Parenting Adult Children

Suzanne W. Keenon, MA, LCPC

Accepting things the way they are instead of how you wish they would be.

When your children become adults they go off to college, the military, get married or move to a different state or country. You find yourself in a strange and different place. Gone is the huge grocery bill and the mad scramble to eat and run to the next practice, recital, or game. All of a sudden there is room on your calendar. And you may have a varied reaction to this new stage of life. You may welcome the free time to spend with your spouse, invest in yourself, or just explore what this next chapter will entail. You may feel depressed and may not want to accept the reality of the moment. You may wish to turn back the clock. This is when you must accept things the way they are instead of the way you wish they would be.

1. Condition yourself to “let go”.

Remember when your son was learning to ride his bicycle and you would hold the back of the seat to keep him steady? As he gained confidence you would hear him say, “You can let go now Mom, you can let go now.” Sometimes when you let go he would wobble, then ride off gaining his balance, other times he would wobble and fall. Now is the time we have to let go again. Accept he is gaining his independence and wants to ride on his own.

2. Move from parent to consultant.

When parenting adult children, you need to re-invent yourself. The goal is to no longer be a parent but is a consultant or advisor. When you need advice regarding your taxes, finances, or house remodeling you may ask those who have experience or are knowledgeable and they advise you in a way that has your best interest in mind. After requesting the advice, you are under no obligation to carry out all of the actions suggested but are more educated and able to make decisions in line with your goals. Only you can know what “fits” best at any given time in your life. The same is true of your child. If you have been clear about your love for him and desire to help, it is up to your child to ask for advice. And just as you take actions that “fit” you best, so will he. You made your way in your circumstances, made your mistakes and learned along the way. So must your child.

3. Watch for signs of depression.

When an adult child leaves you feel a big void. You may feel separation anxiety, depression, and emptiness. Some of the signs of depression are feeling hopeless, empty, and lonely. You can have sleep disturbances, eating disturbances, and increased irritability. You no longer find pleasure in those things you once found pleasurable. If these continue for more than two weeks see a therapist or your doctor. These feelings come with titles such as Post Parenting Syndrome, Empty Nest Syndrome and you also can have Launch Anxiety. We all prefer stability and change does not always come easily. Depression can be a common result.

4. Release the guilt.

Many parents begin to evaluate their parenting skills over the years and become very self-critical. I invite you to forgive yourself for past inadequacies. Typically, parents do the best job they know how under the circumstances. Free yourself from worry and from what society demands; for society demands perfection. Our children are to immediately have exciting careers, wonderful loving partnerships, be financially successful and independent. Movies, Facebook, and TV, force feed us to have perfect children. This is just not reality. Releasing yourselves from guilt creates an opportunity to love and accept your adult children right where they are. You then can listen, encourage, guide, and cheer them into the next chapter of their lives. And accept things the way they are instead of the way you wish they would be.