaperville attendees use their own personal superpowers to help others achieve something they’ve always wanted to do.

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Using Thought Defusion to Cope with Teenage Anxiety

Erin O’Donohue, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist at Fox Valley Institute

Being a teenager isn’t easy. Self-consciousness seems to bring attention to your inadequacies and it can feel that everyone is aware of them. Now more than ever, there is 24/7 access to social media and the potential to compare yourself unfavorably to others. It is hard to escape the beliefs you’re not good enough. Who you should be and how you should live your life is a constant struggle. Thinking about the future and worrying about the unknown can lead to anxiety. Thoughts can be both productive and unproductive. They can be based on fact or fiction. Thoughts are ways of understanding your world, yet can oftentimes be based on perceptions and judgements that aren’t grounded in reality. Thoughts are words and images that typically focus on the past or the future, and neglect the present moment. When you buy into your thoughts and get hooked, this is known as thought fusion.

This can be helpful when the thoughts are directing you towards a more meaningful and purposeful existence, yet when the thoughts are claiming you’re a failure or you’re incompetent, this judgement can impact your self-esteem. When you learn to defuse from painful and unpleasant thoughts, they will become less overwhelming and disturbing, and have less influence over your actions. For example, it can be more productive if you are able to put some space between you and the thought, i.e. say to yourself, “I’m having a thought I’m a failure”, and recognizing thoughts for what they are. For one you are accepting you are having the thought and you aren’t trying to ignore or push it away, and two you are allowing the thought to come and go without fusing and over identifying with the thought. Realizing a thought is a string of words and allowing it be present without criticizing yourself or struggling with the thought, will allow the thoughts to come and go more freely.

Another technique to assist with thought defusion is the use of imagery. Imagine yourself standing by the ocean. Now see the thought you are having etched into the sand without judging yourself. Visualize a wave coming up and washing away your thought. See the next thought you have written into the sand, and without getting stuck on the thought see the next wave erase the thought. Continue doing this exercise for five minutes and practice daily. The more you practice thought defusion skills, the easier it will be to initiate these strategies when flooded with a wave of emotion or when preoccupied with unproductive thoughts.

Survivors of Suicide

Jennifer K. Logston, MSW, LCSW

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Each year nearly 43,000 people die by suicide and for every person who dies, 25 others have attempted to take their own lives. Despite these staggering figures, suicide is still something that people don’t want to think about and try desperately to avoid talking about except in a flippant way. There is a stigma around mental illness and suicide that impacts the access to help, as well as the healing of survivors of suicide loss. Well meaning people say things all the time, in ignorance, that perpetuate the stigma; “I can’t believe how selfish he was. She was nuts. They took the easy way out.” These statements may express the feelings of anger, resentment and confusion that are a part of processing suicide death, but when they are held on to or perpetuated as beliefs about suicide in general, they create a barrier to healing for those struggling with suicidal thoughts, as well as those dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide.

Suicide is different from other deaths. Many of the feelings that others who have lost loved ones have are there; anger, sadness, despair. But shame, guilt and isolation are so much more prominent for survivors of suicide loss. Grieving the death of a loved one who took their own life is often shrouded in stigma and silenced by shame. Survivors struggle to understand, to find ways to explain what happened and are frequently tormented by the “what ifs and if onlys”.  Survivors want comfort and not more questions. Often well meaning, the questions about what happened only serve to trigger the shame and guilt and remind us of all the unanswerable questions we have about the death as well. In our attempts to manage our own pain, it is a struggle for many survivors to acknowledge to others that the death of their loved one was a suicide.

With any loss, we go through phases of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and eventually Acceptance. Much of this is the same no matter the type of loss. But anger, a normal part of the grieving process, is complicated in suicide bereavement. It is normal for survivors to experience anger at that which caused the death; cancer, a drunk driver or some other senseless tragedy. With suicide, our anger at the cause is frequently anger with the person we have lost. This is a confusing and heart wrenching experience that can complicate the healing process. Acceptance is further complicated by the societal stigma of mental illness in general. If we can’t talk about the loss, fearing judgment or shame, it makes it very hard to progress through the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

For all these reasons, support groups specifically for survivors of suicide loss are so important. Having a place where survivors can openly discuss what happened is essential for many people. Knowing that there are others that have a shared experience and that there will be understanding and compassion for them and for the loved one who died by suicide, can make all the difference.

When suicide has been in the top ten causes of death for over 40 years, and we still can’t give it the level of serious attention it deserves, we know things have to change. We need to consider mental illness a real and present issue deserving of the same level of attention and compassion that we give to victims of cancer or other illnesses. Don’t hide it. Talk about it. Together we can end the stigma.

If you have lost a loved one to suicide, or you know someone who has, there are places to seek help. Both the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the American Association for Suicidology have numerous resources to help those who have lost a loved one to suicide.



