Tips for Teen Anxiety at the Start of the School Year

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Women and Divorce: Dealing with Loss

Jenna Fash, MS, LCPC

If you find yourself facing the overwhelming journey of divorce you may be feeling confused, lonely, scared and sad. The roller coaster of emotions and experiences that accompany this process can leave people feeling stuck and, at times, resistant to move forward. It is crucial to understand first, that you are not alone, and second that there is direction and regrowth ahead for you.

According to Marriage and Family Therapist, Darlene Spencer, divorce consists of five stages: cognitive separation, physical separation, legal dissolution, spiritual un-bonding and emotional divorce.

Cognitive Separation regards the intention to divorce; meaning you have made the decision, within yourself, to divorce your spouse. Physical Separation is, in fact, partners physically separating their lives from one another. Legal Dissolution is completed through the court system. The outlook for this part of the process varies from couple to couple. Spiritual Un-Bonding is both subjective and difficult to put into words for couples. Nonetheless, many couples attempt to disengage from their once established spiritual bond. Lastly, and likely the most complex stage, is Emotionally Divorcing your spouse.

It is in the process of Emotional Divorce that you will experience the grieving process of ending your marriage as well as severing the romantic and dependent aspects of your relationship with your partner. Completing the mourning process and facing the fears included in this chapter are essential in order for you to rebuild and truly move forward in your life once your divorce is complete.

In your grief you will likely face a stage of denial, trying to ignore the reality of what has become of your marriage. Once you have decided to divorce you may still face bargaining, possibly some last minute efforts to save your marriage. As you move further into the process of grief you will find yourself sorting through the trying emotions of depression and anger before finally landing in the final stage of acceptance. Grief in divorce is complex as you are saying goodbye to many things, not just one person or one relationship. You may find yourself grieving the loss of your identity, as a mom or wife, the loss of the idealized family system or even the dream of ‘what could have been.’

How do you cope with this overwhelming grief and find a way to process this loss and the future ahead? The answer is not black and white but if you draw from your inner strength and resources surrounding you, then you can rebuild.

Cope with the Emotions first. Enlist the support of loved ones, family and friends that you know and trust. Confide in them, talk to them! It will help to just start expressing what you are going through, do not bottle it inside it is more likely to find a way out that is not healthy. Journal, write down your thoughts and feelings. They do not have to make sense; they just have to come out. If you are not already, start therapy individually and join support groups. You will find you can process your emotions to a deeper level and gain invaluable support from those going through the same experience. As you move through your grief you will come to find you have the emotional space to care for yourself again, run with this! Be kind to yourself, re-build your self-esteem if it has been damaged or lost.

Set Goals. In setting your goals, allow yourself permission to meet goals moving from small to big. You cannot tackle every goal at once so it is critical to be fair and realistic with yourself. You may find yourself having to create a new life around finances, housing, career, etc. You cannot expect yourself to know exactly what each plan will look like and instantly how to achieve. Allow yourself time to develop a well, thought out plan on how to achieve these goals.

Educate yourself throughout this journey, beginning, middle and end. Do not be afraid to ask questions as knowledge will build empowerment. Seek out counsel from your lawyer, financial advisor, career counselor and any professionals that can guide you in this process. Do not expect yourself to be the expert in areas where you have no training! This will feel overwhelming and confusing.

As you build your strength in your new beginning, remember that you do not have to face it alone; there is support available to you. The strength you need lies within; sometimes it just needs a little encouragement to come anew.

Women and Divorce: Dealing with Loss

Jenna Fash, MS, LCPC

If you find yourself facing the overwhelming journey of divorce you may be feeling confused, lonely, scared and sad. The roller coaster of emotions and experiences that accompany this process can leave people feeling stuck and, at times, resistant to move forward. It is crucial to understand first, that you are not alone, and second that there is direction and regrowth ahead for you.

According to Marriage and Family Therapist, Darlene Spencer, divorce consists of five stages: cognitive separation, physical separation, legal dissolution, spiritual un-bonding and emotional divorce.

Cognitive Separation regards the intention to divorce; meaning you have made the decision, within yourself, to divorce your spouse. Physical Separation is, in fact, partners physically separating their lives from one another. Legal Dissolution is completed through the court system. The outlook for this part of the process varies from couple to couple. Spiritual Un-Bonding is both subjective and difficult to put into words for couples. Nonetheless, many couples attempt to disengage from their once established spiritual bond. Lastly, and likely the most complex stage, is Emotionally Divorcing your spouse.

