Jenna Fash, MS, LCPC
If you find yourself facing the overwhelming journey of divorce you may be feeling confused, lonely, scared and sad. The roller coaster of emotions and experiences that accompany this process can leave people feeling stuck and, at times, resistant to move forward. It is crucial to understand first, that you are not alone, and second that there is direction and regrowth ahead for you.
According to Marriage and Family Therapist, Darlene Spencer, divorce consists of five stages: cognitive separation, physical separation, legal dissolution, spiritual un-bonding and emotional divorce.
Cognitive Separation regards the intention to divorce; meaning you have made the decision, within yourself, to divorce your spouse. Physical Separation is, in fact, partners physically separating their lives from one another. Legal Dissolution is completed through the court system. The outlook for this part of the process varies from couple to couple. Spiritual Un-Bonding is both subjective and difficult to put into words for couples. Nonetheless, many couples attempt to disengage from their once established spiritual bond. Lastly, and likely the most complex stage, is Emotionally Divorcing your spouse.
It is in the process of Emotional Divorce that you will experience the grieving process of ending your marriage as well as severing the romantic and dependent aspects of your relationship with your partner. Completing the mourning process and facing the fears included in this chapter are essential in order for you to rebuild and truly move forward in your life once your divorce is complete.
In your grief you will likely face a stage of denial, trying to ignore the reality of what has become of your marriage. Once you have decided to divorce you may still face bargaining, possibly some last minute efforts to save your marriage. As you move further into the process of grief you will find yourself sorting through the trying emotions of depression and anger before finally landing in the final stage of acceptance. Grief in divorce is complex as you are saying goodbye to many things, not just one person or one relationship. You may find yourself grieving the loss of your identity, as a mom or wife, the loss of the idealized family system or even the dream of ‘what could have been.’
How do you cope with this overwhelming grief and find a way to process this loss and the future ahead? The answer is not black and white but if you draw from your inner strength and resources surrounding you, then you can rebuild.
Cope with the Emotions first. Enlist the support of loved ones, family and friends that you know and trust. Confide in them, talk to them! It will help to just start expressing what you are going through, do not bottle it inside it is more likely to find a way out that is not healthy. Journal, write down your thoughts and feelings. They do not have to make sense; they just have to come out. If you are not already, start therapy individually and join support groups. You will find you can process your emotions to a deeper level and gain invaluable support from those going through the same experience. As you move through your grief you will come to find you have the emotional space to care for yourself again, run with this! Be kind to yourself, re-build your self-esteem if it has been damaged or lost.
Set Goals. In setting your goals, allow yourself permission to meet goals moving from small to big. You cannot tackle every goal at once so it is critical to be fair and realistic with yourself. You may find yourself having to create a new life around finances, housing, career, etc. You cannot expect yourself to know exactly what each plan will look like and instantly how to achieve. Allow yourself time to develop a well, thought out plan on how to achieve these goals.
Educate yourself throughout this journey, beginning, middle and end. Do not be afraid to ask questions as knowledge will build empowerment. Seek out counsel from your lawyer, financial advisor, career counselor and any professionals that can guide you in this process. Do not expect yourself to be the expert in areas where you have no training! This will feel overwhelming and confusing.
As you build your strength in your new beginning, remember that you do not have to face it alone; there is support available to you. The strength you need lies within; sometimes it just needs a little encouragement to come anew.
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