Jennifer K. Logston, MSW, LCSW is a Therapist at Fox Valley Institute in Naperville, IL. She has a specialization in working with survivors of suicide loss, individually as well as through a twice monthly support group at Fox Valley Institute. Jennifer is also a survivor of her father’s suicide in 1983.

School Refusal

Cindy Baleskie, MA, LCPC

Riley is a 15-year- old sophomore. She typically gets straight A’s, and her teachers praise her for being a model student. She plays on the varsity volleyball team and is involved with student government. During first semester, she missed two weeks of school due to an illness. Since returning to school, she frequently complains of headaches and stomachaches in the morning. She has stayed home from school at least once a week, and when she is at school, she often calls her parents from the nurse’s office, asking to go home. At home, she naps or binge- watches TV shows all day. She is failing three classes due to incomplete assignments. When her parents try to discuss her school work, she cries and becomes angry. Her parents are becoming increasingly concerned because she seems to have lost her enthusiasm and motivation for everything, including her friends.

Unfortunately, Riley’s story is one that many families can relate to. Parents frequently seek support from our therapists for school avoidant behaviors in their children. We tend to view school refusal as a symptom of emotional distress.

Common reasons students refuse to attend school include the following:

1. Avoid feelings of anxiety, fear, or incompetence related to academic pressure
2. Avoid social situations that cause anxiety, such as attending a new school or being bullied
3. Gain benefits of staying home, such as special attention or the ability to play video games
4. Lack of motivation and energy due to depression, anxiety, or substance abuse

Parents and teachers often notice the following symptoms:

• physical complaints, such as headache, stomachache, vomiting, and fatigue
• frequent requests to stay home from school, tardiness, or visits to the nurse’s office
• drop in grades due to incomplete work
• change in mood, such as increased irritability, sadness, tearfulness, or feelings of being overwhelmed or hopeless

What can parents do?

Get Support from the School: First, meet with the school counselor or social worker to create a plan of action. School personnel will often collaborate with the teachers to create a modified schedule for missing assignments that is more manageable to the student. They will help identify a safe space for the student to go if they feel overwhelmed, such as meeting with the social worker to discuss the source of the stress, rather than avoiding the stress by going home. If there is a difficult social situation, the school will do their best to help the student become more comfortable or cope with a situation that cannot be changed.

Don’t Enable the Behavior: If your child is refusing to attend school, be honest with school personnel rather than saying that they are sick. This will only delay the consequences and decrease the school’s ability to support your child in an appropriate way.

Eliminate the Rewards of Staying Home: This may mean taking away video games, WiFi, or TV. Do not allow your child to participate in recreational or social activities if they do not attend school.

Listen: Create a safe environment for your child to express their feelings. Avoid shaming your child or minimizing their challenges. Empathize with how difficult, scary, or frustrating situations like these can be. Collaborate with your child on finding solutions so they feel more empowered.

Provide Structure: Create healthy morning, afternoon, and evening routines that support time management, organization, and positive momentum.

Seek Help from a Professional: A therapist will help your child learn to communicate about their concerns more effectively, cope with difficult feelings in a healthy way, and build upon your child’s strengths. A therapist can also collaborate with school personnel to support their efforts in the classroom. An added benefit of working with a therapist is that they will provide support and encouragement to parents who can feel discouraged about their efforts to help their child.

For additional tips, check out these suggestions published by Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health.

If you would like to consult with one of our licensed therapists about your child’s behavior, please call 630.718.0717 or visit our website at www.fvinstitute.com.

Divorce Mediation Services Now Available at FVI !

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International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day 2016

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Strengthen the Parent Child Connection with Attachment Based Parenting Tips

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Tips for Teen Anxiety at the Start of the School Year

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Women and Divorce: Dealing with Loss

Jenna Fash, MS, LCPC

If you find yourself facing the overwhelming journey of divorce you may be feeling confused, lonely, scared and sad. The roller coaster of emotions and experiences that accompany this process can leave people feeling stuck and, at times, resistant to move forward. It is crucial to understand first, that you are not alone, and second that there is direction and regrowth ahead for you.

According to Marriage and Family Therapist, Darlene Spencer, divorce consists of five stages: cognitive separation, physical separation, legal dissolution, spiritual un-bonding and emotional divorce.

Cognitive Separation regards the intention to divorce; meaning you have made the decision, within yourself, to divorce your spouse. Physical Separation is, in fact, partners physically separating their lives from one another. Legal Dissolution is completed through the court system. The outlook for this part of the process varies from couple to couple. Spiritual Un-Bonding is both subjective and difficult to put into words for couples. Nonetheless, many couples attempt to disengage from their once established spiritual bond. Lastly, and likely the most complex stage, is Emotionally Divorcing your spouse.

It is in the process of Emotional Divorce that you will experience the grieving process of ending your marriage as well as severing the romantic and dependent aspects of your relationship with your partner. Completing the mourning process and facing the fears included in this chapter are essential in order for you to rebuild and truly move forward in your life once your divorce is complete.