It is in the process of Emotional Divorce that you will experience the grieving process of ending your marriage as well as severing the romantic and dependent aspects of your relationship with your partner. Completing the mourning process and facing the fears included in this chapter are essential in order for you to rebuild and truly move forward in your life once your divorce is complete.

In your grief you will likely face a stage of denial, trying to ignore the reality of what has become of your marriage. Once you have decided to divorce you may still face bargaining, possibly some last minute efforts to save your marriage. As you move further into the process of grief you will find yourself sorting through the trying emotions of depression and anger before finally landing in the final stage of acceptance. Grief in divorce is complex as you are saying goodbye to many things, not just one person or one relationship. You may find yourself grieving the loss of your identity, as a mom or wife, the loss of the idealized family system or even the dream of ‘what could have been.’

How do you cope with this overwhelming grief and find a way to process this loss and the future ahead? The answer is not black and white but if you draw from your inner strength and resources surrounding you, then you can rebuild.

Cope with the Emotions first. Enlist the support of loved ones, family and friends that you know and trust. Confide in them, talk to them! It will help to just start expressing what you are going through, do not bottle it inside it is more likely to find a way out that is not healthy. Journal, write down your thoughts and feelings. They do not have to make sense; they just have to come out. If you are not already, start therapy individually and join support groups. You will find you can process your emotions to a deeper level and gain invaluable support from those going through the same experience. As you move through your grief you will come to find you have the emotional space to care for yourself again, run with this! Be kind to yourself, re-build your self-esteem if it has been damaged or lost.

Set Goals. In setting your goals, allow yourself permission to meet goals moving from small to big. You cannot tackle every goal at once so it is critical to be fair and realistic with yourself. You may find yourself having to create a new life around finances, housing, career, etc. You cannot expect yourself to know exactly what each plan will look like and instantly how to achieve. Allow yourself time to develop a well, thought out plan on how to achieve these goals.

Educate yourself throughout this journey, beginning, middle and end. Do not be afraid to ask questions as knowledge will build empowerment. Seek out counsel from your lawyer, financial advisor, career counselor and any professionals that can guide you in this process. Do not expect yourself to be the expert in areas where you have no training! This will feel overwhelming and confusing.

As you build your strength in your new beginning, remember that you do not have to face it alone; there is support available to you. The strength you need lies within; sometimes it just needs a little encouragement to come anew.

Teenage Moodiness

Karen Southwick, MSW, LCSW

We all know that teens and moodiness go hand in hand. Their moodiness creeps up at times 

when we least expect it. Why are teens experiencing such shifts in their mood? When is a teenager's moodiness a cause for concern? What are the warning signs that a teen is experiencing more than just a bad day, or an off week? At what point might a consultation with a mental health professional be appropriate? These are common questions from any parent of a teenager.

Why is my teenager moody?

Many teens experience anxiety, depressive symptoms, anger, hopelessness and a short fuse. Teenage moodiness has many different origins. Teenagers have an influx of hormones (testosterone for boys and estrogen and progesterone for girls), which makes emotional regulation particularly difficult at this time. The teen brain is also changing. The prefrontal cortex is growing during adolescence. The parts of the brain responsible for impulse control, decision making, reasoning, and judgment are developing during this time. It is believed the frontal lobe isn't fully developed until the early 20's. Most teens are figuring out their identity and trying on new roles. A teenager's physical appearance is drastically changing, and they are trying to adjust to changes that may not be welcome. Teen’s bodies start to look more like adults; however, teens do not yet have the autonomy and independence of adults. This can be very frustrating for teens. Additionally, teens are navigating social situations and learning how to manage more things on their own, all of which adds to their stress levels. Teenagers sometimes are left out by their friends or are faced with finding a new peer group. At times, there can even be a lot of drama within a close group of friends.

What are the warning signs that we should seek professional help?

What are the signs that a teenager's moodiness is more than what is expected? If a teen begins skipping school, quitting extracurricular activities, or goes from being with friends to isolating him/herself, a consultation with a mental health professional is appropriate. You can speak with your teen's medical doctor, school social worker, or a therapist. Other signs that professional help is warranted are a shift in weight (weight gain or weight loss) or a drop in grades. If your teenager stops turning in homework or their grades take a nosedive, the changes in their mood might be more than they can manage. If you become aware your teenager is doing drugs or talking about self-harm or suicide, seek help immediately.

What can be done proactively?

