Coping with Loss Due to Infertility

Jenna Fash, MS, LCPC

Coping with loss due to infertility is both a painful and complex experience. Many couples enter into this journey already having faced the grieving process, likely for many months. Each month the flame of hope and optimism is ignited as a couple attempts to conceive a child whether it be naturally or through treatment. When a couple does not conceive, they are confronted with the painful reality of sadness, pain, and loss of the idea of what they hoped to create, a family. Some couples may experience the blessing of pregnancy only to have their dream ended in miscarriage. Some may have the blessing of one child but are struggling to extend their family only leaving additional confusion and questioning. Others may try countless attempts at fertility treatments only to experience a negative pregnancy test at the end of their attempt. Couples can come to learn that they may not be able to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. The journey of grief for these couples is certainly subjective but they all face the painful reality of loss because if you are facing infertility then you are already a grieving parent.

Coping with the complex loss due to infertility is not a linear path. Each person, each couple will have their own unique journey towards healing. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the five stages of grieving in her book “On Death and Dying.” How her stages apply to the grieving process are as follows;

Denial.

Denial can take various forms when facing infertility. A negative pregnancy test can result in a feeling that the test was wrong or the doctor made an error. Even denial of feelings when told about a loss or an unsuccessful treatment cycle can contribute to this grieving stage.

Anger.

Anger can be pointed in many different directions, at self, doctors, spouse or even others who can become pregnant.

Bargaining.

In this stage of grief, you may find couples taking every step possible to become pregnant, whether it is diet or lifestyle changes. Possibly becoming spiritual when they have not before. Many are willing to make various changes and compromises in an effort to start a family.

Depression.

The sadness of this stage of grief can be very isolating. Couples may lose hope that they will conceive and start a family and become consumed by burdening emotions of pain and hopelessness.

Acceptance.

This stage of grief instills hope back in the couples as they regain the belief that they will become parents and start a family. They believe that it will work out and there are options for them ahead.

If you have experienced the journey of infertility then you can already identify with your inner resiliency. It takes an incredible amount of strength to experience this grieving process cycle after cycle. Couples facing infertility do this, they take in the information they need to, know how to respond to their feelings about it, and make the best decision about what to do next. In order to move beyond loss, you have to allow yourself to grieve and consider new possibilities. Consider some of the following in coping with your grief during infertility.

Educate.

Meet with specialists in this field to consider all of your options. Sometimes the journey of starting a family may look different than the picture you originally created but perhaps you can find acceptance and happiness with this. 

Work through your feelings.

There are many ways to do this but no matter what path you choose it is critical that you pick at least one! You have to allow yourself the opportunity to process through your grief and find healing, give yourself a chance to do this. You can meet with a therapist, a support group, marriage counselors, friends, families or invest in a journal. If you find that you do need professional know that you are not alone and there are many resources available to you.

Utilize creative outlets.

Both for distraction and healing. Find ways to channel your feelings whether it be through art, taking up a new class or hobby or developing new friendships.

Write a letter.

To the child, you may have lost or the child you had hoped for. Many couples find healing in having an object or tradition to honor this child.

Seek support from your partner.

It is no surprise that men and woman can deal with this experience differently but that does not mean you have to go through it separately. Learn to communicate effectively with your partner through this journey so you can lean on each other for support and learn to give each other the type of support one another needs. Consider trying some these options as you work through your grief. The journey is not easy but at the end, you can find peace.

References:

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D., Ira Brock, M.D. (Forward) On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families. Scribner; Classic edition, July 2, 1997