In your grief you will likely face a stage of denial, trying to ignore the reality of what has become of your marriage. Once you have decided to divorce you may still face bargaining, possibly some last minute efforts to save your marriage. As you move further into the process of grief you will find yourself sorting through the trying emotions of depression and anger before finally landing in the final stage of acceptance. Grief in divorce is complex as you are saying goodbye to many things, not just one person or one relationship. You may find yourself grieving the loss of your identity, as a mom or wife, the loss of the idealized family system or even the dream of ‘what could have been.’

How do you cope with this overwhelming grief and find a way to process this loss and the future ahead? The answer is not black and white but if you draw from your inner strength and resources surrounding you, then you can rebuild.

Cope with the Emotions first. Enlist the support of loved ones, family and friends that you know and trust. Confide in them, talk to them! It will help to just start expressing what you are going through, do not bottle it inside it is more likely to find a way out that is not healthy. Journal, write down your thoughts and feelings. They do not have to make sense; they just have to come out. If you are not already, start therapy individually and join support groups. You will find you can process your emotions to a deeper level and gain invaluable support from those going through the same experience. As you move through your grief you will come to find you have the emotional space to care for yourself again, run with this! Be kind to yourself, re-build your self-esteem if it has been damaged or lost.

Set Goals. In setting your goals, allow yourself permission to meet goals moving from small to big. You cannot tackle every goal at once so it is critical to be fair and realistic with yourself. You may find yourself having to create a new life around finances, housing, career, etc. You cannot expect yourself to know exactly what each plan will look like and instantly how to achieve. Allow yourself time to develop a well, thought out plan on how to achieve these goals.

Educate yourself throughout this journey, beginning, middle and end. Do not be afraid to ask questions as knowledge will build empowerment. Seek out counsel from your lawyer, financial advisor, career counselor and any professionals that can guide you in this process. Do not expect yourself to be the expert in areas where you have no training! This will feel overwhelming and confusing.

As you build your strength in your new beginning, remember that you do not have to face it alone; there is support available to you. The strength you need lies within; sometimes it just needs a little encouragement to come anew.

Women and Divorce: Dealing with Loss

Jenna Fash, MS, LCPC

If you find yourself facing the overwhelming journey of divorce you may be feeling confused, lonely, scared and sad. The roller coaster of emotions and experiences that accompany this process can leave people feeling stuck and, at times, resistant to move forward. It is crucial to understand first, that you are not alone, and second that there is direction and regrowth ahead for you.

According to Marriage and Family Therapist, Darlene Spencer, divorce consists of five stages: cognitive separation, physical separation, legal dissolution, spiritual un-bonding and emotional divorce.

Cognitive Separation regards the intention to divorce; meaning you have made the decision, within yourself, to divorce your spouse. Physical Separation is, in fact, partners physically separating their lives from one another. Legal Dissolution is completed through the court system. The outlook for this part of the process varies from couple to couple. Spiritual Un-Bonding is both subjective and difficult to put into words for couples. Nonetheless, many couples attempt to disengage from their once established spiritual bond. Lastly, and likely the most complex stage, is Emotionally Divorcing your spouse.

It is in the process of Emotional Divorce that you will experience the grieving process of ending your marriage as well as severing the romantic and dependent aspects of your relationship with your partner. Completing the mourning process and facing the fears included in this chapter are essential in order for you to rebuild and truly move forward in your life once your divorce is complete.

In your grief you will likely face a stage of denial, trying to ignore the reality of what has become of your marriage. Once you have decided to divorce you may still face bargaining, possibly some last minute efforts to save your marriage. As you move further into the process of grief you will find yourself sorting through the trying emotions of depression and anger before finally landing in the final stage of acceptance. Grief in divorce is complex as you are saying goodbye to many things, not just one person or one relationship. You may find yourself grieving the loss of your identity, as a mom or wife, the loss of the idealized family system or even the dream of ‘what could have been.’

How do you cope with this overwhelming grief and find a way to process this loss and the future ahead? The answer is not black and white but if you draw from your inner strength and resources surrounding you, then you can rebuild.

Cope with the Emotions first. Enlist the support of loved ones, family and friends that you know and trust. Confide in them, talk to them! It will help to just start expressing what you are going through, do not bottle it inside it is more likely to find a way out that is not healthy. Journal, write down your thoughts and feelings. They do not have to make sense; they just have to come out. If you are not already, start therapy individually and join support groups. You will find you can process your emotions to a deeper level and gain invaluable support from those going through the same experience. As you move through your grief you will come to find you have the emotional space to care for yourself again, run with this! Be kind to yourself, re-build your self-esteem if it has been damaged or lost.

Set Goals. In setting your goals, allow yourself permission to meet goals moving from small to big. You cannot tackle every goal at once so it is critical to be fair and realistic with yourself. You may find yourself having to create a new life around finances, housing, career, etc. You cannot expect yourself to know exactly what each plan will look like and instantly how to achieve. Allow yourself time to develop a well, thought out plan on how to achieve these goals.