What can be done preventatively to help your teen maintain a healthy lifestyle and avoid the dips in their mood? Teens need a healthy diet, exercise, and sleep to maintain good emotional and physical health. Exercise or working out releases the endorphins-a natural way to increase your mood. Is your teen eating healthy? Are they eating a well-balanced diet? If not, they may be missing out on necessary vitamins and energy that their body needs. Who doesn't get moody when they are hungry? The amount of sleep a teen needs will vary from person to person, but because of their developing body and influx of hormones, they need extra sleep to maintain good health. Try to keep your teen on a regular sleep cycle. "Catching up" on sleep on the weekend or changing sleep hours contributes to poor sleep hygiene. Try to keep sleep hours as consistent as possible. Encourage your teen to talk to people they trust. Having someone they can express their feelings to can sometimes improve their mood. Encourage your teen to journal their feelings. Being able to write their feelings down allows teens to get their feelings out. Talk to your teen. Find opportunities to check in regularly to gain a better understanding of the causes of your teen's moodiness and the circumstances that create fluctuation in their mood. Lastly, let your teen know it's okay to cry. By letting your feelings out with a good cry, people often report feeling better.

Coping with Loss Due to Infertility

Jenna Fash, MS, LCPC

Coping with loss due to infertility is both a painful and complex experience. Many couples enter into this journey already having faced the grieving process, likely for many months. Each month the flame of hope and optimism is ignited as a couple attempts to conceive a child whether it be naturally or through treatment. When a couple does not conceive, they are confronted with the painful reality of sadness, pain, and loss of the idea of what they hoped to create, a family. Some couples may experience the blessing of pregnancy only to have their dream ended in miscarriage. Some may have the blessing of one child but are struggling to extend their family only leaving additional confusion and questioning. Others may try countless attempts at fertility treatments only to experience a negative pregnancy test at the end of their attempt. Couples can come to learn that they may not be able to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. The journey of grief for these couples is certainly subjective but they all face the painful reality of loss because if you are facing infertility then you are already a grieving parent.

Coping with the complex loss due to infertility is not a linear path. Each person, each couple will have their own unique journey towards healing. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the five stages of grieving in her book “On Death and Dying.” How her stages apply to the grieving process are as follows;

Denial.

Denial can take various forms when facing infertility. A negative pregnancy test can result in a feeling that the test was wrong or the doctor made an error. Even denial of feelings when told about a loss or an unsuccessful treatment cycle can contribute to this grieving stage.

Anger.

Anger can be pointed in many different directions, at self, doctors, spouse or even others who can become pregnant.

Bargaining.

In this stage of grief, you may find couples taking every step possible to become pregnant, whether it is diet or lifestyle changes. Possibly becoming spiritual when they have not before. Many are willing to make various changes and compromises in an effort to start a family.

Depression.

The sadness of this stage of grief can be very isolating. Couples may lose hope that they will conceive and start a family and become consumed by burdening emotions of pain and hopelessness.

Acceptance.

This stage of grief instills hope back in the couples as they regain the belief that they will become parents and start a family. They believe that it will work out and there are options for them ahead.

If you have experienced the journey of infertility then you can already identify with your inner resiliency. It takes an incredible amount of strength to experience this grieving process cycle after cycle. Couples facing infertility do this, they take in the information they need to, know how to respond to their feelings about it, and make the best decision about what to do next. In order to move beyond loss, you have to allow yourself to grieve and consider new possibilities. Consider some of the following in coping with your grief during infertility.

Educate.

Meet with specialists in this field to consider all of your options. Sometimes the journey of starting a family may look different than the picture you originally created but perhaps you can find acceptance and happiness with this. 

Work through your feelings.

There are many ways to do this but no matter what path you choose it is critical that you pick at least one! You have to allow yourself the opportunity to process through your grief and find healing, give yourself a chance to do this. You can meet with a therapist, a support group, marriage counselors, friends, families or invest in a journal. If you find that you do need professional know that you are not alone and there are many resources available to you.

Utilize creative outlets.

Both for distraction and healing. Find ways to channel your feelings whether it be through art, taking up a new class or hobby or developing new friendships.

Write a letter.

To the child, you may have lost or the child you had hoped for. Many couples find healing in having an object or tradition to honor this child.

Seek support from your partner.

It is no surprise that men and woman can deal with this experience differently but that does not mean you have to go through it separately. Learn to communicate effectively with your partner through this journey so you can lean on each other for support and learn to give each other the type of support one another needs. Consider trying some these options as you work through your grief. The journey is not easy but at the end, you can find peace.