Educate yourself throughout this journey, beginning, middle and end. Do not be afraid to ask questions as knowledge will build empowerment. Seek out counsel from your lawyer, financial advisor, career counselor and any professionals that can guide you in this process. Do not expect yourself to be the expert in areas where you have no training! This will feel overwhelming and confusing.

As you build your strength in your new beginning, remember that you do not have to face it alone; there is support available to you. The strength you need lies within; sometimes it just needs a little encouragement to come anew.

Teenage Moodiness

Karen Southwick, MSW, LCSW

We all know that teens and moodiness go hand in hand. Their moodiness creeps up at times 

when we least expect it. Why are teens experiencing such shifts in their mood? When is a teenager's moodiness a cause for concern? What are the warning signs that a teen is experiencing more than just a bad day, or an off week? At what point might a consultation with a mental health professional be appropriate? These are common questions from any parent of a teenager.

Why is my teenager moody?

Many teens experience anxiety, depressive symptoms, anger, hopelessness and a short fuse. Teenage moodiness has many different origins. Teenagers have an influx of hormones (testosterone for boys and estrogen and progesterone for girls), which makes emotional regulation particularly difficult at this time. The teen brain is also changing. The prefrontal cortex is growing during adolescence. The parts of the brain responsible for impulse control, decision making, reasoning, and judgment are developing during this time. It is believed the frontal lobe isn't fully developed until the early 20's. Most teens are figuring out their identity and trying on new roles. A teenager's physical appearance is drastically changing, and they are trying to adjust to changes that may not be welcome. Teen’s bodies start to look more like adults; however, teens do not yet have the autonomy and independence of adults. This can be very frustrating for teens. Additionally, teens are navigating social situations and learning how to manage more things on their own, all of which adds to their stress levels. Teenagers sometimes are left out by their friends or are faced with finding a new peer group. At times, there can even be a lot of drama within a close group of friends.

What are the warning signs that we should seek professional help?

What are the signs that a teenager's moodiness is more than what is expected? If a teen begins skipping school, quitting extracurricular activities, or goes from being with friends to isolating him/herself, a consultation with a mental health professional is appropriate. You can speak with your teen's medical doctor, school social worker, or a therapist. Other signs that professional help is warranted are a shift in weight (weight gain or weight loss) or a drop in grades. If your teenager stops turning in homework or their grades take a nosedive, the changes in their mood might be more than they can manage. If you become aware your teenager is doing drugs or talking about self-harm or suicide, seek help immediately.

What can be done proactively?

What can be done preventatively to help your teen maintain a healthy lifestyle and avoid the dips in their mood? Teens need a healthy diet, exercise, and sleep to maintain good emotional and physical health. Exercise or working out releases the endorphins-a natural way to increase your mood. Is your teen eating healthy? Are they eating a well-balanced diet? If not, they may be missing out on necessary vitamins and energy that their body needs. Who doesn't get moody when they are hungry? The amount of sleep a teen needs will vary from person to person, but because of their developing body and influx of hormones, they need extra sleep to maintain good health. Try to keep your teen on a regular sleep cycle. "Catching up" on sleep on the weekend or changing sleep hours contributes to poor sleep hygiene. Try to keep sleep hours as consistent as possible. Encourage your teen to talk to people they trust. Having someone they can express their feelings to can sometimes improve their mood. Encourage your teen to journal their feelings. Being able to write their feelings down allows teens to get their feelings out. Talk to your teen. Find opportunities to check in regularly to gain a better understanding of the causes of your teen's moodiness and the circumstances that create fluctuation in their mood. Lastly, let your teen know it's okay to cry. By letting your feelings out with a good cry, people often report feeling better.

Coping with Loss Due to Infertility

Jenna Fash, MS, LCPC

Coping with loss due to infertility is both a painful and complex experience. Many couples enter into this journey already having faced the grieving process, likely for many months. Each month the flame of hope and optimism is ignited as a couple attempts to conceive a child whether it be naturally or through treatment. When a couple does not conceive, they are confronted with the painful reality of sadness, pain, and loss of the idea of what they hoped to create, a family. Some couples may experience the blessing of pregnancy only to have their dream ended in miscarriage. Some may have the blessing of one child but are struggling to extend their family only leaving additional confusion and questioning. Others may try countless attempts at fertility treatments only to experience a negative pregnancy test at the end of their attempt. Couples can come to learn that they may not be able to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. The journey of grief for these couples is certainly subjective but they all face the painful reality of loss because if you are facing infertility then you are already a grieving parent.

Coping with the complex loss due to infertility is not a linear path. Each person, each couple will have their own unique journey towards healing. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the five stages of grieving in her book “On Death and Dying.” How her stages apply to the grieving process are as follows;

Denial.

Denial can take various forms when facing infertility. A negative pregnancy test can result in a feeling that the test was wrong or the doctor made an error. Even denial of feelings when told about a loss or an unsuccessful treatment cycle can contribute to this grieving stage.

Anger.

Anger can be pointed in many different directions, at self, doctors, spouse or even others who can become pregnant.

Bargaining.

In this stage of grief, you may find couples taking every step possible to become pregnant, whether it is diet or lifestyle changes. Possibly becoming spiritual when they have not before. Many are willing to make various changes and compromises in an effort to start a family.

Depression.

The sadness of this stage of grief can be very isolating. Couples may lose hope that they will conceive and start a family and become consumed by burdening emotions of pain and hopelessness.

Acceptance.

This stage of grief instills hope back in the couples as they regain the belief that they will become parents and start a family. They believe that it will work out and there are options for them ahead.

If you have experienced the journey of infertility then you can already identify with your inner resiliency. It takes an incredible amount of strength to experience this grieving process cycle after cycle. Couples facing infertility do this, they take in the information they need to, know how to respond to their feelings about it, and make the best decision about what to do next. In order to move beyond loss, you have to allow yourself to grieve and consider new possibilities. Consider some of the following in coping with your grief during infertility.

Educate.

Meet with specialists in this field to consider all of your options. Sometimes the journey of starting a family may look different than the picture you originally created but perhaps you can find acceptance and happiness with this. 

Work through your feelings.

There are many ways to do this but no matter what path you choose it is critical that you pick at least one! You have to allow yourself the opportunity to process through your grief and find healing, give yourself a chance to do this. You can meet with a therapist, a support group, marriage counselors, friends, families or invest in a journal. If you find that you do need professional know that you are not alone and there are many resources available to you.

Utilize creative outlets.

Both for distraction and healing. Find ways to channel your feelings whether it be through art, taking up a new class or hobby or developing new friendships.

Write a letter.

To the child, you may have lost or the child you had hoped for. Many couples find healing in having an object or tradition to honor this child.

Seek support from your partner.

It is no surprise that men and woman can deal with this experience differently but that does not mean you have to go through it separately. Learn to communicate effectively with your partner through this journey so you can lean on each other for support and learn to give each other the type of support one another needs. Consider trying some these options as you work through your grief. The journey is not easy but at the end, you can find peace.

References:

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D., Ira Brock, M.D. (Forward) On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families. Scribner; Classic edition, July 2, 1997

New VR Technology Is Finding Its Way Into Therapy

Fox Valley Institute - Counseling and Psychiatry for Marriage, Teen, Family, Depression, Anxiety - Therapy and Psychological Testing - Located in Naperville IL

New technology is finding its way into therapy, and our clinic will be among the first in the area to use virtual reality as an option in treatment.

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FVI Takes Leading Role In Use Of VR In Therapy

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Parenting Adult Children

Suzanne W. Keenon, MA, LCPC

Accepting things the way they are instead of how you wish they would be.

When your children become adults they go off to college, the military, get married or move to a different state or country. You find yourself in a strange and different place. Gone is the huge grocery bill and the mad scramble to eat and run to the next practice, recital, or game. All of a sudden there is room on your calendar. And you may have a varied reaction to this new stage of life. You may welcome the free time to spend with your spouse, invest in yourself, or just explore what this next chapter will entail. You may feel depressed and may not want to accept the reality of the moment. You may wish to turn back the clock. This is when you must accept things the way they are instead of the way you wish they would be.

1. Condition yourself to “let go”.

Remember when your son was learning to ride his bicycle and you would hold the back of the seat to keep him steady? As he gained confidence you would hear him say, “You can let go now Mom, you can let go now.” Sometimes when you let go he would wobble, then ride off gaining his balance, other times he would wobble and fall. Now is the time we have to let go again. Accept he is gaining his independence and wants to ride on his own.

2. Move from parent to consultant.

When parenting adult children, you need to re-invent yourself. The goal is to no longer be a parent but is a consultant or advisor. When you need advice regarding your taxes, finances, or house remodeling you may ask those who have experience or are knowledgeable and they advise you in a way that has your best interest in mind. After requesting the advice, you are under no obligation to carry out all of the actions suggested but are more educated and able to make decisions in line with your goals. Only you can know what “fits” best at any given time in your life. The same is true of your child. If you have been clear about your love for him and desire to help, it is up to your child to ask for advice. And just as you take actions that “fit” you best, so will he. You made your way in your circumstances, made your mistakes and learned along the way. So must your child.

3. Watch for signs of depression.

When an adult child leaves you feel a big void. You may feel separation anxiety, depression, and emptiness. Some of the signs of depression are feeling hopeless, empty, and lonely. You can have sleep disturbances, eating disturbances, and increased irritability. You no longer find pleasure in those things you once found pleasurable. If these continue for more than two weeks see a therapist or your doctor. These feelings come with titles such as Post Parenting Syndrome, Empty Nest Syndrome and you also can have Launch Anxiety. We all prefer stability and change does not always come easily. Depression can be a common result.