References:

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D., Ira Brock, M.D. (Forward) On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families. Scribner; Classic edition, July 2, 1997

New VR Technology Is Finding Its Way Into Therapy

Fox Valley Institute - Counseling and Psychiatry for Marriage, Teen, Family, Depression, Anxiety - Therapy and Psychological Testing - Located in Naperville IL

New technology is finding its way into therapy, and our clinic will be among the first in the area to use virtual reality as an option in treatment.

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FVI Takes Leading Role In Use Of VR In Therapy

Fox Valley Institute - Counseling and Psychiatry for Marriage, Teen, Family, Depression, Anxiety - Therapy and Psychological Testing - Located in Naperville IL

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Parenting Adult Children

Suzanne W. Keenon, MA, LCPC

Accepting things the way they are instead of how you wish they would be.

When your children become adults they go off to college, the military, get married or move to a different state or country. You find yourself in a strange and different place. Gone is the huge grocery bill and the mad scramble to eat and run to the next practice, recital, or game. All of a sudden there is room on your calendar. And you may have a varied reaction to this new stage of life. You may welcome the free time to spend with your spouse, invest in yourself, or just explore what this next chapter will entail. You may feel depressed and may not want to accept the reality of the moment. You may wish to turn back the clock. This is when you must accept things the way they are instead of the way you wish they would be.

1. Condition yourself to “let go”.

Remember when your son was learning to ride his bicycle and you would hold the back of the seat to keep him steady? As he gained confidence you would hear him say, “You can let go now Mom, you can let go now.” Sometimes when you let go he would wobble, then ride off gaining his balance, other times he would wobble and fall. Now is the time we have to let go again. Accept he is gaining his independence and wants to ride on his own.

2. Move from parent to consultant.

When parenting adult children, you need to re-invent yourself. The goal is to no longer be a parent but is a consultant or advisor. When you need advice regarding your taxes, finances, or house remodeling you may ask those who have experience or are knowledgeable and they advise you in a way that has your best interest in mind. After requesting the advice, you are under no obligation to carry out all of the actions suggested but are more educated and able to make decisions in line with your goals. Only you can know what “fits” best at any given time in your life. The same is true of your child. If you have been clear about your love for him and desire to help, it is up to your child to ask for advice. And just as you take actions that “fit” you best, so will he. You made your way in your circumstances, made your mistakes and learned along the way. So must your child.

3. Watch for signs of depression.

When an adult child leaves you feel a big void. You may feel separation anxiety, depression, and emptiness. Some of the signs of depression are feeling hopeless, empty, and lonely. You can have sleep disturbances, eating disturbances, and increased irritability. You no longer find pleasure in those things you once found pleasurable. If these continue for more than two weeks see a therapist or your doctor. These feelings come with titles such as Post Parenting Syndrome, Empty Nest Syndrome and you also can have Launch Anxiety. We all prefer stability and change does not always come easily. Depression can be a common result.

4. Release the guilt.

Many parents begin to evaluate their parenting skills over the years and become very self-critical. I invite you to forgive yourself for past inadequacies. Typically, parents do the best job they know how under the circumstances. Free yourself from worry and from what society demands; for society demands perfection. Our children are to immediately have exciting careers, wonderful loving partnerships, be financially successful and independent. Movies, Facebook, and TV, force feed us to have perfect children. This is just not reality. Releasing yourselves from guilt creates an opportunity to love and accept your adult children right where they are. You then can listen, encourage, guide, and cheer them into the next chapter of their lives. And accept things the way they are instead of the way you wish they would be.

Adolescent Substance Abuse Trends

Jenny Wagner, LCPC, CADC

Substance Abuse and Dependence in teenagers are on the rise! Drugs of choice are easier to obtain and are being used frequently in dangerously high dosages. Some of the drugs used most often by young adults are over the counter medications, prescription medications, alcohol, and cannabis. Recently we have seen more teenagers using multiple drugs at once and often times they are being used to regulate their emotions. Severe withdrawal and post-acute withdrawal symptoms are becoming common place with cannabis, molly, benzodiazepines, and over the counter medications.

Common Signs of Withdrawal from drugs and alcohol:

Irritability, trouble sleeping, mood swings, tremors, increased anxiety, vomiting, nausea, sweating, restlessness, bone aches, blood pressure changes, and headaches.