4. Release the guilt.

Many parents begin to evaluate their parenting skills over the years and become very self-critical. I invite you to forgive yourself for past inadequacies. Typically, parents do the best job they know how under the circumstances. Free yourself from worry and from what society demands; for society demands perfection. Our children are to immediately have exciting careers, wonderful loving partnerships, be financially successful and independent. Movies, Facebook, and TV, force feed us to have perfect children. This is just not reality. Releasing yourselves from guilt creates an opportunity to love and accept your adult children right where they are. You then can listen, encourage, guide, and cheer them into the next chapter of their lives. And accept things the way they are instead of the way you wish they would be.

Adolescent Substance Abuse Trends

Jenny Wagner, LCPC, CADC

Substance Abuse and Dependence in teenagers are on the rise! Drugs of choice are easier to obtain and are being used frequently in dangerously high dosages. Some of the drugs used most often by young adults are over the counter medications, prescription medications, alcohol, and cannabis. Recently we have seen more teenagers using multiple drugs at once and often times they are being used to regulate their emotions. Severe withdrawal and post-acute withdrawal symptoms are becoming common place with cannabis, molly, benzodiazepines, and over the counter medications.

Common Signs of Withdrawal from drugs and alcohol:

Irritability, trouble sleeping, mood swings, tremors, increased anxiety, vomiting, nausea, sweating, restlessness, bone aches, blood pressure changes, and headaches.

Marijuana

According to an annual survey conducted by the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), a trend of opinion among adolescents surveyed asserted a “softening of attitudes around some types of drug use, particularly decreases in perceived harm and disapproval of marijuana use “(NIDA, 2014).

As the popularity of marijuana spreads across the country new terms for marijuana are being used such as “edibles” which is used to describe foods that are cooked with marijuana. Teenagers are not only using stronger versions of cannabis but also dabs, which is high-grade hash usually made with a process involving butane.

Dabs

Also known as butane hash oil (BHO), honey oil, budder, shatter, and wax — is a highly concentrated extract of marijuana’s psychoactive ingredient tetrahydrocannabinol or THC. It is thick gummy, brownish-green, and looks like hot candle wax that’s been spilled onto a piece of paper and left to dry.   Butane hash oil is then concentrated into a smokeable oil that teenagers add to their marijuana or use it by itself.  Dabs are more potent than marijuana, physically addictive and have severe withdrawal symptoms. Many teenagers use this discretely in an electronic device such as an electronic pen or cigarette so the smell is masked and they can hide it easily.

Prescription Medicine, Over the counter medication, & Alcohol Prescription medication, over the counter drugs, and alcohol are some of the easiest for teenagers to acquire. Recent studies indicate that Binge drinking is on the rise among juniors in high school (11 th grade) across the country. Studies also show that 10 th grade youths are driving after using marijuana or other illegal drugs.

Dextromethorphan, also known as DXM, is found in many over-the- counter (OTC) cough medicines. Therefore, it is readily available for consumption. DXM is an anesthetic with dissociative properties. Dissociative is a type of hallucinogenic that alters a person’s perception of sight and sound and, it creates feelings of detachment from their surroundings. It produces an effect similar to PCP and ketamine. There are also similarities to the properties of codeine. Dextromethorphan’s recreational popularity is highly prevalent with young teens and young adults. Getting a bottle of DXM is as simple as going to the grocery store and buying some type of cough suppressant or stealing it which many teenagers do. These are not locked up or behind the counter, they are on the shelves. Sometimes it’s as easy as going to the medicine cabinet at home.  Benadryl and Coricidin Cough and Cold (CCC) is another over the counter medication that teenagers abuse.

Heroin

In Illinois, there is a rise in heroin use and many feel this is due to the tolerance built up due to the overuse and abuse of pain medication, benzodiazepines such as Xanax or Klonopin, and over the counter medications with DXM.  This is shifting users to find a more powerful drug earlier in their drug use than ever before. The drugs mentioned above are often abused because teenagers will often use drugs of opportunity readily available to them or easy to get.

Inhalants

Inhalants are chemicals found in ordinary household or workplace products that people inhale on purpose to get “high.” Because many inhalants can be found around the house, people often don’t realize that inhaling their fumes, even just once, can be very harmful to the brain and body and can lead to death. In fact, the chemicals found in these products can change the way the brain works and cause other problems in the body.

• Volatile solvents are liquids that become a gas at room temperature. They are found in: Paint thinner, nail polish remover, degreaser, dry-cleaning fluid, gasoline, and contact cement. Some art or office supplies, such as correction fluid, felt-tip marker fluid, and computer air duster.
• Aerosols are sprays that contain propellants and solvents. They include: Spray paint, hair spray, deodorant spray, vegetable oil sprays, air freshener, and fabric protector spray.
• Gasses may be in a household or commercial products, or used in the medical field to provide pain relief. They are found in Butane lighters, propane tanks, whipped cream dispensers, and refrigerant gasses.

Anesthesia

Anesthesia including ether, chloroform, halothane, and nitrous oxide (commonly called “laughing gas”). Many of these household products are being abused but are used so infrequently that parents don’t realize they are gone.

Depressants

Benzodiazepines are depressants that relax muscles, so they are often prescribed to treat muscle spasms, anxiety, and seizures. As the Drug Enforcement Agency describes, the most frequently prescribed benzodiazepines are Valium, Xanax, Ativan, and Klonopin.  These are also the most abused anti-anxiety medications.  When mixed with alcohol the combination can be fatal.

Conclusion

As the drug trends continue to change and advance parents have to continue to educate themselves on what teenagers are using and abusing to keep their home safe.  There are ways to dispose of old medications safely and any abusable cold medication that needs to be in the house can be kept locked in a medication safe.  Household products can also be kept in locked cabinets to protect teenagers with a drug use history or to prevent possible abuse.

How to Deepen Your Connection with your Partner

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Psychological Testing During Adolescence

Erin O’Donohue, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist

What is psychological testing?

There could be a number of explanations for why a student isn’t doing well and doesn’t enjoy school. Could the reason be an executive functioning disorder such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? Does the student have social anxiety and feel overwhelmed being around others? Could there be depression due to family stressors at home? Is the attentional deficit a result of insomnia? Although the presentation of poor academic achievement may appear similar, the underlying reason could be quite different leading to different ways to address the behavioral problem. Psychological tests and assessments get at the underlying nature of a problem in order to figure out the best way to go about intervening with the behavioral health problem. A comprehensive psychological assessment provides feedback on the strengths and limitations of the individual. It is geared at diagnosing and understanding if there is a psychiatric condition going on. The information from the assessment, along with the behavioral observations will be used to educate the diagnosis and guide treatment planning.

What assessment measures will be selected?

A licensed clinical psychologist is trained in administering and interpreting psychological assessments. The clinician will initially meet with the individual for a diagnostic interview and based on the referral question determine the best combination of tests and assessments. The assessments are standardized, objective, researched based, and reliable measures that explain an individual’s emotional, cognitive, behavioral and interpersonal functioning.

It may be determined that due to attentional disturbances a full psychological evaluation will be administered, which includes a structured interview, assessment of intellectual capability, academic achievement measures, measures of attention, projective measures, objective personality measures, and parent/teacher checklists.

It could be determined a partial or psychological assessment will be recommended, which includes a structured interview, objective personality measures, projective measures, and self-report assessments. This type of assessment can be useful to determine if there is a personality disorder or mood dysregulation that is impacting an individual’s well-being.

What to expect?

 Ultimately, it is important to recognize psychological testing is something a person doesn’t need to be afraid of or study for. It is important that the individual tries their hardest and answers questions as honestly as possible so that an accurate treatment plan can be developed to enhance an individual’s emotional, cognitive, and interpersonal functioning.

Meet Our Psychiatrists!

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Teens Engage in Self-Injury and the World of the Cyber Culture

Melissa Pasquinelli, LCPC, NCC

Teens today are at risk from exposure to self-injury from their peers and in the cyber world. Technology has allowed us to have almost any type of information at our finger tips at any moment. A teen can simply type in self-injury; and this whole world of self-injury images and information can pop up. As Adler, P. A. and Adler, P. stated in their book “The Tender Cut: The Hidden World of Self-Injury” that there is a ‘social phenomenon’ being cultivated between the teen cyber network and self-injury. This has increased the teens exposure to such behaviors and the virtual spread of information regarding how to, when, where, and how to cover it up. It is essentially encouraging teens to self-injure and being praised for it.

Teens can start out curious about self-injury and end up getting involved in this ‘social phenomenon’. Teens can ultimately be triggered by these images and are encouraged to engage in behaviors that they may not have ever been exposed to. For teens with low self-worth, this is an easy way to feel a part of something. As we all know, when you are a teen; peer acceptance is very important. It becomes more about acceptance by peers versus the actual behavior itself. The cyber world has allowed people to portray self-injury as a fad which isn’t initially why teens self-injure.

Why do teens self-injure? Many teens self-injure because they are attempting to obtain relief, want to feel pain, distract their pain, punishing themselves, or on rare occasions for attention. Self-injury can consist of cutting, burning, excessive scratching, hair pulling, banging head onto hard surfaces, hitting or bruising, and picking skin with the intention of not healing the wound. In most cases, teens that cut are dealing with some sort of emotion distress. The self-injury is a short term coping mechanism which can turn into a long-term addiction. This also allows the teenager to isolate oneself due to only cyber friends on the internet and not engaging in person to person social situations. This isn’t saying that teens won’t self-injure anyway, however, having access to the internet increases those risks.