Marijuana

According to an annual survey conducted by the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), a trend of opinion among adolescents surveyed asserted a “softening of attitudes around some types of drug use, particularly decreases in perceived harm and disapproval of marijuana use “(NIDA, 2014).

As the popularity of marijuana spreads across the country new terms for marijuana are being used such as “edibles” which is used to describe foods that are cooked with marijuana. Teenagers are not only using stronger versions of cannabis but also dabs, which is high-grade hash usually made with a process involving butane.

Dabs

Also known as butane hash oil (BHO), honey oil, budder, shatter, and wax — is a highly concentrated extract of marijuana’s psychoactive ingredient tetrahydrocannabinol or THC. It is thick gummy, brownish-green, and looks like hot candle wax that’s been spilled onto a piece of paper and left to dry.   Butane hash oil is then concentrated into a smokeable oil that teenagers add to their marijuana or use it by itself.  Dabs are more potent than marijuana, physically addictive and have severe withdrawal symptoms. Many teenagers use this discretely in an electronic device such as an electronic pen or cigarette so the smell is masked and they can hide it easily.

Prescription Medicine, Over the counter medication, & Alcohol Prescription medication, over the counter drugs, and alcohol are some of the easiest for teenagers to acquire. Recent studies indicate that Binge drinking is on the rise among juniors in high school (11 th grade) across the country. Studies also show that 10 th grade youths are driving after using marijuana or other illegal drugs.

Dextromethorphan, also known as DXM, is found in many over-the- counter (OTC) cough medicines. Therefore, it is readily available for consumption. DXM is an anesthetic with dissociative properties. Dissociative is a type of hallucinogenic that alters a person’s perception of sight and sound and, it creates feelings of detachment from their surroundings. It produces an effect similar to PCP and ketamine. There are also similarities to the properties of codeine. Dextromethorphan’s recreational popularity is highly prevalent with young teens and young adults. Getting a bottle of DXM is as simple as going to the grocery store and buying some type of cough suppressant or stealing it which many teenagers do. These are not locked up or behind the counter, they are on the shelves. Sometimes it’s as easy as going to the medicine cabinet at home.  Benadryl and Coricidin Cough and Cold (CCC) is another over the counter medication that teenagers abuse.

Heroin

In Illinois, there is a rise in heroin use and many feel this is due to the tolerance built up due to the overuse and abuse of pain medication, benzodiazepines such as Xanax or Klonopin, and over the counter medications with DXM.  This is shifting users to find a more powerful drug earlier in their drug use than ever before. The drugs mentioned above are often abused because teenagers will often use drugs of opportunity readily available to them or easy to get.

Inhalants

Inhalants are chemicals found in ordinary household or workplace products that people inhale on purpose to get “high.” Because many inhalants can be found around the house, people often don’t realize that inhaling their fumes, even just once, can be very harmful to the brain and body and can lead to death. In fact, the chemicals found in these products can change the way the brain works and cause other problems in the body.

• Volatile solvents are liquids that become a gas at room temperature. They are found in: Paint thinner, nail polish remover, degreaser, dry-cleaning fluid, gasoline, and contact cement. Some art or office supplies, such as correction fluid, felt-tip marker fluid, and computer air duster.
• Aerosols are sprays that contain propellants and solvents. They include: Spray paint, hair spray, deodorant spray, vegetable oil sprays, air freshener, and fabric protector spray.
• Gasses may be in a household or commercial products, or used in the medical field to provide pain relief. They are found in Butane lighters, propane tanks, whipped cream dispensers, and refrigerant gasses.

Anesthesia

Anesthesia including ether, chloroform, halothane, and nitrous oxide (commonly called “laughing gas”). Many of these household products are being abused but are used so infrequently that parents don’t realize they are gone.

Depressants

Benzodiazepines are depressants that relax muscles, so they are often prescribed to treat muscle spasms, anxiety, and seizures. As the Drug Enforcement Agency describes, the most frequently prescribed benzodiazepines are Valium, Xanax, Ativan, and Klonopin.  These are also the most abused anti-anxiety medications.  When mixed with alcohol the combination can be fatal.

Conclusion

As the drug trends continue to change and advance parents have to continue to educate themselves on what teenagers are using and abusing to keep their home safe.  There are ways to dispose of old medications safely and any abusable cold medication that needs to be in the house can be kept locked in a medication safe.  Household products can also be kept in locked cabinets to protect teenagers with a drug use history or to prevent possible abuse.