Parenting can be challenging and technology can make it more complicated. How can we help our teens? Parents need to be aware that this type of information exists and to realize that your teen may be susceptible to falling into the cyber culture. Being informed will be helpful before speaking with your teen. “The Tender Cut: The Hidden World of Self-Injury” by P. A. Adler and P. Adler will allow you to see how self-injury and the cyber culture have evolved. Communicating with your teen would be the next step to identify their safety, knowledge, and what the teen may be struggling with. If your teen is self-injuring it is important not to shame them and being open to hearing how they are feeling. Providing support will open the door of communication and will allow the teen to trust the parent. If your teen is engaging in self-injury, they should be seeking professional help. Parents should seek out either a counselor, social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist, and/or group setting. Parents should try their best to monitor web searches by putting restrictions on the computer (software) and allowing your teen to only view internet searches while in the presence of a parent or guardian. In most cases, self-injury is not a form of suicide, however, without the intent; teens can complete suicide on accident. Going too deep can happen on occasions, therefore, parents need to be discussing the risks with their teens. Regardless of the reason why the teen has started engaging in self-injury, it is very important to not take this behavior lightly. Provide your teen with the help they need and deserve by seeking out assistance.

References:

Adler, P. A., Adler, P. The Tender Cut: The Hidden World of Self-Injury. NYU Press, 2011.

Survivors of Suicide

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Psychiatry Services Now Available at FVI!

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Using Thought Defusion to Cope with Teenage Anxiety.

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School Refusal

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Drug and Alcohol Use Warning Signs

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5 Tips for Blended Families

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The Art of Mindfulness

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May/June Newsletter – Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

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Tips to Raise Self-Esteem for Teens

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The Reasons Why Girls Bully and Ways to Help your Teen: The harsh realities of being a teenage girl

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Frontier Kite Festival Tomorrow!

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I Just Need Someone to Listen! The Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy

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Family Therapist at FVI

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Family Therapy in Naperville

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Family and Teen Counseling in Naperville

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Naperville Family Counseling Services

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Watch: The Art of Keeping Passion in Your Relationship

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The Art of Keeping Passion in Your Relationship

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Dr. Laura and Cheryl spoke about myths, biological differences and practical ways to bring passion back into your relationship. There are many myths that couples often believe that prove detrimental to relationships and marriages.

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Building Healthy Friendships One Step At a Time

How do these famous quotes sound to you:

"It is better to be in chains with friends, than to be in a garden with strangers."

"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice."

"To have a friend, you have to be a friend."

"The only unsinkable ship is FRIENDSHIP."

Do any of these quotes seem unrealistic? Often people like to romanticize about friendship. But the reality is, like any relationships, they can be positive or negative. And they can take a lot of plain old hard work.

Some people yearn for intimacy in their friendships. Meanwhile, many others who have been hurt by a friend are afraid of intimacy in a friendship. When these two different kinds of people meet and become friends, it sets up an imbalanced relationship.

For the person looking for intimacy, it's important to be sensitive of the other person. Are they being friendly but keeping a safe distance? If so, be careful not to push the relationship in a different direction. They may need time to heal. Or, they may not want to be as close to you as you may want to be to them. As much as that thought may hurt, it would hurt much worse to find out they really don't want to be close friends once you've invested a lot of time and energy in the relationship.

And sometimes friendships take time to evolve. Be patient.

If you push a friendship artificially, you may end up feeling hurt, or worst betrayed if things don't work out. That may make it hard for you to take the risk again. In essence you'll become like the second person in our example.

On the other hand, if you're the person who's afraid of being hurt, you need to work out your feelings. Many people I talk to are struggling to resolve wounds from a friendship painfully gone bad. In some ways, being hurt in a friendship can often be more difficult than being hurt by a family member. Someone once said "You can‚'t choose your relatives, but you can choose your friends."

To better understand how friendships work or don't work it's important to understand how friendships evolve…

Usually you meet a new friend because you have something in common: you like the same sport or you're in a group together or your personalities just click. So your friendship starts based on some kind of commonality. In the beginning you spend all your time talking about your common interests and you talk entirely about the present. Your conversations are about facts and information.

Then, over time, as a relationship grows, you find yourself opening up more. You express more emotion. You begin to share more of your history -- and how you feel about events in your past.

And that's when people get hurt. It's not sharing the facts it's sharing the feelings. In friendships, feelings create intimacy, not facts. And it's when you feel someone has been insensitive to you or betrayed your confidence that you can get hurt.

As playwright Oscar Wilde said: "A true friend stabs you in the front." Sometimes it's not what's done to our face, but what happens behind our back that hurts most.

And although male and female friendships look different on the outside, there is still intimacy developing under the surface. Under it all, true friendships have a deep sense of loyalty and commitment. A true friend is someone you can call and say, "I need you right now" and they'll drop what they are doing to be there for you.

Over time, deeper friendships tend to weather more together, so they tend to be able to withstand more. These are the kinds of friendships that songs and poems are written about. In a sense, true friendship is what Woody sang about in Toy Story when he said:

"You've got troubles, I've got 'em too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. We'll stick together to see it through cause you've got a friend in me."